u/liammeates

I have been interested in Buddhism since I was a teenager. There has been a Tibetan Buddist centre in my neighbourhood in Dublin Ireland, all during that time, and only last week I decided to visit and join the Sangha there. I dont why I took this long to become a Buddhsit and take refuge. Has anyone here beckme a Buddhist in their 30s? What as it been like for you. Also if ajyinechas any advice for me going forward that would be great.

I was a victim of emotional abuse growing up from my stepfather. And one of my biggest fears is that whay if im abusive. I also have pure ocd and can develop fears such as whay if im bad person, whay if im a narcissist, even whay if im a paedophile which a common one with pure ocd. In my last realtionship I was sometiems toxic. I was defensive when I should have listened to critique of my behaviour . I was quick to yell when confronted. Soemtiems we both yelled but I feel like it was mostly me. I threw my phone on the ground in front of my partner after an arguement which in really ashamed of. I was avoidant and shutdown alot and hurt my partners feelings. I didn't show affection much yet still asked for back rubs. So I should own up to the faxt I can be be emotionally abusive? I never tried to control or manipulate but still.it pains me and im terrified to see thay in me but then I really can't handle the notion that I could be abusive becuase of suffered abuse myself.

Ive noticed alot of people say they were sexually assaulted becuase their partner touched them without consent. Im a bit perplexed as touch and intimacy in my past relationships were often initiated by touch without asking. I have been touched by gf which led to intimacy and vice versa . It seems asking is a relatively new expectation? Is it fair to say someone sexually assaulted buecuase they touched their partners that means I've SAd people.

I remember reading a comment by someone on this sib saying eternal demanding does exist becuase all possible realities exist across the spectrum of opposites. This made me feel uneasy and fearful as I fear thay I will be dambed I think I have spiritual OCD.

I had an awakening when I was 18 but I feel stuck in the healing stages its been sp messy and I. Fee like I've failed. I know healing os ongoing but I jsut feel like I failed m its hard to explain.

I consumed about 12 grams half the bag imof 25 gm dried Amanitas I bought but I didn't feel much affect. Maybe ai felt a bit more relaxed but it wasn't anything obvious. Any thoguhts

It's like I feel this shame sometimes because I am spiritual and have spiritual longing for truth and to live a meaningful life , to heal from trauma, but yet I'm so messed up, confused , destructive in ways and inauthentic in ways . Part of me says but that's ok and other part says I should be healing or be healed by this stage I'm 37. It's strange becuase if someone said this to me I would say give yourself some grace but I struggle to give myself the grace. It's like I'm trapped by seeking healing tjay doesn't come because I'm looking at it to from the wrong lense. I just feel this huge sense of unworthiness. It's hard to explain. Does anyone have any thoughts inights on this?