u/milevamaric1

I can only share this with the Reddit community because I don’t want my family and friends to know that I am devastated.. I am ashamed to be going through all of this. I am 35 and for the first time in my life, broken to pieces. I thought these things only happened when you were younger.

I’ve had relationships before, but none of them—not even my marriage—shattered my heart this way. I was always able to move on after a breakup. I am coming out of a pretty toxic relationship and I feel completely worthless. I forgot who I was. I lost my focus on everything. The questions in my head never stop. Why didn’t it work? How could I not make it work with someone I loved this much? All I ever wanted was to feel understood and seen..

I moved to another city for him and I feel so alone now. I do not know how I will move on. The worst part is that I still love him. He shattered my heart, but I still do not want to blame him. He couldn’t give me what he didn’t have that’s all. He was not a bad person. The thought of someone I love so deeply, someone who means the world to me becoming a stranger is destroying me. My anxiety is killing me.

I just want to know that this will pass and I will be okay.

These thoughts have been in my mind for some time, probably because of the relationship I am currently in.

I think every human being has wounds and insecurities. Some come from childhood, some from past relationships etc and these can make us feel unworthy.

I should also add that I do not believe the idea of “Nobody can make you feel insecure if you believe in yourself or if you have self confidence.”

There is a popular belief that we must heal every wound, overcome every insecurity, and work through every trigger until nothing affects us anymore. I don’t think it is realistic. Some wounds soften with time, others can stay with us for a lifetime. Being human doesn’t mean becoming completely “healed.”

When someone repeatedly triggers our deepest insecurities,-especially without intention- empathy may help us understand why they behave the way they do but understanding does not mean we should accept it and continue.

Imo sometimes the right question is “Why am I forcing myself to live with this” instead of “Why are they like this?” Self-compassion is not less important than empathy. We are not obliged to remain in situations that constantly reopen our wounds just because we understand the logic and intention behind someone else’s actions. Of course empathy is important but sometimes it is not we need it.

I am not talking about being an irresponsible piece of sh*t or not being accountable but I honestly think not every insecurity must be overcomed. Sometimes we should accept ourselves as we are and move on. Trying to find places that does not touch our most fragile spots might be a better option than constantly trying to understand other’s behavior.

I feel so miserable. Yesterday we were supposed to celebrate our first anniversary. Instead we had a fight, as always. At the end of this bad night, I was looking at the waiter who is really old and felt sad thinking “he must have needs if he works at this age at this time of the night”. He asked me “what were u thinking?” I told him what I thought and he started shouting at me like “what an arrogance this is, who the f*ck you think you are to feel bad for these people?” And he started swearing at me. I am so sick and tired of hearing things about my character and it is almost always personal. He is constantly attacking my character. I became paranoid about myself. I feel so low, so shallow, so bad as an human being. I changed where I live for this person. Now I feel totally miserable.