u/littlebo_weep

Dojo loaches went into their new 125g home yesterday. It cycled for a month following all protocol, I took the water to my LFS before stocking to have them double check it. They said ammonia was a little high but I had good nitrates so to do a 25% water change and I would be fine. So I did. Everyone went in: leopard golden dojo loach, grey dojo loach, medium pleco, 2 clown loaches, 3 hoplo catfish, 1 Senegal bichir. Everyone had a great day, raced the tank back and forth, and feeding time went well. Woke up to no issues and water looked super clear. I left the house for a few hours and came home to feed, my grey dojo loach was extremely pale and lethargic. It’s never happened to him. My clowns looked good, his leopard mate was in good spirits, the bichir was ready to eat. I got him out and into his old tank but left everyone else as I didn’t want to tear up the new tank if everyone else was normal.
My pH is 7.6
My ammonia is reading 0 and so is my nitrite, temp is 77. Do masterkits go bad?

I have so much love for this community, even though this is my second go around and I’m not exactly stoked to be here. I’ve decided to be more positive and I apologize to everyone who had to read my 3AM nutso crashout. It’s not what we need. I’m going to list things that have worked for me, I hope you contribute your own. I’m not going to list what didn’t work as that would go on ad nauseam.
My stats: first taper was after 2.5 years on 2mg Xanax. Did a 2 month rapid taper and white knuckled it. I was 26. This longer taper is after 2.5 years again, 1.5mg Klonopin at 37 yrs old. I am diagnosed with IBS-C, OCD, AuDHD, MDD, and Insomnia. I am 5’6, 123lbs.
My first quit: lasted 1.5~ years, went vegan, ingested nothing that affected CNS not even melatonin, became a marathon runner, avid reader, heavily meditated. Basically became a monk.
Where I’m at now: the laundry list of symptoms, the usual gamut but this time it all slows me down more due to age.
Supplements:
Gotu Kola (energy and stability)
Astaxanthin (antioxidant)
Fish Oil (circulation)
5-HTP (med recovery)
NAC (organ health)
Mushroom Blend (neuroplasticity)
Ubiquinol (neuro plasticity)
Thorne brand Collagen (aging)
Silica (supports collagen)
Turmeric/Circumin (lymph drainage)
Magnesium Bisglycinate (neuro plasticity)
Superfood Mineral Base (nutritional support)
Vegan Weight Gainer (whey is known to worsen symptoms, eating is a challenge for me)
Fiber
Visbiome (prescription probiotics cured my benzo belly)
Xymogen Probiotics (my IBS is that bad :,))
Grape Seed Extract (immunity)
Black Seed Oil (helps my poor stomach digest all these pills and stuff)
Melatonin 1mg at night

Meds:
Wellbutrin
Strattera
Viibryd when needed
Auvelity when needed
Spironolactone for hormonal balance
Soma (taken every other month at most when desperate for sleep)

Treatments:
NeuroStim when taper is completed
Ketamine (huge boost when administered properly, abuse will result in CNS crash)
Shiatsu
Lymph Drainage Massage w/ Cupping
Banya
Psilocybin MD

Diet:
So much damn yogurt
Low Sodium cooked vegetables
Poultry/Fish
Rice
Oatmeal
Heavily Washed Fruits
Dark Chocolate
Almond Milk w/ Caffeine Free Chai
Cheese & Crackers

Exercise:
Mat Pilates
Yoga
Walks
If I lift it’s light and for functionality, I can no longer run, and I found that I need to do whatever I’m going to do before noon or it will affect my sleep.

Peptides:
NAC (huge energy boost)
Glutathione (hair and skin)
LL-37
MOTS-C (energy and recovery)
Selank/Semax (neuro plasticity)
KLOW (hair and nails)
FOX04-DRI
Sermorelin
SS-31
CJC-1295
I don’t pin all of these at the same time.

General Wellness:
MEDITATION
MitoRed Red Light Panel
Infrared Sauna everyday with Red Light
BedJet for sleep comfort
Eye mask
Sound machine
Blackout Curtains
Plunge Pool
Cuddlesleep
<5lbs weighted blanket
Pregnancy pillow

Mental Hygiene:
Journaling Daily
Crosswords and other brain games
Limit doomscrolling
Sober friend group
Dungeons and Dragons
Magic The Gathering
Needle Felting
Rug Tufting
Cross stitching
Reading
Recreational Research/Substack for Essays & Connections
Weekly Baths with ACV
Limit Television unless it’s needed
Go sit in movies
Podcasts with a soothing voice and easy to follow information
Call one friend a day/2x weekly tea meet up
Hiking
Paddleboard
Weekly date night
Cozy video games
Puzzles
Towel Warmer

I think I’ve listed pretty much everything I have going on right now. Everyday is an effort from start to finish. I am averaging a one-three hour window 3x a week. My sleep has no average, sometimes not at all sometimes 10 hours. I try my best not to take any sleep aids because I can’t afford the hangover next day. I keep physical activity consistent but not overwhelming (I have lost a lot of muscle mass but lifting to failure means bed bound for 2 days). I journal extensively to track progress and what’s working. I cultivate my support group so I have people there for me even if it’s hard for me to show up for them. I stay active in my game community. I limit my screen time, as I am a bit older I need mental stimulation outside of electronics. and time with myself. I read Stoic literature and practice being in the moment and letting go. You have to get comfortable sitting with yourself and accepting discomfort. Practice radical patience with yourself. Slow living. As each month passes I’m able to do more than the last.

Your hearts a muscle the size of your first, keep loving and keep fighting.

Part vent, part solution farming. I feel like talking to their customer service is like I’m taking crazy pills. I’m about to hop on the phone with my credit card company.
First, I bought from this company based on reviews from this sub, which I will now take with a grain of salt, they have to be bots. Most scratchiest hottest sleep of my life.
I have sheets in the packaging that adhere to the companies outlandish return policy that has no benefit to the customer at all. Return denied. However, the ones I did use, return approved. I assume this was an oversight. Now I need to still return the other and there’s no way to do so through the portal. Insanity.

Is there a way to work with this company or should I just call my card company?
This is nutso.

Part vent, part solution farming. I feel like talking to their customer service is like I’m taking crazy pills. I’m about to hop on the phone with my credit card company.
First, I bought from this company based on reviews from this sub, which I will now take with a grain of salt, they have to be bots. Most scratchiest hottest sleep of my life.
I have sheets in the packaging that adhere to the companies outlandish return policy that has no benefit to the customer at all. Return denied. However, the ones I did use, return approved. I assume this was an oversight. Now I need to still return the other and there’s no way to do so through the portal. Insanity.

Is there a way to work with this company or should I just call my card company?
This is nutso.

Part vent, part solution farming. I feel like talking to their customer service is like I’m taking crazy pills. I’m about to hop on the phone with my credit card company.
First, I bought from this company based on reviews from this sub, which I will now take with a grain of salt, they have to be bots. Most scratchiest hottest sleep of my life.
I have sheets in the packaging that adhere to the companies outlandish return policy that has no benefit to the customer at all. Return denied. However, the ones I did use, return approved. I assume this was an oversight. Now I need to still return the other and there’s no way to do so through the portal. Insanity.

Is there a way to work with this company or should I just call my card company?
This is nutso.

It’s an odd feeling writing a post with this subject matter, feels much too exposed for my comfort level but my comfort level doesn’t exist anymore, so. I’m also a prideful person and would rather scream into a void than admit any of this to people close to me.

I was addicted a long time ago. I was doing pioneer research on this stuff in ‘17. I modded the site benzobuddies for a short time. I rapid tapered off Xanax after 2 years on 2mg. The withdrawal was gruesome as I don’t have a particularly strong fortitude or endurance to begin with, I’m a crybaby. Lesson learnt, marathon ran (with hyperbole and without), life resumed. It was great, I worked out all the time, enjoyed my job, loved my friends. Then my boyfriend at the time’s sister was murdered and that’s how I discovered he was married, I also ended up being a witness in the trial. Pretty traumatizing stuff, I fell apart.

My husband is the nicest person I’ve ever met. We were just friends at the time of the murder but I knew he adored me and I could depend on him. He was extremely preoccupied with caring for me and I ended up falling in love. I started taking his Klonopin the day of the murder, which was 2.5 years ago. I did a lot more than benzo’s as well, I fell back into active addiction, hard.

Time has unfortunately stopped for me. I have stopped. I don’t want to socialize, I don’t want to move, I don’t want to eat. I just want to fucking sleep, man. This all began roughly a year ago and has spiraled out as my tolerance builds. I’m currently at 1mg a day and holding, but I don’t know for how much longer. I’m in between fully sending it and upping my dose or doing the hard thing, a taper. I bought Soma and Lyrica today to hold me over while I make a decision. But I don’t want to do any of this and it’s getting worse. I’m so annoyed with my saint of a husband and I feel so bad, he was once my only source of joy and now that’s gone too and I think I don’t want to be around him because it’s all so fucking sad.

I have a cat. I am a widow and she’s the only surviving animal from my marriage 13 years ago. I love her in perpetuity, like my eyes get wet if I look at her for too long. We have spent her entire life together, from one spot to the next, trying to figure it out and making most of it up as I go along. My only constant.

I don’t want to do the taper. I don’t want to spend an hour everyday listlessly scrolling online forums looking for a modicum of relatability and a touchstone for my own situation. I don’t want to be up all night. I plain don’t want to do any of it. To the point I had The Thoughts. I’m incredibly self indulgent and privileged, my husband let me quit my job and stay home a year ago. My complaints feel like a puddle when I read about people trying to swim an ocean. I tried to get NueroStim, the modern day electroshock therapy, contraindicated because of Klonopin. I researched doing the hallucinogenics like Ibogaine or Ayahuasca, contraindicated because of Klonopin. I called a couple rehabs that are basically wellness retreats, contraindicated because of Klonopin. I gave up. I think what’s worse for me is that I knew where this would all end up at the very beginning.

I thought and I planned and I journaled and I even went as far as to tie up some legal formalities should I act on my thoughts. But I can’t. I’ve come to the realization that it’s too cruel to impart suffering on the cat, she already lost her Dad. It all feels beyond myopic and I know it’s the Klonopin, I robbed myself of being able to enjoy my leisure and my ability to work. I figured out my taper plan and that was overwhelming, felt like trying to read hieroglyphics. I just want to be able to sleep.