u/magnapinnaenthusiast

*I want to clarify that I do not thing the challenges of being a trans woman are the same as what I go through. It would be awful to discredit their experiences.

I really resonate with how I’ve heard trans women discuss their journey with facial feminization and other cosmetic procedures. I know my motivations aren’t the same, but hearing them describe wanting their body to reflect who they are internally hit me really hard. Although I am not transitioning from one gender to another, I feel the similarly about my desire to alter my face. I am rooting for my trans friends to feel good in their bodies, and deep down, I hope to be more content with myself when I also get the procedures I want. I look forward to the day my interior shines through my exterior. It’s somewhat comforting to know this is a feeling that women from other backgrounds feel.

I just got a new job at a store where I do register and some stocking. I feel like I ask way too many questions and need too much guidance that it annoys my manager and coworkers. I don’t want to be a burden, but I feel like assuming how something’s done and messing things up would be worse.

When I told a couple of my coworkers my age, they were shocked and admitted they thought I was 16. I’m 22 and older than them. They probably think I am immature and that stings extra bad since I don’t want to be seen that way by teenagers since it reminds me of worse times when I was bullied for being different. I would just tell some that I’m autistic, but I honestly don’t know how to work it into our already small conversations.

I have previous experience with customer service, but the environment was completely different so I’m not adjusting well. I hate pushing credit. I’ve been accepting customers no’s immediately and I know I’ll be called out at some point for it since I’ve gotten zero cards. And I’m bad at bantering with older women which are a big customer base that love to chat. The cosmetics at my store are ones I’m not really familiar with so I fumble around suggesting things.

Please let me know if there are good jobs for socially awkward, clueless autistic people that aren’t computer science related. I need something to look forward to while I try and get better at this job.

*tried to make it easier to read

I know they are embarrassing and weird, but they help me sleep. I also like imagining being comforted and hugged without being the one who initiates. I’m so deep in this rabbit hole that I’ve found creators that sound like my favorite characters. If I told my friends, they’d probably never let me hear the end of it.

I used to think about a romantic relationship as something that would be based on love. I quit looking at romance, porn, and even other guys because I only had eyes for him. I wanted to go on cute dates and bond like the daydreams in my head that I had since I was a kid. He did not do the same. At first I was depressed since he did not experience love in the same way I did. But I realized that most people probably don’t. I sort of broke up with him in my head (at least the dreams I had of our relationship) and spent a lot of time on self care.

I think I love him in a different way now. He is my boyfriend because he puts in his work at home and at his job. He is liked by my parents. We can make decent conversation and we find each other funny. Now I like him for those reasons. The excited puppy-love I used to have with him is gone, but I don’t see it as a bad thing. I think about him a lot less. Now I’m just content with what the relationship brings.

I read romance again. I have fantasies about fictional characters I love and find attractive and I feel happy again. I can have those cute, romantic fantasies by experiencing them with myself. My relationship is practical and steady, even if it isn’t romantic. But I can experience that heartwarming, romantic joy on my own now and I feel good. (Kind of hard to explain, so I hope this makes sense)

I think the biggest maturing I did is that I realized he is just my boyfriend. My romantic ideations are things I prefer to enjoy within through solo dates and fiction. He is just a fraction of my life, and I no longer expect this relationship to be something it’s not. When I consume romantic fiction, I no longer picture him as the male protagonist. I just enjoy the character. We are roommates, teammates in life, and good friends. He is not this once in a lifetime soulmate who I was destined to be with. I prefer to see our relationship in that way since now I love him in the same way he loves me.

I hate that people mentally associate it with being anorexic or androgynous when I don’t want to be perceived as either. I think that if I had curves in the hip or boob area, the eating disorder allegations would disappear and that’s honestly messed up. It’s a normal body type that can be naturally occurring and I wish people weren’t so quick to make comments about it. We can’t control having a wide rib cage and fat distribution that doesn’t add to the hip or chest area. Even poor Emma Stone can’t escape them, so please imagine how rough it is for an average woman to deal with them regularly. It sucks.

Is it so hard to believe that my life is difficult when my face is considered medically deformed? I’m done with therapists trying to deny my experiences and I wish people here could at least understand. Saying this is messed up, even if you’re one of those optimists who think “everyone is beautiful.” You’re calling me a liar. You’re as bad as the person I used to trust who laughed at me for confessing I was raped and claimed I was lying. “Go to therapy.” I am in therapy. I’ve been through a couple because I’m committed to fixing the problem. I can fix the my dysmorphia and have put an effort into that. Stop treating me like I’m lazy.

As I was taught in therapy, you can be both ugly and have body dysmorphia. They are two separate things. Conventional unattractiveness can actually trigger bdd. So I am still experiencing the negatives of looking this way even if I’m not fixating on it. “Just wear makeup and work out” In total, I dedicate around 14 hours a week to beauty regiments and exercise. It’s more than enough. Stop pretending like ugliness is an imaginary concept.

Every day before I go to work or do errands, I spend 2 hours getting ready. I do basic hygiene like brushing my teeth, showering, applying body lotion and deodorant, and putting on leave in conditioner to sit in a microfiber towel. I then prep my skin to do my makeup routine. I carefully apply eyelid tape to change the shape of my eyes and blow dry with warm heat to make the lace tape stick to the skin. Then I do the rest of my tedious routine of applying bb cream and concealer and contour and penciling in my eyebrows, baking them with powder and eyeshadow and curling my lashes and on and on. The process ends with me setting my makeup and moving onto my now damp hair. I apply a generous amount of heat protectant. Then I section my hair and blow dry with an a round brush to style it. 4 layers. I set it with hair spray. I put on the outfit I planned the day prior and apply fragrance.

After I finish, I look at myself and feel sick. I do all that with the pathetic hope that I look good. My makeup skills are great. I’ve been practicing since middle school and I’ve perfected a solid natural makeup routine. But makeup doesn’t fix ugly. My eyes are still small and slanty. My cheeks are still disproportionately chubby. My lips are too narrow and because of this my cheek fat bunches up when I smile. I look like a racist WW2 caricature. I know that there’s a chance I’ll leave the house and be directly reminded of how disgusting people find me. I feel like the phrase “lipstick on a pig.” No amount of dieting, exercise, makeup skills, or hair care are going to fix me. I’m so unattractive that it makes me want to puke. I try so hard but I still am clearly ugly and I know it shows.

Tried to make a post about how women’s insecurities are fetishized by men by discussing extreme examples and got mass downvoted. I don’t even blame women downvoting right away because there are weirdos who pose as women here to bait women into answering nsfw questions. It sucks because part of being a woman is being sexualized and it’s an important thing to be able to talk about.

I am the last friend people remember when suggesting to hang out. I am the last woman a man tries to date/fuck after asking out everyone left. Realistically speaking, it’s probably because I am clearly autistic and very ugly/unattractive. I’m sure wanting to be desired and liked is a universal desire, but I feel like I’m more desperate than the average person and it ends up contributing to my isolation because people are put off my desperation. I struggle to stick in the area between completely isolating myself or being overbearing. Isolation is less embarrassing and what I chose between the two, but being a hermit who only talks to my parents and has never had a boyfriend makes me feel odd. But then accepting being the last resort seems even worse! “Men take what they can get” turns me off to dating and the social cues that come natural to other women are discouraging. I feel stuck.