u/mustard-drinker

so i want to get out of my room because i'm so bored, and i think i'm probably going to go to a local grocery store and just walk around and look at stuff. i do this pretty often. i think it would be really embarrassing if people noticed me doing it and knew or whatever. i get pretty embarrassed when i think people can tell. so i usually end up buying random groceries just to look like i'm shopping (i'd rather just walk around and i don't have that sort of money either).

my town is not super big (it's not like a CITY city) so it's the same workers working the same shifts roughly, and potentially running into people i know.

i've been seriously binging. the rebound has been horrible.

yesterday i had, conservatively something like >!6,000!<. probably honestly more. i don't really know. i'm only thinking of 3 things i ate. and like, i knew i was just eating to fill the void but i didn't really care. i knew it was a bad idea, i just didn't care. i was already feeling shit and still went and got more food knowing full well what i was doing.

well, next day was awful. for one i look like shit, because after something like that, i can't really shower or take care of myself very well. it's like 100+F here and i wore a hoodie to class, i just really hope nobody noticed that i did because it feels shameful to admit i'm insecure.

in addition to that, i mean, my body hurt really bad. like you get wore all over, your ribs, your arms, your skin just hurts to the touch yk. speed bumps hurt.

and then i went to pee and it literally smelled like apple juice, like SWEEET and i thought to myself >!"am i pissing glucose? does that mean i didn't absorb all of those calories?"!<. i know that's a warning sign of t2 diabetes... but that can also just be from a binge, and i'm >!low NW!<, so i don't feel like that can be possible. although that may be inaccurate. further research is warranted here. it's kinda spooky but... also kind of intriguing i can't lie.

i don't really feel like this problem is solved by anything other than me going back to restricting. which i know is shit to say, but i just can't see myself being normal about food. of course that's what i always say, and then i'm always right back here. i wonder what was different before, i wonder why it was so easy.

i'm a little upset about it though. well honestly really upset. but, i should feel better soon...

honestly that’s just it. i’m doing a lot better and i’m grateful for that. i have friends now, even a partner, etc. but i remember i used to just scroll on food pages and look at food, and i knew every restaurant in my area, i had a long list of dishes i’d wanted to try, i would constantly be buying food and cooking.

the stupid, stupid irony is i probably spent more on food back then than i do even now. not just talking expensive crap, but cheap stuff too. most of the injuries to my hands are at the behest of a kitchen knife accident from compulsively cooking CONSTANTLY lol.

it sounds weird, i thought i’d crave the certainty of WL and i do, but i crave that obsession around food i used to have, all of the rituals, all of that even more i think. i used to be able to fill my time and entertain myself just by talking about food or just by looking at it. now i just feel bored all of the time i feel like.

TW for mentioning glps and fatphobia

it’s extremely frustrating how fatphobic people have gotten. and i noticed especially people that took glp-1R agonists or other WL drugs.

i will be sitting in class having just eaten and overhear someone bragging about their “discipline” or saying eating without thinking is a problem or whatever. and i usually stay quiet but i feel like i’m actually about to explode.

the worst ones it seems are the ppl who lost weight with drugs. maybe not all of them, but i noticed many are very vocal with fatphobic language literally out of nowhere all the time and constantly brag.

on one hand, i get it. on the other, these drugs were approved for treating morbid obesity and T2D. not for vanity, and that distinction is really important in a way many people don’t understand fully.

i think im really mentally resilient now and doing a lot better, and i gained a little weight back and i feel okay about it most days, but it seriously frustrates me to no end. these people act like they’re in some club for being skinny or for WL but they just have a complete blind spot to how that affects people around them, and society is suffering as a result of it. they don’t know how deep that rabbit hole actually goes. and hopefully they don’t find out.

i'm in the US and grocery prices are absolutely so bad. before i could've justified buying expensive protein snacks and stuff like that, sure it was a big expense, but it was worth it to me still. now i don't know that this is true anymore. my finances are absolutely drowning.

the cost of living where i'm at is pretty low compared to elsewhere, but i still pay $17 for a 6pk of canned chicken. not fresh chicken, not anything like that. low-quality canned chicken.

tuna has been a little cheaper, but i had some problems from eating too much tuna and so i obviously can't do that every day.

how are all of you doing it? all of my safe foods be expensive as hell. even the ones that weren't that expensive before. ironically the "expensive" items haven't even climbed in price that much. ONLY the stuff that's SUPPOSED to be cheap.

and the stuff that i will get, and that won't break my wallet, makes it hard to get enough protein.

it feels like some kind of fucked up disordered endgame. on one hand, i know it’s immature/whatever at my age and i don’t really want to be seen as or be that way. on the other hand, i just don’t think i’ll really feel comfortable in my own skin again, let alone at this weight.

i could lose more weight but that would be immature af or whatever, right? but i just want to feel comfortable in my own skin, and i just feel like that’s not going to happen.

it feels like the worst of both worlds. sometimes i think to myself i just need to get worse first, then i can gain back and i’ll finally feel okay or something.

i grew up in a situation which was maybe not the best for my mental health. regardless, i've changed substantially since, and at this point i'm virtually unrecognizable.

at some point along the way, i started really overthinking stuff. really badly. maybe that was always something i did. i can't really say when it started for sure. but i'll think like, do i seem weird? do i seem like a cornball? do i seem like a know-it-all? do i seem like too much of a dork? do i look fat? do i look too thin? do i look ugly? do i look like a meth addict? do i look stupid? do my coworkers hate me and think i'm a slacker? do other people think i don't care?

what's actually going on with me? what do people actually think?

and to an extent, i feel myself losing a grip on reality so often. i am not grounded at all. sometimes i'll drive home and think, "did i hit someone with my car and just blank and forget about it? am i forgetting about something?". i legitimately just lose grips with reality sometimes.

and again i can't say how long this has been going on, but i can say it really started to kick up around 2 years ago, after i had a pretty traumatizing breakup and ended up isolating myself for about 6 months straight.

i just feel like my perceptions are so flawed and biased, they're not objective reality at all. so i can't go off of my own judgement alone, with nearly any decision. it's probably not that my judgement is bad, i just think about it too much. to the point where it paralyzes me and i just do nothing at all.

i almost don't even feel like i really know who i am anymore, in any capacity whatsoever. like some sort of identity crisis maybe? i don't really know.

today was one such bad day, i thought about different ways i could spend my afternoon after i got home from work, and weighed the pros and cons of each and before i knew it, i had spent nearly 3 or 4 hours in my bed staring at my ceiling fan. not on my phone, not on my computer playing my new game, just staring and thinking.

i lost these 3 or 4 hours of freedom just due to sheer analysis paralysis. and like, i was distressed, i am distressed, the entire time i was. just this weird anxiety. trapping, or like, suffocating maybe.

it even affects my performance at work, because i get stunlocked on tasks i could easily do with no real effort or issue whatsoever, and i just pull an ostrich until i inevitably get in trouble. or i give myself a few good slaps and do it. even though it's not even hard. it was never hard. i just get overwhelmed and paralyzed completely. and nobody understands that. i even tried telling my boss that i felt paralyzed about a thing. he kinda just shrugged and then got pissed at me later when i'd made no progress on it. and then i spiraled that everyone would think i was a slacker. and i did everything else but that. they said i was "wasting my potential".

to make matters worse, i lost health insurance recently, so even now that i've identified this pattern, it's not like i could go anywhere and get any definitive answer about what it's about, or what i could do to fix it. i'm a science student who doesn't have that sort of time on my hands. and even if they had an answer for me--who's to say it would change anything at all? because it probably wouldn't.

even as i write this i think to myself, "am i coming off as someone who just wants to complain? do i seem like i just want to hear the sound of my own voice? do i just want to complain? do i just want to hear myself talk?". i genuinely don't know. i know those are things i would not like to be. but am i like that? who's to say? how would i know if i was? people who are like that never know that they are.

i have been feeling a bit down since i started trying to gain, worried, etc. it creeps back in. so i was just like "okay, i'mma look up some recovery motivation" and now i feel 10x worse. i'm gonna fuckin relapse again dude. at this rate. but rn i'm gonna go get a fish filet and if i do relapse, i can just relapse tomorrow or the next day. there's nothing that can't wait for tomorrow. just not today. 24 hrs at a time.

i hate making this post when i wasn't even UW or anything and it hasn't even been a consistent week. i got inspired and i've been eating in a moderate surplus and going to the gym a lot and trying to stay inspired and motivated, and not purge with lax or exercise or anything. but social media and people are making it pretty hard.

i mean even when i went to get chipotle today. i looked at the menu, and i saw "GLP-1 friendly" labelled foods. and i just thought about the GLP-1 craze and it kinda messed with me to know they're taking the exact same harm minimization/reduction approach as i would during my most active phases. like why is it okay when they do it.

i mean all of these people are losing weight. everyone is obsessed with losing weight. everyone on instagram and tiktok and everywhere. my boss, my friends, everyone in my classes. i overhear people making ana jokes and giggling. acting like they're the shit for losing some weight or whatever.

and meanwhile i'm sitting here trying really hard to shut those voices out and gain weight and it feels like i'm leaving some part of myself behind. it's barely been a week. i've been struggling all day with this.

i don't feel like i'm ever going to be happy with my body, and if i can't shut those voices out or i don't like how i look after i gain this muscle back, my backup plan is literally to starve again. because if i can't be happy anyways, i'll probably be happiest like that. or that's what i think to myself.

i really don't have anyone to talk to about this, because my family sucks and i don't wanna talk about it with my GF because i feel like she'll pick up on my bad habits. it's just genuinely fucking crazy that i want help so bad but i can never ask for it. i don't want to burden any of the friends that i do have. i don't think anyone else in my life really knows how bad it's been.

i put the TW because i always disliked and felt it was triggering when people were like "ugh, i can't finish all that" yada yada, right, i don't really want to do that. make no mistake, i AM eating my meals. even if it's hard sometimes.

i'm making ANOTHER attempt to do better, idk what number attempt we're on now. the amount of food i am eating feels like way too much. rationally i know it isn't though. i could eat like this before, and more.

i'm just so uncomfortably bloated, with really bad GI issues and super gassy all the time too, and it STINKS, and I STINK because i'm not showering as much. thirsty, sore, uncomfortable. even more sore because i've been returning to the gym to try to help me not mentally fear gaining weight (because i feel like if i'm at least doing something like exercising then it won't be bad for me). so it's the combo of this insane water retention that's got me puffy and makes my skin sore and underlying DOMS. like i hit a speedbump and all of my ribs and skin and everything just hurts.

it's not my first rodeo with symptoms like that. i guess i just want to complain about it. i just literally feel so gross all the time, physically. on top of just the mental barriers.

how long does it take for this to improve? will it improve or do you just get used to being this full? it's just really rough right now. i can’t tell if i’m overeating or not.

the other day, i ran into a chick i'd known was disordered because she was pretty open about it (and i was relapsing around the same time, we had discussions about it prior). we were kinda both on the struggle bus at the same time. she had gained some weight over the past year and looked healthy. which i know is not what you say, which is why i didn't say it. i meant "looks healthy" in only the best of ways.

but it gave me pause for a minute because i'm still stuck struggling. maybe not on paper, maybe not that low of a weight, but i just haven't progressed since then. i feel stuck. mentally, emotionally, i haven't developed as a person.

and here she'd completely changed. outgoing, surrounded by friends and people. and i was just there feeling like i didn't belong. i'm happy for her, don't get me wrong. very happy to see they're doing better, and i maybe avoided them a bit because i didn't want to drag them down here with me. i mean i know how it goes. if i can avoid being near them, that's probably better for them.

she had a bunch of friends around her, they were laughing and having a good time. and i just felt so terrible and out of place that i ended up just leaving early and going home.

i tried recovering a couple of times. it's just been a rough year for me. i just feel left behind.

i'm having this problem with my gf of a few months. "oh my god i feel so fat after eating XYZ", "i only had doritos for dinner", etc. i mean i didn't expressly say anything abt that but i told her i don't want to talk about weight or diets or anything like that plenty of times prior.

and by the way, why on earth if you figure it out, would you come to me and tell me how little you ate. why. why fucking me. go tell someone else maybe? idk.

it's really annoying because i've been lowkey trying (sort of, maybe, idk) to do better and it's just like... please can we talk about ANYTHING else

i don’t know if i should tw this but im going to.

i’ve been in bed all day since 7am just trying to sleep as much as possible. my room is a mess. no partners, no dates, no friends. i simultaneously hate my 14 year old esque body while also being mortified at gaining any actual weight (because i tried and i just relapsed worse within weeks every single time).

my life can’t even be normal. i have a few scary things and on top of that i have to try and figure out how im going to pay for college in uh. a few weeks because i took summer classes.

i could knock it all out but i haven’t i’ve just been laying here like a worthless sack of shit. and my family hates me, so i don’t even know if i want to text my mom happy mother’s day. because she’s just gonna use it as an excuse to talk shit about me somehow. and she’ll do it even worse if i don’t.

and needless to say i haven’t eaten anything because the pattern repeats itself and i don’t know anymore.

like at least if my mental health is going to be so bad, could i please at least just have everything else be relatively calm. like can i just get all this over with and just rot and self destruct and spiral in peace.

and i’m so cynical and vile. i hate everyone so much. i look at people and all i can see are the same sorts of people that hurt me. doing their virtue signaling, acting like they have a shred of a moral compass when they’d sooner drive a dagger into someone’s back than face a minor inconvenience themselves.

and there’s literally no escape from any of that because i’m an adult. nobody is coming to save me and i’m not going to ask for help. i’ve been conditioned not to. it was literally over before it even started. so why shouldn’t i just relapse? because it doesn’t even matter. i have absolutely no value as a human being beyond what i can do for other people. and i loathe the people asking the favors.