u/marycartlizer

"That's a gorgeous ring you have on. That center diamond is the biggest one I've ever seen."

The old woman perks up a bit. "Why, Thank you. That large middle diamond is actually known as the Plotnik Diamond. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of it, but the Plotnik Diamond actually comes with a curse"

The young woman says, "Wow, a curse! That sounds so romantic"

The old woman frowned a bit then said, "If you knew the curse, you wouldn't think it was so romantic"

"Why? What is the Plotnik curse?

"Mr. Plotnik!"

He saw two men trying to take the woman's purse. He grabbed one of the attackers but the second one got away.

Once the police showed up, they asked the fisherman to describe the one that got away.

The fisherman described, "He must have been at least ten feet tall and weighed a thousand pounds!"

The sales man laments, "I tell ya, if the furniture business doesn't pick up, I'm gonna lose my ass!"

The prostitute smiles and says, "That's a funny coincidence. If the ass business doesn't pick up, I'm gonna lose my furniture!"

Tragically, on the way home from work one day, Boudreaux, lost control of the car and crashed it up into a tree. Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt, he was killed instantly but Thibodeaux was completely unharmed.

Thibodeaux realized he had to go over to Boudreaux's house and tell his wife that he was dead.

He walked up to Boudreaux's front door and knocked loudly. Boudreaux's wife answered the door and saw someone she has never seen before.

"May I help you?"

Thibodeaux blurts out, "You the widow Boudreaux?"

A little shaken, Boudreaux's wife says, "Why no!"

"The hell you ain't!!"

As the bartender is serving the beer he asks the man, " I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Why do you have a salami sandwich taped to your head?"

"My family has a proud tradition. We all always wear sandwiches tape to our heads on Tuesdays."

"Today is Monday."

"Oh my! I must look like such an idiot!"

"Well," explained my friend, "It has a chip in it so you if you lose it you can find it with your phone. If you hit it in the water, it floats up to the surface and can get to the side using a tiny engine inside the ball"

"Wow, that's amazing! Where did you get this ball?"

"Found it!"

"Ever since I was young, my faith in God has helped me with the discipline needed to keep at it. As I age, the Lord keeps guiding me in many ways. For instance, when I get up to pee at night, the Lord turns the bathroom light on, and when I'm done, the Lord turns the bathroom light off."

After Fred leaves, the doctor is a little concerned about what may be a hallucination, so he calls Fred's wife.

"Fred is in great shape as always, but he said one thing that concerned me. He said when he gets up to pee at night, the Lord turns the bathroom light on, and when he's done, the Lord turns the bathroom light off. Do you know what that means?"

" Yes, it means he's pissing in the fridge again!"

Every time the bull approached and mounted the cow to mate, the cow would pull away and run to the other side of the pasture. This went on for several days.

Getting desparate and not knowing what to do, Avram contacted his rabbi for advice. He explained, "Rabbi, my new cow will not let the bull mate. Every time he tries, she runs to the other side of the pasture"

The Rabbi thinks a moment, then asks, "Avram, did you, perhaps, get this cow in Minsk?"

"Why yes! How could you have known that?"

There was a long pause, then the Rabbi sighed, "My wife is from Minsk."

He recognizes the little window, but rather than the low bench for kneeling, there is a recliner with massage function. Next to the recliner is a small table with glass decanter of some sort of whisky and a box of cigars.

Suddenly, a priest walks into the room behind him. He turns to face the priest and says, "This is nothing like I remember it."

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE ON THE WRONG SIDE!"

She says to herself, "Well Mr. Shecky Goldstein, you clearly have the largest penis I have ever seen. I'm going to have to take a photo of this to show to my husband."

She takes the photo, finishes up for the day, and goes home. When she sees her husband, she immediately takes out her phone and shows him the photo of the penis.

He looks aghast then cries out,

"Oh my God, Shecky Goldstein is dead!"

"Guess what", he blurts out between gasps, "I saved $2.00 today running behind the bus.

She looks over at him and screams,

"You moron! You could have saved $50 if you ran behind a cab."

Since she has always loved her pet cats, she decides to open with, "Excuse me, Do you like pussycats?"

Upon hearing that, the man gets up, walks over and extends his hand out to her. She grabs his hand and he helps her to her feet. He then leads her to a nearby private cabana.

Once inside, he immediately begins to seduce her and she gladly accepts.

Once they are done and getting dressed, she looks over at him and asks, "I was wondering how you knew that was exactly what I wanted?"

"And I was wondering how you knew my name was Katz!"

The female had gone into heat and the male was trying to mate with her. She couldnt get them apart and was terrified.

She called the local veternarian and explained what was going on.

The vet suggested, "Take your phone and place it near the dogs. I'll ring your phone and the ringing sound will distract the male, causing him to lose his erection. Then you will be able to separate them easily"

"Are you sure it will work?"

"It just worked on me!"

He arrives at the small office and he quickly realizes he's the only applicant.

Claude questions, "How am I gonna be a lion tamer? I'm afraid of cats!"

The Ringmaster said, "Listen, it's mostly theater, you just have to learn the moves. In case anything happens you have the whip and the chair. If they start to get aggressive, you can use the whip and the chair to remind them who's boss."

"What if that doesn't work?"

The Ringmaster came back with, "In the rare event that happens, reach into your pants, pull out some of poop that's in there, and rub it in his eyes."

There was a long pause and as Claude asked, "How can you be sure it'll be in there?"

"Trust me, it'll be there"

" Here, check out my wife" he said as he scrolled through a few photos on his phone, "Isn't she hot?!"

I replied, "If you think your wife is hot, you should see my wife"

"Is she hot too?

"Well yes, but she's also an eye doctor!"

He has everyone stand up then says, "OK, everyone who is intimate with their wives at least once a week please sit down" About half the crowd sits down.

After asking about once every two weeks and once a month, only one man, who is grinning from ear to ear, is left standing.

The minister continues to ask, once every two months, once every three months, and the man continues to stand and smile.

Finally, when the minister reached 'once a year', the man, still grinning, nods his head yes and sits down.

The minister, fascinated by this, asks the man, "I know this may be too personal, but why are you grinning so much about it."

The man stands up and shouts, "TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!!"

"Ya know, we've been married for over 50 years. And lately I started to feel depressed so I went to see a psychologist"

"So, what did he tell you?"

The old woman continued, "He said that I should be having sex four times a week. Did you hear that, four times a week I should be having sex."

The husband looked over at her blankly,

"Sign me up for two"

There were several cut outs in the sidewalk. The man would approach each cutout. He would then dig a hole, wait two or three minutes, then fill the hole.

The man thought he must be missing something so he went over to talk to the guy.

"Why are you digging a hole, waiting, then filling it back in?"

"I see why you are confused. There is usually someone else with me, but he has a day off."

"What does HE do?"

"He plants the tree"

Now that I'm retired, I've been getting divorced and remarried over and over to have the same thing.😄