u/myceliumdreamer

My (F33) dad (M73) is... one of those people you meet and wonder if they're all there. Without getting too deep into it, he is a physically decrepit old man with undiagnosed NPD. When he was in college, he dropped acid 1-2x weekly for four straight years. You can imagine what type of effect that had on his mental processing. He has no concept of respect for others personal space. To give an example, The first time he visited us, he shaved in the living room. The first time he met my (now) husband, he was telling a story around the fire one evening and he peed like 10 feet behind him mid-story, without breaking stride.

I've gone back home a couple of times over the years to help him out, mainly after surgeries, and over the last 5 years or so he has habitualized peeing into bottles/jars. He keeps a bottle in his truck, he keeps a jar by his bedside, etc. The part that personally disgusts me about it is the fact that he doesn't clean it up afterward. He won't just use it once and then dispose of it- he'll keep the same bottle in his car until it's full. When I have gone to help him after surgeries, cleaning up his nightly piss jar was the job that hit my boundary limit. I tried getting him other options that fit the medical scope of peeing at bedside, like the toilets or the bags, but he won't use anything else than a quart mason jar or a power-aid bottle. And he's lazy about the cleanup.

I had forgotten about this more recent habit when he arrived last night for his second visit at our house (he lives on the west coast, we're in the Midwest). He's here for 10 days, staying in the guest bedroom downstairs, equipped with it's own bathroom. But as we were getting ready for bed and playing host, he asks me and Hubby for a mason jar to put by his bed, and I realize it's going to be his piss jar. His reasoning is that he's old and doesn't want to risk a fall by getting up several times a night to pee. Yes, he is old, and yes, he is physically limited, but if he can climb the stairs multiple times a day to go outside and smoke, he can get out of bed to use the bathroom. So, when he asks for a jar to put by his bed, my internal response was, "absolutely not. You can do that in your own home but not when you're visiting us."

I was in the process of forming the above response when Hubby, being the gracious host he is, gets him a jar and says no problem. Hubby responded just thinking that he was asking for a night time water glass. It wasn't until he had come back from upstairs and I'm sitting with my head in my hands that it clicks and he says, "wait, he's not using that as a piss jar, is he?!" I just gave him a defeated look and shrugged in confirmation.

Looking back, I realize the best thing would have been to immediately go downstairs and clarify/set the boundary. All I can say is that it was extremely late for me, and I was focused on my 6-month baby. His visit just started, but now that he sees it as he has 'gotten permission' to continue his disgusting habit in our home, I have no idea how to approach the situation. Hubby and I both had a really hard time last night thinking about him continuing his poor bathroom habits while he visits. I realize he doesn't mean it this way, but it feels disrespectful to our home and our space.

I am very new to the concept of implementing boundaries and only really started doing so in the last few years. It's especially difficult with my dad, as he really does have undiagnosed NPD (I tested him via conversation a few years back without him realizing it, and he scored high). It's hard to identify underneath all the kookiness at times, but it's absolutely there. And being very conflict-avoidant, I'm anxious about setting a hard negative tone right at the beginning of his visit, because it will make everything more difficult. I'm half tempted to just cut the loss on this one and deep clean the whole downstairs once he's gone, and mentally prepare to have a quicker response to boundary setting if anything else he does crosses a line while he's here.

Is there a way to tell him he needs to nix the jar while he's here and use the bathroom, even though he's already continued his gross habit during night one? Or do I cut my losses and prepare a boundary for any potentially more serious offenses?

Reposting with the correct symbol in the title.

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