u/kiwitoja

Tak jak w opisie.

Wprowadziłam sie do mieszkania po cioci i dopiero po kilku tygodniach znalazłam pluskwy w materacu ( należę do osób które mało reagują na ugryzienia i myślałam ze to uczulenie). w międzyczasie przeniosłam materac i prałam swoje ciuchy z pościelą wiec boje sie ze teraz te pluskwy są wszędzie.

Jest masa firm podobno te tanie robią to samo co te drogie. Tez zależy mi na specjalistach którzy powiedzą mi jak ogarnąć taką sytuacje.

dziekuje z góry

TL DR It looks like I have trauma response to job searching but it does not seem to be connected to any particular memory. What would be a good way to process it?

I struggled with my mental health all my life. One of the main issues I have is my career.

I have a lot of attachment wounds and I was a weird kid with bad marks and auDHD, so as you can imagine I do not feel great about my competences.

So here is the thing. I am a resourceful person in general. If I am motivated I can get many things done and find ways to do it. But in one of the main areas of life I'm a failure.

Looking at job offers, going to interviews and such are my triggers. When I say triggers I mean it. My ex partner tried to help me to look for work and after a few minutes of looking at offers I was lying on the floor crying all hyper-activated and saying I do not want live cause there is no hope. I did work in life but it would usually be jobs someone happened to offer to me or just minimum wage jobs.

I did not work for last 10 months or so cause I was trying to change careers. I was finding all the excuses not to do it. I am trying to start a personal brand, my new carrer involves seeing clients one on one and I can do it. It seems like they are getting results. But I just don't seem to be able to put myself out there.

Of course there is shame and fear and have little work experience for someone who is neatly 40. But I think if my body reaction was not so strong it would be easier to find employment.

I was told by a therapist I know in a private convo " What you describe sounds like trauma reaction and you might want to use a trauma processing tool like EMDR or sensorimotor for it" the thing is I feel like it might not be about a specific memory but about have a generally felt about myself growing up-- really inadequate and I was retraumatised many times cause I am autistic and weird. I really wanted to get a PhD and was ridiculed at the interview so it got worst.

Any ideas how to work trough this? Cause If I do not get this out of my way I will not have stability to work through my other problems.

So yeah... I found therapy that helps slowly and I am discovering that my whole personality is and always (or since very long) was a coping mechanism. I do not know what I like, I do not know what I want. I do not know what to pursue in life.

Will I find some clarity?

Can someone share a story that will give me hope?

I wander if other people could just give me words of encouragement. Sometimes I feel I will stay like this forever. I experienced that IFS is helpful myself, I have clients who find it helpful and yet I still have parts who think all therapy is BS and I will always feel like shit.

On better days I do not think that but I do get overwhelmed easily.