u/lBLVCKTEAl

Title

Can't even bother trying dating apps and hoping to find someone decent, on hetero apps people usually at least have standarts and initially keep the sex talks to themselves but on gay apps too many guys just instantly jump to "im into X and Y and btw i have a porn addiction" like ew i didn't need to know all dat. Almost no male accs from my country on acespace too

Not to sound edgy or whatever. I recently found an actual interest for birds and had been going to parks, just walking and looking at nature and birds. It's kind of content but fills me with weird feeling of emptiness. In the moment i just can't stop feeling like it's meaningless and i don't know why am i doing that. Sad emotions feel meaningful because they make sense, happy ones feel directionless and like there's nothing to be done with them. Idk how to even put it into words, it's like some weird stimulation i don't know how to process so it just starts draining me instead of empowering

I do feel lonely but also kind of not really? Like i get the frustrating feeling like i want to have someone i would care about but it doesn't make me wanna talk with anyone. Only form of yapping i know is venting/complaining, I've always been negative because those are the only feelings i know how to actually express. Obv that doesn't make a good ground for befriending ppl much less finding a partner. I just don't even really understand talking about things i like. I can say "i like X game" but that's it, it really is a mental struggle for me to expand on it, i often feel like I'm just making stuff up when i try to say more than that to support the conversation

But my biggest obstacle is i really do not care to learn random info about others, i don't like "learning about others" (foreign concept to me, still don't understand how that works for others), i don't care about their hobbies unless that's something i myself have an interest in. I try to act like i care and I've been learning to ask question to make them talk more about it but in my head I'm usually bored af and feel like an asshole for pretending to care

But man, that weird ass frustrating feeling what i suppose is loneliness. Like I'm missing something and my brain thinks what this something is actually someone. Even tho i can't even imagine what i would want to be doing with someone, i like imagining my characters interacting but myself idk what to be doing with others myself

Like is that feeling really loneliness? Maybe I am misunderstanding it. Cus when others are lonely they want to talk with others and i kind of don't. I'd like a tolerable gaming buddy to play with cus i like consistent presence like that, but ppl don't stick around for more than a few games cus i barely talk and honestly play bad

Making friends online isn't really working out for me so i get adviced to make friends irl and i dunno. It's even more complicated than making friends online. But do i force myself to figure irl stuff anyway? Cus supposedly it could even lead to finding a partner one day. I really don't know anymore :(

(I'm thinking about finding a therapist but i don't trust them much and don't wanna waste money on the one who won't be helpful)

Went to check out the gym bc i got a decent discount offer but it was still too expensive for me so i got really sad because i feel ugly and hate how weak i am and this gym is the closest to my house. I tried talking about it with my new local buddy and he said i should consider becoming a femboy instead. I hate the "become a femboy" jokes because guys only do that to me if they know I'm gay so for whatever reason they think it's ok to tell me I'm effeminate. I really struggle with my masculinity and the people i try to befriend just basically admit they don't see me as masculine at all. I'm not even feminine at all cus I'm fucking bald and have a beard denser than most of my coworkers' but people find out I'm gay and think that suddenly makes me a fucking femboy cus I'm short and mentally ill so i can't ever be a normal looking guy

I'm talking abt online ppl btw, this the first local guy i tried befriending in years and he's bisexual but says that kinda shit to me as well, i really should invest in being closeted more because everyone will treat me like a btch if they know (i never share it irl but i can't make friends irl cus i don't have any "male" hobbies like sports or drinking)

Got a decent discount offer, considering membership. More of a vent post ig cus it won't be getting any better until i have srs

I quit lifting because sweating in the crotch makes me feel terrible so i'd always get stressed and finish in dogshit mood feeling all gross and depressed cus i couldn't even shower. But i feel ugly and hate how weak i am so i really should be lifting:( But sweating:((( Man

I pack with socks cus i'm lame so it's not like i can at least shower with undewear on cus it'd get nasty

Basically title, just venting. I don't have a date but my surgeon doesn't have a big waitlist and i should be done saving money this year. Tho i am taking a loan and idk how things go financially so I'll have to see how i'll be affording living to consider a pet 💀 (transition is not covered in my country and I'm already desperate enough to take a loan)

But I've wanted a pet for a while now and keep postponing it cus of the surgery:( I impulsively start looking at options sometimes and get sad bc i can't have that rn

I'm just so alien 🥀 Like it makes me sad what i don't feel like i have a place anywhere. I tried to fit in with gay men but i just kept getting hurt with all the random sex talks. I tried to not have it get to me cus it's not their fault everyone wants it and i don't, but i just hate knowing I'm different. I'm lucky I've never been harrassed by homophobes but I've had ppl telling me I must be into some severe kink stuff and what i must be a pedophile because I'd want to adopt a child one day. Like i don't even want to call myself gay anymore, i don't deserve being told such crap, plus really am not gay like gay men are gay because i don't want sex nor have i really been romantically attracted to someone. Honestly don't think I'm even capable of falling in love, i may be aromantic but i like the idea of healthy romantic relationships, the whole thing is kinda frustrating. Like idk what's even the point of being born faving men if i don't want to do anything physical with them. It's like i was made so inconvenient just to be treated like a freak by everyone for no reason

I think about telling people I'm aroace and not interested in dating at all but that'd be kinda not true bc i do feel lonely. Still better than having people assume gross stuff about me :( I told my friend I'm asexual but i feel he doesn't really understand that, he's being nice tho so it's fine

I keep getting told what i won't find anything online so i should go out irl, but i can't think of any irl activity I'd be interested in. If i google events in my city i find stuff like standups, museum openings, concerts, don't feel interested in any of those and am on tight budget so i won't go "just to try it". There are some ads for beginner art stuff but I've seen what only kids/teenagers and older women go there and I'd rather befriend another man in his 20s. Honestly i don't even get how i could make a friend from going to standup or museum, people there probably either want to be alone or are already occupied. Unfortunately I'm not into sports nor do i have the money for it rn. I'm often told to try TTRPGs but honestly i find DnD and RPGs in general boring

I know i "sound like i have a terrible attitude" but i just really don't favor irl stuff, i can't see appeal in any of it 😭 But yeah i can't make friends online either. Just lost because i don't even get the basic human things like wanting to attend an event

My interests are gaming and birds (i am considering group birdwatching but 😭💀 in local birdwatching groups there seems to be no young guys either, they post their group photos after meetings and its almost always women)

Was playing with my initial coplayer and we found a third for our party. I got really sad abt the contrast of that guy to me. He actually had stuff to say and was funny, they discussed some game mechanics and our matches were much more successful with him in the team. I am naturally untalkative and don't understand talking about things beyond saying "i like this thing". I just try to do stuff like share art of videos about the games i play but guys in my country don't really care about art, sometimes they like goon art as a joke but I'm not into that stuff myself. Ask me abt the game i played for 10 years and I'll have nothing to say, can't even name the characters i like, i just don't think about things like that. So naturally it is really hard for me to make friends or even buddies, most ppl don't like a guy who barely talks and plays bad. Like honestly i dislike my initial coplayer, he did some uncomfortable things to me but i kept it to myself because he sticks around to play with me. Was thinking about offering the new guy to play together but ngl too self conscious to play with just him, thinking he'll just get bored with me like others do and I'll get hurt abt being quiet again

Just vent lowkey no advice

I live with her so she should know why I'll be gone for a month. She just told me i ruined my life because i didn't get a degree so I'll never find a decent job. I didn't go for a degree because i started working after school immediately to save on surgeries (i don't mind having a blue collar job but saving money with it is kinda hard and some ppl treat me like shit over it). So i sit there thinking one day I'll have to tell her I'll spend a shit ton of money on a surgery she thinks i don't even need. Man I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Why must ppl be so difficult, i need this damn surgery and i hate having to spend so much time and money on it instead of saving on normal people things, like moving out or even buying my own flat :(((