u/pectuslady

Post inspired by a r/coastfire post that’s since been deleted. Looking for a life partner, ideally someone else on the FIRE journey!

Never married, no kids, don’t want kids.

500k NW / $315k actual retirement, saving/investments. The rest is home equity.

Original post from 4 months ago

Sharing my story from a few months ago and the current numbers. I never imagined I’d be in this position when I was younger. It’s possible people!

Made about $7500 in contributions over the last 4 months across all retirement accounts excluding brokerage and saw balances increase by $30k (includes contributions)

Target is $1.25million @ 50 to retire on about $45-50k yearly spend.

Current financials:

Yearly salary before tax: $100-110k
IRS-max contributions to 401k/HSA/Roth IRA
No current brokerage contributions (will change when debt is paid)

Balances:
401k: $121k
Brokerage: $138k
Roth IRA: $53.5k
HSA: $8.1k
Random crypto: $2.5K
HYSA: $2k

Student loans: $5.5k @ 3.4%
Mortgage: $61.4k @ 2.75%
Medical debt: $7.4k @ 0%

I went on a group trip with three friends (Bob, Jen, and Maya). We were sharing an Airbnb, and my bedroom shared a wall with Bob and Jen’s.

On our first morning, Bob and Jen had FIVE alarms go off over 90 minutes: 5:00, 5:30, 5:50, 6:00, and 6:30 AM.

After the third alarm, I texted: “y’all please turn off your alarms” w a crying face emoji, trying to keep it a bit light.

When the 6 AM alarm went off, I texted: “TURN OFF THE ALARMS PLEASE GOD PLEASE”

Then another went off at 6:30. At that point I got up pissed. My first words to Jen were, “Good morning! Who do I have beef with?” I was trying to make it somewhat lighthearted, but I’ll be fair: I was angry and my tone wasn’t great. I didn’t yell or scream, but I definitely came in hot.

I still think the alarms were incredibly inconsiderate. I had even mentioned the night before that I was setting my alarm for 8:30, and they never mentioned needing to be up at 5. Their explanation was basically that it was Friday and they normally work. Neither apologized.

During the argument, Bob made a fake snoring gesture while I was talking, like he was bored. Afterward, Jen became noticeably cold/passive-aggressive with me: one-word answers, ignoring me while talking normally to Maya, backing out of group activities, and taking a separate car with Bob even though there was no logistical reason to.

Later that same day, I directly asked Jen, “Hey, are we good?” She said yes and said her stomach hurt. I asked if it was from lunch and she didn’t respond. I took her at her word and stopped pushing.

But the weird behavior continued for the rest of the trip. Maya even privately commented that Jen’s vibe toward me seemed off and said she’d check in with her afterward. She never relayed anything back to me.

Now Bob, Jen, and I already have plans for another event soon, and I don’t know what to do. Part of me feels like I should reach out because I started the confrontation and I know I came in hot. But I’m resentful of having to be the one to repair things when I already tried to address it directly and Jen told me we were fine.

I don’t want to chase someone down after they tell me everything is fine while acting like it clearly isn’t.

AITA for not reaching out again and feeling like the ball is in her court? And was I the asshole in the original alarm situation because of how I handled it?

I used Polaron for a free consultation. They say I’m not, and I’m wondering if y’all agree. Or could I go for Poland on some loophole now that borders have changed?

TLDR: G0 grandmother had some kids before and some after naturalization. G1 mother is after, so I’m not eligible(?). Meanwhile other cousins are because their fathers were born pre-naturalization

G0: Grandmother
Born 1936 in Breslau (now Wroclaw, Poland)
Emigrated to USA 1951
Married American grandfather 1954
Naturalized 1960

G1: Mother
Born 1968, USA

G1: Uncles
5 total, some born before and some after 1960.

It’s so overwhelming to even think about how to encapsulate this in a single post, other than I was broken up with for the fifth and final time by my partner of 3 1/2 years.

To provide some context on the following, we both came from pretty abusive traumatic upbringing. I have done years of therapy and have come a long way in my healing process. He has only just begun his process in the last year to two and has not been consistent or dedicated other than the last month. I had previous addictions with cannabis use and binge drinking but have been sober from cannabis since 2021 and alcohol when I met him in 2022. He has struggled with alcoholism since he was a young teenager and has only been sober for very short bouts. He was actually only a week sober when we met on the dating app, which I didn’t find out until after the fact all of that to say we both bring a lot of shit into our relationship.

We had a wonderful relationship in many aspects, nearly all aspects, but there was one key sticking point we could never figure out - 99% of the time when I brought up a complaint or difficult emotion about our relationship or him or even a general insecurity or fear, I was always met with defensiveness, coldness, and a near outright refusal of providing any reassurance, empathy, compassion, comfort, or love.

Last night, we had a wonderful evening and upon returning home, a small blip brought up some difficult demotions inside of me. I sat with them for a few minutes and decided to bring it up calmly, without accusations, “I” statements, defining that this was a fear and not something that was actually happening. And yet, the same cycle repeated until we fought for hours, and he ultimately left my home instead of sleeping over as we had intended, making me feel abandoned in the end like I had many times in the past when this happened.

I allowed him to reach out today, allowing him the opportunity to try and repair with me while holding the firm boundary I’ve ever held in my life in a romantic relationship that I was not gonna tolerate this another time. That I had already tolerated it many times, that it had led to so much stress in our relationship to him ending the relationship multiple times in the past over the same issue, not getting resolved.

And when he did finally reach out, it just evolved into another fight, neither of us willing to budge. But I did stand my ground that I feel like his emotional immaturity and defensiveness is what’s causing the majority of our upset because he will just never receive me emotionally when I am vulnerable scared upset, or hurt. So he said “I can’t give you what you need, bye”. And hung up the FaceTime. Just like that, over.

It’s a shame because there’s so many qualities about this man that I love, but I feel secure in the fact that this is a dealbreaker for me, it’s a need and not to want, and I’m not willing to continue without feeling like I can have a partner to turn to with my deepest, darkest emotions and fears.

Here’s the turning 40 this summer and being single and starting over 🥲 fucking hell.

39F who grew up with working-poor family, on Medicaid, food stamps, food banks, the whole thing.

Moved out of a toxic household at 18 and riddled myself with student loans to make it out alive. Had luck with purchasing my first home in 2013 that I sold in 2022 for a large gain. Bought a small house I’ll have paid off by 50.

Didn’t start properly investing in 401k/Roth until maybe 6-7 years ago or so. Made $60k under for the majority of my working years, only made it above that in the last few years.

Goal is to have all medical and student loan debt paid off by April 2027.

I’m turning 40 this year, which is wild to even digest, but I finally feel peace. The poverty anxiety is finally dissipating.

Current financials:

Yearly salary before tax: $100k
IRS-max contributions to 401k/HSA/Roth IRA
No current brokerage contributions (will change when debt is paid)

Balances:
401k: $109k
Brokerage: $134k
Roth IRA: $49k
HSA: $6.3k
Random crypto: $3.2K
HYSA: $2k

Student loans: $12.3k @ 3.85%
Mortgage: $63k @ 2.75%
Medical debt: $7k @ 0%