u/missdysphorya

Apologies if this or similar questions have been asked.

I live in Freiburg but have not been out and about for a few years now. Im looking for something that provides room for plenty of conversation but doesnt force it...for the lack of a better description.

Im open to getting a few drinks but am not thrilled with drinking being the only activity of highlight.

Any events going on worth checking out this Friday? Or somewhere where the vibes make it worth the visit?

Im the single mother of a 16 year old who's never made it easy or I guess had it easy growing up. I want to be careful how I word this not because I necessarily think there has to be a "reason" for BPD but so that I can give a full picture that's also fair to him.

At 6 we moved from the US to Europe because that's where Im from and I was struggling with holding down two jobs with a chronic health condition and found out I was pregnant with my second.

He had to leave everything he ever knew behind. However he hes had access to support systems, really good support when he started majorly struggling in school and when he started showing more signs of issues I could put the necessary time and energy needed to gey him help without risking homelessness in the process.

His upbringing wasnt idyllic but he knows on some level he had a mother pushed and advocated with her last ounce of energy to get try and get him the support systems he needed. Around nine things started to get hard in school and his behavior at home started to become out of control. He was at first diagnosed with severe adhd and medication helped alot at school but it seemed like the crash when it wore off intensified already difficult and at times unmanagable behaviors.

My life quickly revolved to never ending meetings with social workers,therapists, burecrats. We tried so many methodologies but it always seemed improvements only lasted for a time until a whole new pattern developed. I ended up developing major depression and obviously that had an effect on him but it often felt like the worse I was struggling the worse his behaviors like if I was to burnt out to uphold boundaries it was a win.

When he was 13 a small disagreement over who shoukd carry his heavily packed bag for a school campimg trip resulted in him throwing and hitting me in the face with it giving me a blue eye. It was one of those accidents in that yeah he fully intended to throw it with full force at my face but he didnt intend to give me a black eye.

I was already receiving outpatient care for the deep depression and burnt out I was living with and after that I had a moment of deep despair and with that "i failed my kid. He is better off without me logic" I actually started planning an attempt which thankfully I told on myself for but agreed with my providers to go inpatient for awhile.

During this time he was placed in a small group home near to where we lived and the arrangement seemed better for all involved. But then his behavior there started spiralling and hed get into huge conflicts with the staff and always report it back as abuse to me. He was on the verge of being kicked out and tbh getting him back home when the time was right was what I wanted anyways

Things didnt improve in fact with the onset of puberty....

He started self harming around 13 and 2 years ago he also was diagosed with ASD which im not a psychiatrist but besides difficulty with regulation and meltdowns due to overwhelm idk...

Hes had it hard but abuse and neglect he hasnt had. If anything I look back and realize I might have been the other extreme. I always tried to see his perspective and really ran around as kind of his personal secretary.

At 16 a little rough housing teasong game went to far from his side before I realized and he swung a clothes hanger at me 20 times hitting the back of my neck head and arms. We agreed that living at home was over. Since then I try to make it so he can be here at weekends and holidays. But ita never easy.

Last Sunday after a week of him having smth happen with a boy he liked and I guess stress over me trying to motivate or push him to continue and finish his last year of HS. I had to call an ambulance and rush him to the ER because he dumped an entire salt shaker into water and drank it then came and told me. Apparently this is well within the range of sodium that can lead to fatal toxicity. He told the doctors something about him having starting a week ago to purge meals but when a toothbrush wasnt working he decided to try this to throw up. I was with him for over 24 hours as he was monitored and then when he was released after admiting only to me that he knows some element of it was self harm started turning absolutely diabolical to me when I insisted he take this seriously and we talk to whoever we need to to get him some help

It's like he right away started to reframe it as me overreacting, being hysterical or...i dont even know. Just said the most horrible things after I had spent a day and a night fearing for his life.

He is ignoring calls and texts. I stopped trying and dont know if Ive devastated or relieved that there is nothing I can for him rn. There was just something about this that made me for the first time consider what if he has now developed clinical bpd.

I know no one here is a psychiatrist and ofc I only could include the most extreme negative behaviors or youd get a novel. He is in so many ways a wonderful kid and throughout the years despite our ups and downs weve been really close. Something just clicked in my brain though and looking back it almost feels like without doing so consciously he has controlled situations or created situations to provoke the emotional reaction he needed from me.

I know he is hurting and has been for a long time. I dont know how to help him and I dont think I even can now.

TLDT: but if any parent read this all the way through how did you come to find your child had bpd? Were there some key signs. Or parents of adults who got diagnosed later were there any things that in reterospect youd say were early indicators

He is fine. At home and stable. Im completely floored, wrecked and still cant wrap my mind around this how this is even possible.

He is not suicidal but has struggled in the past with some degree of an eating disorder that due to some emotional triggers flared up again and manifested suddenly and without my knowledge as bulimia.

In an effort to effectively purge a meal he dumped 6-tablespoons of table salt in water and chugged it. Apparently he found some kind of pro mia tip on tiktok about saltwater and without thinking about amounts emptied a small shaker. Thank fucking god he got a little scared and came to me almost immediately after.

I almost dismissed the whole thing with a "ok we need to get back in with your therapist first thing next week" because in my mind ok it's just table salt and how much could he have really gotten down anyways. My gut told me call poison control just in case and I was absolutely astounded when the operator tells me in a polite way " this is one of the most well known mia "hacks" out there you might want to be better informed on his both the condition and the media out there on it."

What...?

When he relayed the amounts over the phone she then stops and tells me hang up call 112(german 911) NOW.

He was admitted immediately hooked up with a port, after alot of rushing around Im assuming they decided it was either too late to pump his stomach or would be ineffective. His vitals were wonky but not severe but his blood showed extremely elevated levels of sodium and they were discussing options for when kidney function started showing signs of faltering.

His system ended up being able to hold it's own and after almost 24 hours of blood panels every 45 minutes the danger was deemed to have past. He honestly didnt even feel that bad through the whole thing and was talking and cracking jokes. Finally got him home and he finally passed out on my bed watching Gravity Falls. I dont think he is or even can be fully aware of what might have happened. I dont even know if I do.

I mean I dont know if Im just really out of the loop but I came of age at a time when the pro ana and mia sites were still open on the web and went on to raise my kids under the naiveity that at least the open web was scrubbed of this sort of thing. Beyond that that something that can literally kill an impulsive kid that isnt thinking is literally sitting on your kitchen counter. He is a tall healthy 16 year old but what if he was a frail 12 year old with a system already under strain

Im still reeling and havent begun to process all of this yet but if this is a well known thing then by all means I SHOULD be better informed but otherwise it shouldnt be only poison control services aware of this being a common and highly dangerous bit of info kids are passing around

Im 38 and a single mother of 2. At the risk of sounding about a decade immature Im going.to still ask. What are some things maybe outside of the textbook answers you utilised to move through things you could not even mentally grasp at much less process....as a grown as woman.

Im not even talking about trauma in the textbook sense. Although that logic would apply I guess. I just am so familiar with the language I guess that Im seeking alternative language.

I had a pretty traumatic childhood and made some shitty decisions but nothing I couldnt live with and develop a program or support system to work through. I have my regrets and hard won to theorize about as much as the next woman.

In the space of a year though I experienced an out of hospital sudden cardiac arrest with no medical explanations and lost a sibling to breast cancer. Im struggling to describe what im experiencing or relate to others experiences. I dont know if it's profound grief or existential angst or regret and guilt depression etc. It doesnt feel like any of those things. It feels like all of the above and something else entirely

When I cant handle the mental gymnastics I try to focus purely on the practical. Eat, hydrate, move,talk to people.

Im ok. Im in no danger of homelessness. I make it to weekly therapy. I can function and even with alot of effort be there for my kids. But when I dont have to do anything else I could just stare at the walls.

But Ive been stuck in this place with minimal progress for what feels like a very long time and it feels so drastically more agonizing than significantly more difficult events at a much younger age