Controversial Decision
Warning: This is going to be long, I will be giving a lot of context before sharing the controversial decision i make. I want views of people who are older than me and are more mature than me on this, this paragraphs will be emotionally charged as well. I am sorry if I sounded insensitive at times. I am going to share what I think, what my friends told me to do, and what I have decided to do. I will be referring to my ex as Ish in this
I just broke up with my fearful avoidant gf, on 4th Aug and she blocked me on 6th Aug. She had a very rough childhood and still has it rough at her home. I am not going to go in detail about it, but she's is a deeply traumatized individual who is scared of commitment, doesn't know how to deal with intimacy, and didn't choose to born in such a family and under such circumstances. She never had a father, her father left when she was born and the closest thing to her father figure her maternal grandfather died when she was very young. She has never seen and understood what a real family is like.
To me she's a really sweet girl. A kind, and amazing person who stands up for the people she considers important to her. A person who protects the close to her no matter what, a strong willed person. She is also my worst heart break, I have had 3 relationships till now and I am 18. And the first two were okayish, I was ready to leave them. But this one, I wanted this to work. This relationship I wanted it to work no matter the differences between us.
My female bsf was stalking Ish as she thought that her bf was cheating on her with Ish. In reality Ish had rejected my bsf's bf when he tried approaching her. That's when I had talked with Ish for the first time on call, as my female bsf had the genius idea of making a fake id on insta and act as a male to stalk Ish. And now we were supposed to talk on call. I decided to talk on call with her, and I am being honest I fell in love with her in that conversation with her. That call, was really fun. Her energy was just full of life and fun and she was soo talkative I just loved it. I pretended to be this fake guy for few days before revealing the truth against my bsf wishes. Ish wasn't happy at all, then we talked for few days as real people until I proposed to her on 20th September 2025. And we started dating.
We had our ups and downs, in the start I was naturally quite and a little distant, but her energy drew me in and I started opening upto her. By June 2026 Ish become my second home. It was like I had a home outside my real home, I loved spending time on video calls with her mother, and her neighbor kid whom she considered to be like a little brother to her. I loved talking with Aunty. Ish made me reconcile with my male bsf, whom I would have lost if it wasn't for Ish.
Ish made me wish my mother mother's day and made me gift her a handmade letter to her after years, she made me gift my mother on her btd as well. I had grown apart from my mother due to personal reasons. She made me reconcile with her.
Her avoidant attachment issues started appearing slowly since May and started becoming more clear by June and got really worse in July. I learned about her attachment issues in June. But I wasn't able to do much about it. She was breaking apart in the relationship and it was totally visible to me. I tried every way to help her but I failed. It was my own immaturity as well.
On July 20th we had our 10 month anniversary and talked about marriage that night, we talked for almost 3 hours. On 21st she asked for a breakup, it wasn't out of no where. It was building up, but she did ask for it. I somehow negotiated it down to a break(I know not an ideal thing to do). She broke up with me on 25th, then we got backtogether on 28th. She came back herself as she couldn't see me suffer. Then on 4th Aug after she had gone to college. She joined college this year. We were on video call and I was studying. She tried to tell me something but was hesitating so I asked her few time that what happened and then she finally told me what happened. That she doesn't feel anything, I understood what she meant. I tried to say how I don't expect any intimacy from her, then she said that 'Kabtak Rokoge mujhe?' [Translation: Till when will you stop me]. I knew that she was breaking apart in the relationship. So I broke up with her that day. We talked really nicely after that conversation, she was all nice and sweet with me. On 6th August I had scheduled a pickup of our 1 year anniversay gift which was supposed to be this 20th September. It was kitkats which she loves, a long letter, a hedwig harry potter keychain, a ring, a tulip bracelet and a dress which she wanted to buy but was too expensive for her.
I had paid and scheduled for the pickup before the break and she knew about it, I had told her about the gifts as well. But when she received the notification she wasn't happy at all about it, she said how 'she didn't ask me to do it'. I told her that just please receive it. I had to go to coaching so i didn't talk much and left the conversation. In the evening I decided to talk with her, she wasn't happy at all. On her social she was behaving as if the breakup didn't effect her, that hurt but understandable she just went to college and she's enjoying her life and avoidants feel a sense of relief after the breakup.
In the evening I went out and smoked a cigarette for the first time ever, idk myself why I did that but I think that i did that because Ish hates smoking and smokers. I won't do it again, I feel like if I do it again I will get addicted. I talked with her in the evening and she was in a bad mood and I told her how I smoked, I was just trying to tell her that please receive this gift. I had bought and packed it while thinking for her, before the breakup. It was scheduled and after this I won't even text or disturb her. We argued, and she blocked me. She talked about how it's the best for both of us, how she hopes that we can Reconnect in the future as friends. Some where after 21st July she had told me how she hoped that we could date again as our best selves, but this time she said as friends.
On 8th Aug I was in a depressed mood I was just calling her randomly, I knew that she had blocked me. I didn't expected for her to receive the notifications via truecaller and her to unblock me and pick up the call, we talked only for 3 minutes. She asked me to take care of myself, to eat properly, to not smoke etc. I told her how she has lost the right to say it anymore as she finished everything. I asked about how everything felt fine before the breakup, she replied how she knows how to fake. I asked how since when did she started to fake, since when did her ily's become fake. She didn't reply and she said that she is cutting the call. I said ya bye and cut the call myself. Her tone was harsh.
Since then I have not being in a good place. I have taken a drop year to study for next year's entrance examinations of my nation, for over a week I didn't went to the coaching or had a proper meal. Only day before yesterday I started going to the coaching and had a proper meal. The breakup hit me hard, and I cried a lot. I haven't personally cried this much in years. I used to cry but few tears. But this heart break have actually made me cry properly after years. It hit me hard.
I have fought with everyone over Ish, my friends and even Ish's friend whom i talk to. They all told me not to go back to Ish. My female bsf blocked me after listening to my controversial decision which I made today.
Ish was the same girl, who got to the depths of my heart which no one ever did. She is the same girl which made me feel like a child again, the same person with whom I forgot all of my insecurities. Ish is the same person I forgot fear for, the same person which made felt loved soo deeply I never felt loved that deeply. Ish is the same person who bought me minecraft, so that we could play together. Ish is the same person who apologised to me even when it wasn't her fault. Ish is the same person who bought the wallet which i am using right now and that wallet costs 500. For Ish that amount is a lot. The same person who bought me the bracelet which I am currently using. I know she loves me deeply. I am never going to give up on her just because others think that she abandoned me and that dating coaches think that I should move on and find another girl.
Ish's only family is her mother, other than her mother she has no real family. Her mother has cancer, and recently it got really worse. But now it's better, they are also selling their home to get money for treatment and to pay off debt and college fees for Ish. Even after all this she still choose to spend money on me knowing the fact that at month's end she will have to struggle for food. Her mother is a school teacher and earn merely about 30k, and trust me it's not a lot. I know this girl loves me dearly, no matter how much she lies about not loving me, she still cares deeply for me.
Ish didn't choose to be traumatised, to be born under such circumstances. It's not her fault, any person in her shoes would have attachment issues, would have commitment issues, would fear emotional intimacy.
On 14th and 15th August Ish using her fake account stalked my insta profile, I know that because I know about her fake account. I don't why she didn't try to hide it, but I know that she spent at least 30 minutes on my profile going through my reposts, reels which I posted since breakup, and my stories. They scream heartbreak and acceptance.
I know that Ish is lying about not really loving me as she has done this stuff before, to push me away. She has lied to push me away because she thinks that she cannot fit into my world. I am a much more family oriented traditional type of guy. And how she cannot fit into my world, she thinks that she's not the best person for me and tried to push me away, tried to hurt me by lying. But I always saw through those lies. Typical avoidant.
Today I made a decision, that I will never stop loving her no matter what. She was my second home. I don't care, even if she goes and date other people and comes back to me I will accept her. I have decided to work on myself, get my life together and then approach her after 10th September and before 20th September. As 20th September is our anniversary. I will ask her to talk with me on a call, I will tell her how I want to wait for her. How i am ready to wait, how I understand her, how I don't hate her, how I really want this with her and how I want her to wait for me. How I am studying hard to get a college 1 hour away from her college. How we will date when we are our best versions.
I am not letting a good relationship die because of our immaturity and trauma and stupid decisions. I am working towards my reactiveness, I am very reactive by nature. I am trying to fix my flaws and trying to study harder. I am writing this at 3am and at 12:30pm today I have a test in my coaching, I haven't studied anything. I will go and study now harder than ever for her, for myself, for us. I am going to make this work, I love her, i deeply love her, and I know that she loves me. I am hitting the gym, I am going to start eating properly. i have lost some weight, but it's okay. I will recover.
One of my closest friends told me to give up on her, how Ish is mentally unstable. How I have a bright future ahead of me, how I have a family, how I have a family, how I can easily find a better girl. But I never wanted better, I want Ish. I love what I have with Ish. She's an amazing person, she's talkative, friendly, lovely, interesting, the type to literally lit fire in your life, weird asf. The type you don't find easily. And I am not letting it go.
This is my controversial decision, against all odds. I would love to hear your guys thoughts on this. What else should I do? How stupid I am being? Please.