u/oddsetcircle292

Some difficulties aren’t as black and white as others.

For instance, I can technically go outside on my own. The being outside part isn’t necessarily a problem in and of itself besides agoraphobia and chronic illnesses making it physically strenuous.

But it’s still not easy, and I cannot really explain it in a way that makes sense to anyone it seems.

I can technically take public transport by myself. The problem is that I have a hard time understanding stops and stations, where I should wait, where my stops are and such. It’s pretty much a gamble every time whether or not I’ll be able to make it work and get to my destination without incident. Many times I have ended up on the wrong bus or train and gotten completely lost, without any way to get myself back where I came from.

I can walk alone in public, and in fact I do actually love spending time by myself in the city. But I have a hard time finding destinations I’m meant to go to, and I more often than not lose my way because I elope without meaning to.

I can technically manage these things myself, but they take so much cognitive effort to complete, and always require several days worth of planning in advance to decrease the odds of any issues, and even then it’s far from guaranteed. I need written instructions on hand to make sure I manage somewhat.

I didn’t think it was a problem in the past, and most people even today don’t see it as an issue. Because while I’m out with other people, their mere presence helps to keep me grounded, and they can help do the things I struggle with. And when alone… well, obviously they’re not there to see any problems that arise.

But regardless of all these things, I still can technically do it. I avoid doing it unless I absolutely must because of the severe toll it takes on me, but it’s still not completely impossible like some other limitations I have.

It’s kinda difficult to gauge how ’functioning’ you are at times for lack of a better word when it’s so inconsistent across the board. I also feel like I don’t want to admit that this is a weakness I have since I love being outside by myself so much. I love the alone time and I love the freedom… even if those things don’t always agree with me haha.

My municipality offers a guiding service, where you can schedule appointments with someone who guides you to and from destinations such as doctor’s appointments, hobby activities outside the house and such. I’ve been thinking about applying for it, cause it would make me much less reluctant and wary to leave the house if I felt that it was safer.

Still makes you feel like being inbetween. A limbo between either ’can’ and ’can’t’ as absolutes, and some days of course being better than others.

I feel like when something does work, even if barely, I doubt my disability… and when something doesn’t work, I doubt my own worth and value. Anyone who can relate to that feeling?

I fear that I’ll never heal from how they ruined me. I try to keep things at bay since I’m dependant on my parents due to multiple debilitating disabilities, and I know they deeply regret how things turned out and at least try to be supportive.

And sometimes I can believe it… today was such a good day. We went out, had lunch and laughed and talked for so long.

And then she told me she finally managed to get a referral to a good trauma therapist for my sibling. After 16 years of fighting she had finally managed she said.

And I just felt the ground sinking under me because why did she never do that for me? How dare she tell me about what dissociation is when I suffer from such long and debilitating dissociative episodes caused by her CPTSD and OCD that she still refuses to study up on.

She once told me that she never worried as much about me as my sibling because she felt I had a good head on my shoulder. I’m wise apparently. Yet I’m the only one who’s attempted suicide more than once of all her children. I guess she can’t have me dying lest she loses her best therapist lmao.

But worst of all is that I don’t even know why I’m surprised. She always ensures my siblings activities get done when they want them, and they offer them so much help with things that no one should reasonably offer, such as spending 12 hours on a last minute sewing project.

Meanwhile if I call, after she tells me I just have to let her know if I wanna do something, there’s always some reason for why it’s not a good day. Be it weather, or some other schedule. She can be spontaneous with everyone except for me it appears.

And if she forgets to invite me to things I explicitly say I want to do, she will way she didn’t know if I was awake or not. I may have my sleeping disorder, but would it hurt to just have asked? ”It wasn’t fun anyway so you didn’t miss much” well I sure missed out on feeling like something worth including but that doesn’t matter I suppose.

I’m alternating between such raging fury that I feel nauseous from the heart rate spiking and complete and utter apathy, but I know I won’t remember why I was upset later. Maybe it’s pointless to write any of this, but if nothing else I’ll have proof later for why it hurts so much right now.

I don’t know what flair is appropriate. But if I had to include a question, is it even possible to become someone who isn’t forever tainted by what your parents did to you? I don’t wanna lose hope but I don’t see how there is any other way to exist right this moment.

Hello! I want to ask for advice about a close friend whom I love dearly. I hope this is allowed, if there’s a better place for postint please let me know! I also want to warn about possibly upsetting language below. I only am quoting things I’ve been told for the sake of providing context.

To be clear, my friend is not diagnosed with anything, and that’s sort of the problem. Basically, they were in the process of attending therapy due to trauma, and to just generally figure out how to change certain self-destructive behaviours that impacts their life and relationships.

But when their therapist suggested potentially evaluating them for BPD, my friend abruptly stopped going, and has been wrecked ever since. They talked about how they refuse to be stuck with the ”abusive bitch disease” until they die just because doctors won’t take them seriously, and implied that they don’t believe it should be a diagnosis at all, reasoning that it’s ”just a way to demonize being mad about mistreatment”.

This was 2 years ago, and since they told me all those things, now they only bring it up whenever they spiral. Saying things such as ”I’m just an evil borderline bitch anyway according to doctors. I guess it’s just my destiny to make other peoples lives a living hell with my presence so I might as well kill myself. That way I’d finally make people happy for once.”

Now, I have known this friend for over a decade, and they themselves said that I probably know them better than most. I have seen the way some of their other relationships go up in flames, and how their behaviour turns frantic and erratic towards me in the wake of it.

An ex-partner of mine was diagnosed with BPD (only learned after we parted ways) so I recognize a lot of the same symptoms here, and thus agree with the therapist’s suggestion. 

We can have a good moment, and then suddenly in the blink of an eye they’ll accuse me of intending to abandon them like everyone else. They have a tendency to interpret me explaining things as me being too scared of them to tell them directly to their face that they’re, in their words, a ”triggered bitch”.

For example, I have poor health that makes me very drained some days, and when explaining to try and ensure they don’t interpret my tone as angry, they might imagine the reassurance itself as proof of it being the case. In those instances, they’ll become erratic, apologize profusely, but then sort of grow more angry and agitated the more they self deprecate about how unwanted they are.

To be blunt I do not take these things personally, as I know these are temporary outbursts. I am merely describing these things to provide a general overview of the symptoms I perceive to be there. They are nothing but the funniest and kindest person I have ever met otherwise, and we have a routine that usually works for us when things get heated and they doubt me.

They work extremely hard to try and self-regulate every time their mood shifts, and they always give me a chance to explain my intentions even when they struggle to trust me. I do not take this for granted and I appreciate the work they put in out of their love for me and our friendship. They put equal effort into helping me regulate when I break down from my own issues, so I don’t feel the amount or effort is uneven

But I also think this isn’t sustainable in the long run. Not because I intend to abandon them, but because I notice that this is taking a toll on them. I have been busy this past week due to RL stuff, as well as feeling under the weather due to a very dramatic and nasty break up, and thus I haven’t had as much time for anything social. I’ve noticed that the frequency of their breakdowns have increased noticeably as the days have gone by, even though we still check in daily.

Of course it’s not solely because of me, they’ve had a lot going on in their life as well… but they’ve been lashing out with me in a way they never have previously, and I worry that they’re getting even more burnt out from this.

I don’t think it’s wrong of them to come to me when they need it, but I feel like they might benefit from having other means of support on top of that. I have my own mental health and trauma issues, and again with my physical health as well, I’m not always the best equipped to know what to do in times of tension and stress even if I try my best.

I don’t want to feel like I have to walk around eggshells when it comes to my own needs and feelings just because of unrelated life stuff. And I especially don’t want our otherwise fantastic relationship to take a hit if we can at all prevent it.

I don’t want to force them, but is there any way for me to possibly nudge them towards considering giving therapy another chance? Regardless of any diagnosis, the aversion they have to the BPD label has made things trickier to talk about.

What can I do to approach this with kindness and understanding without compromising my own needs in the process? How firm should I be if sharing my concerns?

Has anyone here struggled to accept BPD before being diagnosed? I’d love to hear about your journey and what helped you through it!

Sorry for the wall of text, and thank you in advance!

It’s kind of mindblowing to me how much it adds to the enjoyment of the device for me. It’s just such a neat little feature! I love scanning other people’s QR codes and take photos of our tamas together, and send and receive gifts, and then to continue getting mail from the tamas you have invited afterwards.

And to be able to do all that without having to do in-person connection OR have wi-fi capability on the device itself!

It just brings a sense of life and community to the gameplay that I didn’t expect to enjoy so much. And since I accidentally found batteries that last for weeks even with extensive camera usage, I can scan away without holding back! 🫣❤️

Don’t know whether this is a popular opinion or not though so whether you agree or disagree, feel free to share if you’d like!

(Unrelated sidenote, but does anyone know any shells and/or good carrying cases for the Pix? Or are ones intended for other models also fine to use?)

I have friends, or I think I do at least. Not many but better than nothing I thought.

But I feel like I keep being reminded that people overall just prefer it if I’m not involved.

Like, just now a friend told me about how they and another mutual friend of ours joined a group for an activity. It’s something they know I’m interested in as well, so why didn’t they ask me if I wanted to come as well?

And then I feel selfish because it’s not like I’d have been able to anyway probably, what with my limitations being too great… but it would have been nice to feel like they at least wanted to ask, you know?

My partner never hangs out with me anymore after they got a new best friend, and I’m lucky if they even respond to me it feels like. My family keeps planning things on short notice despite me telling them I need it to be planned to join, assuming they even ask in the first place which they often don’t. They tell me they’re flexible so long as I make the effort to plan it, but the reason I stopped was because they coincidentally never had time when I asked.

And they always say next time I should join, but there’s never any accommodations made so that I’ll be able to. Often I just find out later that they go and do something I explicitly said I wanted to on multiple occasions without informing me, and then acting surprised when I tell them I feel left out.

At this point I’d rather they told me I’m unlikeable and that they hate having me around, so that I’d at least stop getting so disappointed over and over again.

I don’t understand why I never learn though. Can’t it at least stop hurting so much every time? I’m so reliant on other people for my survival. I don’t know how I’m going to manage if this is how things are going to be.