u/mountdiablo_bruja

I [30F] just found out I’m pregnant for the first time and I’m really struggling with what to do. I’m looking for other women who have been in this situation and how you personally decided whether you wanted to continue the pregnancy or have an abortion.

One of the biggest things complicating this for me is that I have extreme medical anxiety/phobias. I avoid doctors, hospitals, medical procedures, etc. pretty much at all costs. Even the thought of having to go to regular prenatal appointments, get blood drawn, have ultrasounds, give birth, etc. is honestly terrifying to me. I know myself well enough to worry that if I continued the pregnancy, I might end up avoiding or skipping prenatal care altogether because of how anxious I get.

But at the same time, part of me really does want the baby. And that’s what makes this so hard. There’s a part of me that already feels attached and wants to see where this life goes, but then I think about everything pregnancy involves medically and I get completely overwhelmed and scared.

My partner [31M] of 13 years is also making this harder. He says that he supports whatever I decide because it’s my body, but he’s also making it pretty clear that he thinks abortion is the right choice. He’s been bringing up statistics about maternal mortality and the risks of pregnancy, and honestly it’s making my anxiety worse. I understand that pregnancy has risks and I’m not trying to pretend it doesn’t, but hearing statistics about dying during pregnancy when I already have a huge fear of medical situations is not exactly making me feel better, and he’s doing it to scare me on purpose into making the decision he wants. I’m also afraid I might not be cut out for parenthood; I have zero shining examples in my life and have been no-contact with my mother for 12.5 years.

I’m also somehow oddly embarrassed by me personally being pregnant. Saying baby, child, or referring to myself as a mother, is making me feel so awkward, unnatural and uncomfortable. An additional layer to this is that I have PCOS, and I’m afraid if I terminate this pregnancy and I come to regret it I will never have another opportunity. We weren’t trying to get pregnant but weren’t trying to avoid it either. After 13 years without the use of any birth control and highly irregular or absent cycles, I honestly thought it would never be possible for me without medical intervention which I’m not willing to pursue.

I know ultimately the decision is mine, and I’m going back and forth with the decision. I’m not really looking for people to tell me whether I should have an abortion or keep the pregnancy. I want to hear from women who were really unsure and maybe have similar fears and phobias.

How did you come to make your decision? I hope this makes sense.

My old MacBook has kicked the can. I am a student at Oregon State University through their Ecampus platform and live in Eugene. I am currently living paycheck-to-paycheck and don’t have the ability to purchase a new one right now, even on a payment plan. OSU does have a laptop borrowing program, but only for seven days and no renewals. It’s not financially feasible for me to drive up to OSU weekly to check this out, nor can they guarantee my ability to check it right back out dependent on demand. It is the same situation with the City of Eugene public library program minus the commute, and UO’s program is only for their students. Does anyone know of any other resources for low income students in need of a laptop that can accommodate a long term checkout? Say, the course of a term? I’m trying to save for something refurbished from Goodwill, but I don’t think I can manage it in time for the start of Fall term.

My partner and I have been in a relationship for almost 13 years. Most of those years have been bad. I moved in with him when I was only 18 years old, 5 months into our relationship because I had been getting molested by my stepfather. My mother moved us out when I came to her with the information at my partner’s behest, but my mother was already involved in an affair simultaneously that once it had started to break down, she didn’t care about being a supportive mother anymore and only cared about getting back with the man who had been molesting me to help her feel wanted and valid. I went no contact with my mother and stepfamily at the point I moved in with him.

He cheated on me via Snapchat, punched me in the face a year in. I got really depressed and let my anxiety take over, and gained weight. I moved out of state 8-hours away with him so he could attend school while I dropped out to make money for the move. My partner became vicious in that time, physically and emotionally. He made me feel like nothing. Told me I was fat, ugly, stupid. That my family didn’t love me and didn’t want to talk to me, was grateful that he took me away from them and I was lucky I had him. He’s threatened my life several times over the years. Tells me how worthless and boring I am. He’s racist and tells me I’m lucky he doesn’t put me back in the fields with the other Mexicans where I belong. It’s all day, every day that he insults me. I have photos of bruises he’s left, and mental images of the water he’s dumped over me, hangers he’s used to hit me, spitting in my face, getting nose-to-nose with me screaming in my face at the top of his lungs, him holding scissors to my hair threatening to cut it all off.

Just now, he was angry I ordered food for delivery instead of going to get it myself. I went to the bathroom, locked the door and turned the shower on to get away from him. He walked up to the door and started screaming at me from the other side because he was about to do dishes and he was pissed I had the shower on. I told him it was a cold shower and didn’t matter, I wouldn’t use hot water. He continued to tell me how stupid I was through the door so I called him a name. When it got silent and I thought it was safe, he suddenly swung the door open where he had found a screwdriver to unlock it, grabbed my face to squeeze because he said I had no right to call him a name, and then he slapped me across the face, shut the light off, threw my dog in with me and slammed the door shut again.

I have been involved in an affair with a man I used to work with back home 13 years ago for the past two months; we kept in touch lightly over the years, and we recently realized we had both been very interested in each other back then, hid it from each other, and still were. He’s helped me to see I don’t deserve anyone treating me like this, and he has been supportive and let me lead the way with what I’m comfortable with. I have planned leaving my partner when he goes on his yearly trip in September so I could have time to put aside money without him knowing (he monitors me because he wants to know what I’m eating and spending money on) and packing. But this is feeling more and more untenable the more I come to understand I don’t deserve the level of pain my partner gives me. I’m not perfect, I am overweight and struggle with remembering chores and making smart financial choices. I was trying to wait so I could look for a job and move in with my cousin as a roommate as we have recently planned. I don’t want to be a burden on my father, who I would move in with, an hour further out than planned until I could afford living with my cousin for another few months. My self confidence over my body image is also completely destroyed so another layer of worry is seeing the man I’ve been having the affair with before I feel like I’ve had adequate time to start my fitness journey. I’ve expressed my insecurity to him which he’s assured me that he’s here for me regardless and wants to support me in whatever way I need, but the what my current partner has been telling me for over a decade is loud and hard to overcome.

What would you do in my shoes? Would you try to leave sooner, like this month? Or would you try to stick to the plan?

REUNITED WITH HER FAMILY💕🥳

Found a little Chihuahua/Chihuahua mix female wandering directly in front of my apartment on Kinsrow Ave. She is mostly white, with Rat Terrier-like markings that are comprised of one black spot on her right flank, black spots on both her half-pricked ears, and an upturned, curved, all-white tail. She had no collar nor tags, and also had no microchip when scanned. She was friendly and walked right up to me, allowed me to pick her up immediately after a sniff. I would estimate her to be between 4-5 years of age. Someone must be missing her.

For anyone who thinks this may be their pet, please message me along with a photo of the pet who you are looking for. I can provide photos upon request at that juncture.