u/ms_ashes

Heya, friends.

I'm 40, was officially diagnosed with ADHD in the past 10 years (though it was suggested in childhood, but my parents balked at it), and am looking into the possibility of autism on the advice of my therapist. That's brought me into some research about alexithymia, and... I'm really torn and would love some feedback.

My therapist has been trying to get me to connect with my emotions in my body. This is... a really bizarre concept to me for the most part. Strong emotions of certain types do have a physical component (anxiety and fear include a racing heart, tightness around my chest, strong nervousness can produce the "butterflies in stomach" feeling), but most emotions do not have any sort of physical sensation for me that I'm aware of.

However, I am not particularly disconnected from emotions? I know when I am sad or annoyed or frustrated and sometimes even happy, but to me it's just a mental feeling. I am very empathetic and actually really enjoy talking about people's emotions or trying to help people untangle complicated emotional stuff, and I'm usually pretty dang intuitive about motivations and what people are feeling. But also in general, if people ask how I'm feeling, it's usually just "ok," a kind of bland/numb state that's not anything.

So when I've taken the various alexithymia tests, I tend to score somewhere kinda close to the "maaaybe" guidelines, but still in the "nah, not alexithymia" range. I also have aphantasia and am demisexual, so some of the questions are... tough for me to answer? I don't visualize things, and I've only been in one romantic/sexual relationship. I don't have much creativity, my "imagination" such as it is is very practical, and I rarely remember dreams and when I do they're straight-forward anxiety-based (used to have lots of "you forgot to go to class for the whole semester and now it's exam time!" type dreams, now they're either about someone I thought cared about me actually hating me or just... boring).

It's also weird because I do have sensations in my body in general, but the more I read about how other people experience them, my experience does seem to be different. My therapist has me doing exercises to try to connect with my body, mostly involving noticing sensations and the like. But I pretty much am always aware of the things that she wants me to notice? Like, I'm always aware of the feeling of my clothes on my body. I even notice when mucus shuffles from one side of my sinuses to the other (I can "hear" when it drips...). So while I understand the goal of the exercises (feeling the physical feelings that I'm supposed to feel with emotions), it also doesn't feel like it will get me to where she wants me to be, because I'm not completely disconnected from my body, I just don't physically feel emotions.

That said, I definitely do have some issues with interoception. I can't sense my heartbeat, and I struggle with knowing when I'm hungry or full.

So... I dunno. Do I just have bad interoception and maybe I do have emotions that I will be able to feel in my body? Or is it some sort of kind-of alexithymia?

Alas, it did not go particularly well, and I'm kicking myself. I struggle with being hydrated enough, and I didn't do well before this appointment with that.

They had trouble with placing in my vein, and I quickly "clotted up." I saw in the FAQ here that this likely means what I did donate will be tossed, so I'm feeling guilty for wasting time and resources. I also don't know if they'll be able to do any tests to make sure I'm OK for next time. I also have a pretty large hematoma at the needle site. Just not a particularly fun time, even though the folks working at the drive were very kind.

Buuuut I'm trying to not let this get me down. I signed up for another appointment in 2 months, so now I just need to do a better job preparing. I really hope I will be able to give!

So I know I could ask my electrologist about this, but I don't want to ask her a totally ridiculous question, so I'll ask here first!

Thanks to anxiety and psoriasis, I have a spot on the edge of my scalp where I was picking a lot (I know, I know). The hair there was getting broken off and damaged, and now that the psoriasis is no longer there and I've stopped picking, the hairs are growing back fairly well, except ... one hair is totally black. I have blonde hair and it is very visible to me. I actually plucked it out (I know...) the first time it grew back, but it's been a few months and it's growing back again, and is still completely black (and it is nowhere near the same texture or thickness as my other hair).

So anyway, to my non-expert self, this seems like a damaged follicle that will probably keep growing back black? Would it be possible to have an electrologist treat that follicle? Would it affect nearby follicles? I don't want to mess up my other hairs, but since I'm getting electrolysis anyway, if I can treat that one hair without worry, I would be up for it.

Hey! I'm trying to find a video that I'm fairly sure was on someone's personal site rather than any big hosting platform. I feel like I found it around 2008-2010.

It had a very distinct style and was kind of a critique of capitalism as well as a reflection on the loss of joy as one ages, and also some depression, too.

The characters were metallic things, kind of like robot stoves? They had bright light emanating from their bellies when they were happy, and there was a swing-open door on the belly so they could look at the fuel/bright light from the belly.

It was set to music, but there were no vocals, though at the beginning and end there were children laughing. The music was very moving. At the beginning of the video the main character is a child and has a bright light coming from them, with a very golden hue, though everything else is a monotone grey. ​The character ages and goes to work, which is represented by an assembly line. The light inside them starts to fade. Another character yells at them at some point. There's a bit where the light burns out, and there also seems to be a part with brightness that is connected to drugs or medication or just temporary boosts to mood. I think this part has text on the stuff that represents the meds/drugs/boost.

At the end it kind of starts over again, implying this is a never ending cycle. I think the child characters are playing on a merry-go-round that is very squeaky as well as the laughter.

The title was, I'm pretty sure, a one-word emotional concept like Misery or Joy.

I've just gotten back into using Finch! I love being able to schedule recurring tasks/reminders, but unless I'm missing something, it doesn't seem like there's a yearly recurring option?

One of my struggles with productivity and remembering stuff is doing things that happen on a less common basis. Like, for example, sending people birthday cards. I don't use calendar apps because they quickly become way too overwhelming, and while I do use a wall calendar for keeping track of activities, it's easy for birthdays to fall through the cracks because I'd like to send cards about a week in advance.

Yearly Finch reminders would also be super helpful for things that I would like to do 3-4 times a year, such as household maintenance stuff that I tend to forget.

Anyway! Just wondering if there is a yearly recurring option that I'm missing somewhere. If not, I guess I'm off to make a suggestion!

I've been getting electrolysis for the past few weeks. I grew up dirt poor with parents who resented tipping, so I just... don't think about it? I didn't learn until my late 20s that I should have been tipping when I got my hair cut.

Anyway, I haven't tipped after my electrolysis sessions (been paying with cash and check, so no little receipt to push me for it if it is expected), and it just struck me on my way home today that this is one of those fields where tipping might be expected. Those of you familiar with electrolysis (especially in Madison, hence asking here), should I be tipping? I don't want to be rude or a bad customer, but I'm also likely to be doing this for months if not years, so I'm just really unsure.