u/omoril0ver

This is how it started.
I was walking down the hallway with my friend when I saw her. She had a little pin from a game I really liked, and for some reason, seeing it made me feel almost high. It felt like I was floating. I wanted to talk to her, but I was scared I’d come across as weird, so for the next two months I kept “accidentally” walking past her in the hallways, the cafeteria, and other places around school.

She never even looked at me. She seemed really shy, and I never saw her talking to anyone.
The closest interaction I ever had with her was when I walked up to her and said, “I really liked your outfit yesterday.” She just looked at me, nodded, and I walked away. I felt awful afterward. I was so embarrassed. But even after that, I kept walking past her, hoping that maybe one day I’d finally be able to actually talk to her..

Things started getting worse when I realized that every day, I would wake up and fall asleep thinking the same thing: “She’s perfect.” I couldn’t get her out of my head, and eventually I realized it was becoming a problem. For the next two months, I tried to stop thinking about her. I realized I was projecting a lot onto her, so I stopped looking at her, stopped daydreaming about her, and tried to distance myself from the whole thing.

For a while, I felt better. I found a new hobby and almost stopped thinking about her completely. But about a month later - around five months after I first saw her - it all came back. The thoughts, the “accidental” run-ins, the daydreaming. I think by that point she probably knew I liked her, but she never said anything. I kept trying to stop myself from thinking about her and looking at her, but I couldn’t.
This went on for about three more months. Every day, I blamed myself for it, but I still couldn’t stop. It felt like a full blown addiction.

Then, about three weeks before the school year ended, I decided I was going to try to talk to her and make some small talk. While I was preparing myself to do it, I suddenly stopped obsessing over her. I thought maybe my brain had finally started facing reality, and that once I actually talked to her, the obsession would go away.

I got very close to doing it, but I still couldn’t. Every time I got near her, I would panic so badly that I almost fainted once. It felt terrible. I couldn’t talk to her, but I also couldn’t stop obsessing over her.
Then, when our school yearbooks came out, I found her name and her Instagram. When I finally saw her picture and learned her name, I got that same “high” feeling again. It wasnt as intense as the first time, but it was still pretty strong.

When the school year ended, I thought things would get better because I would probably never see her again. But I was wrong. I still can’t stop thinking about her. I know there’s basically no chance we’ll ever interact with each other, but she’s still stuck in my head.

And at some point, I realized it wasn’t really about her anymore. She had turned into this image in my mind that I kept chasing. For example, whenever I see a girl with a similar outfit or style, I feel this strong urge to approach her and talk to her, but I can’t.

I don’t know what to do. It’s been two months since I stopped checking her instagram and daydreaming about her, but she’s still in my head. It’s been 10 months, I just want it to stop!!!!!

TL;DR: I’m a weirdo who got obsessed with a girl who barely even knows I exist.

I don’t watch no television,
I don’t care what’s on the news.
I’m not into religion,
I’m not following their rules.

I don’t take antidepressants,
I don’t want to numb my brain.
I am just a tiny essence,
I Am Citizen Insane.