u/kibou_no_ie

Listen, I would be poly if I could. It just makes sense. But I’m a very anxious person and dealing with more than one person sounds like a lot of work. I also don’t understand what’s so bad about getting cheated on. If I found out my partner cheated on me I’d go “dope! I wish you told me though. But still thats cool as hell!” This might be an autism thing, idk.

So yeah, I don’t like monogamy much. Polyamory sounds cool in theory, and I’ve considered it before. But I still just want only one person in my life romantically for now.

I don’t think I’d call myself this label but I’m still a little curious.

I was born in 2003 and I recall always wanting to watch stuff with darker content as a kid but never being allowed because parents just don’t let your kids do that. I remember being a bit unsettled but always super intrigued and asking a lot of questions, but never outright terrified in the way you usually hear about with kids. Like monsters and stuff never scared me. I know that theres allistic kids who are like this too but I feel like my autism may have had something to do with why I was like this in my case.

Of course 20 or so years later I STILL enjoy disturbing stuff probably more than the average person. It’s interesting because I’ve heard of autistic adults who can only watch child-friendly content because scary content is extremely overwhelming, but I have the other extreme where I’m probably way too interested in dark content. My parents were worried that teachers would think I had violent tendencies and they had to explain to teachers “if she writes dark and messed up stories, shes not violent, she just has a fascination with this stuff”.

I just…. Can’t take it seriously. I know that technically it isnt wrong. But I’ve tried to refer myself as this many times and every time it somehow feels like I’m larping. I wish I could explain it.

If I ever use the term “disabled” to refer to myself I usually say something like “well TECHNICALLY I’m disabled” I can never just straight up say that I’m disabled.

I just always call myself a little dumb and that gets the point across better tbh

Fucking embarrassing as shit. She tried to teach me several times but I would always get burnt out and lash out at her. Also something about the tone of her voice and the way she corrects me fucking GETS me man.

To clarify my hair is curly as shit so this makes it way harder than it would be if I had straight hair. If I had straight hair I might be able to do it by myself but I don’t so I guess I’ll die.

Also showering is overwhelming as fuck due to the constant task switching I need to do. The sensory issues are there too but they’re not as big a problem as the fucking task switching that shit is HELL. But I literally HAVE to shower before doing my hair on account of it being curly because otherwise I look like I have pubes on my head.

I can’t tell anyone this because I know what they’ll think of both me and my mother.

Does having this issue automatically make me level 2 or am I still level 1?

No childhood trauma as far as I can tell. Loving parents and family. And these memories are all normal little kid memories, yet something is off. I have memories playing with toys or whatnot, yet something is just really fucking unsettling about these memories. I remember being fucking TERRIFIED for no real reason. And the worst part is these emptions I vaguely remember experiencing are still ones that I experience TO THIS DAY. I’ve had depression and anxiety symptoms for basically as long as I’ve been alive despite having an extremely normal and loving family and being middle class.

I remember the emotions I felt during a meltdown when I was 4 years old vividly. And I experience those exact same emotions to this day, yet theyre much darker on account of me being much older.

I am a grown adult who enjoys smutty fanfiction and horror movies and I have to work with professionals to help me do basic tasks as if I’m a fucking child and it’s embarrassing. My love of very mature content is a big part of my identity and this does not mesh well with the part of me who needs DSPs

I’m supposed to be cool and funny and sexy (or at least I want to be) but the presence of DSPs in my life feels very NOT cool and funny and sexy

Sorry im dealing with extreme internalized ableism which is making me think some of the most horrid disgusting thoughts one can possibly have.

THIS IS NOT A HASTY GENERALIZATION AND I STILL LOVE MY FELLOW AUTISTIC FOLK. I UNDERSTAND THAT IM IN THE MINORITY AND THAT MOST AUTISTIC PEOPLE HAVE SUFFERED THE MOST AT THE HANDS OF NEUROTYPICALS. THIS IS NOT THE NORM AND THIS IS JUST MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE IN CERTAIN NICHE SPACES. MOST AUTISTIC PEOPLE ARE LOVELY.

I still prefer to hang out around other autistic people despite this but some of the autistic people I’ve met have been downright NASTY to me. They know how to cut to the bone in ways that no neurotypical that I’ve ever met has. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met my fair share of neurotypical assholes but the shit I still get nightmares about years later was done to me by terminally online autistic people. I’ve never met anyone else whos felt like this. When I tell people that I’ve been bullied they always assume it was asshole neurotypicals who just want to bully people who are different but it was my OWN KIND who tormented me and that is so hard for me to come to terms with. Is it just a complete and total lack of empathy? Is it the black and white thinking? Completely unable to see that theres a world outside of themselves?

On the flip side, autism makes me straight up unpleasant too. And that’s something a lot of people don’t talk about. I am just straight up self serving sometimes.

I really appreciated their news about Palestine too. They just sent me bunch of links to sources that supposedly debunked the claims of mass rapes. I basically said that I don’t like denying atrocities no matter who they happened to and I was blocked. I had agreed with the post I was replying to as well.

It gives me the same ick as people who downplay Palestinian suffering by going “but what about October 7th and Hamas?”

Idk if this is ok for me to post as someone who isn’t a Jew but I can’t think of where else to post this.