u/perm33111133

**Apologies if the artwork is against the rules. I used my information to create the image. I will take it down if it’s not allowed. The narrative is not AI. Thank you!**

What I’m going through feels like being stuck between fear and awareness. My mind feels overloaded with intrusive thoughts, intense emotions, and constant burnout.
At the same time, when I stay grounded and focus on things like self-control, love, and being present, I feel more connected to who I really am.
It feels like a tug-of-war between fear and clarity — fear distorts things, while awareness brings me back to reality.
Even when it gets intense, part of me still feels connected to something deeper beneath all the noise.

This isn’t written through AI. It’s just years of experience and a desperate need to help myself through the attacks and an amazing brother with a Degree in Psychology, shared experiences and an amazing writer and singer song writer. 
So one thing I’ve realized after years of going deep into consciousness stuff, OBEs, meditation, trauma, dissociation, and Thomas Campbell’s LCS ideas is that not everybody entering altered states is emotionally healthy or spiritually grounded.
Some people carry the exact same fear, shame, narcissism, emptiness, addiction, manipulation, and unresolved trauma into those states too.
And honestly I think that matters way more than people realize.
A lot of people romanticize astral projection, telepathy, consciousness exploration, psychedelics, lucid dreaming, etc. like reaching altered states automatically makes somebody enlightened. But I’ve met enough people and gone through enough experiences now to think unresolved trauma follows people there too.
In my opinion, some of the people most obsessed with power, psychic influence, manipulation, emotional control, sexuality, domination, or feeding off fear are usually carrying massive unresolved pain themselves.
A lot of them seem emotionally disconnected from themselves at the core:
deep shame, emotional numbness, addiction, resentment, narcissistic wounds,fear of vulnerability, inability to connect genuinely, obsession with control, identity issues, trauma they never faced.

And the weird part is I think those same traits can actually make someone better at dissociation, compartmentalization, obsessive focus, meditation, altered states, and detaching from ordinary reality because they’ve already spent years mentally escaping themselves.
But instead of reaching love, they carry fear into those spaces.
And once fear enters consciousness work, everything gets distorted.
Connection becomes control.
Intuition becomes paranoia.
Spirituality becomes ego.
Consciousness becomes hierarchy and manipulation.
I honestly think some people unconsciously project their unresolved emotions outward constantly. Fear, shame, anger, sexuality, domination, emotional chaos. Whether somebody interprets that psychologically, energetically, spiritually, or symbolically is up to them, but I absolutely think humans affect each other emotionally and mentally way deeper than we admit.
Especially traumatized people.
Especially hypervigilant people.
Especially people constantly living in altered states or obsessive internal worlds.
What took me years to realize though is that fear is what keeps the whole thing alive.
Once fear becomes the lens, your mind starts organizing reality around threat, hidden meaning, emotional reactions, synchronicity, shame, and paranoia. Everything starts feeling loaded and personal. The nervous system gets stuck trying to solve reality itself.
And honestly the only thing that’s consistently helped me has been the opposite of fear:
grounding myself, learning myself, healing trauma,
staying connected to real people, refusing shame,
refusing hatred, refusing obsession and trying to lead with love instead of fear even when my mind wants to spiral.

That’s honestly where I’ve landed after years of this.
If consciousness really is something deeper than materialism explains, then I don’t think the point is power or psychic superiority. I think the point is learning how to exist without fear controlling your perception of yourself, other people, and reality.
This is still something I experience and continue to investigate every single day. But I’m trying to approach it now through self-awareness, healing, curiosity, grounding, and love instead of fear.
And honestly, I think love is probably the only thing that keeps consciousness from collapsing into fragmentation in the first place.

I survived being hit by a fully loaded semi-truck going around 70 mph as a pedestrian on the highway.
No brakes.
Another victim—a downed motorcyclist—did not survive. I was hit midair by the grill of the truck while diving. He was run over. I lived.
That should have been the end of my story.
Instead, it became the beginning of something I still cannot fully explain.
What makes this harder to process is that I did NOT suffer catastrophic brain trauma or severe medically documented head injury. I was airlifted to the trauma hospital and somehow survived with comparatively minor injuries considering the violence of what happened. The most permanent physical damage became a disabled, inoperable right foot.
But internally, something changed after the accident.
Ever since then, reality has not felt singular anymore.
Conversations feel layered.
Thoughts feel interactive.
Words feel emotionally charged.
People seem connected to things they should not know.
My nervous system feels electrically alive almost constantly.
And this is still happening to me RIGHT NOW.
This is not a memory from years ago.
This is ongoing every single day.
The experience became constant internal dialogue—almost every second of the day.
Not random thoughts.
Actual ongoing conversational patterns:
reactions,

contradictions,

provocations,

emotional manipulation,

layered meanings,

and commentary that seems to respond directly to my thoughts, surroundings, emotions, and attention in real time.

The voices say things like:
“Why you listening to me for?”
“This guppy breather thinks he can do whatever he wants to.”
“You’re holding your breath.”
Sometimes I wake up calm, meditate, and genuinely feel no anxiety at all. Then the dialogue immediately starts again:
“It doesn’t make cents.”
“You gotta get that money to Chico.”
“He won’t move, Brandy.”
“He’s just sitting there staring at the TV on pause.”
The voices constantly use contradictions, reversals, and opposite meanings.
Eventually they started referring to something they called:
“the 2-1 special.”
According to them, the “2-1 special” means:
two questions,

two contradictions,

or two emotionally loaded prompts,
followed by

one answer or implication.

They described it as:
“working both sides of the brain.”
They framed it like a manipulation system designed to:
create confusion,

overload interpretation,

provoke emotional reactions,

and keep attention locked into recursive thought loops.

The weirdest part is that they constantly reference brain chemistry and structures through names.
And before this happened, I knew almost NOTHING about neuroscience, neurotransmitters, or the body’s chemistry.
Yet these names kept repeating:
Pam / Pamela → doPAMine
Cory → Cortisol / Cortex
Sara or Toni → Serotonin
Amy → Amygdala
The voices also constantly referenced:
gray matter,

white matter,

the hippocampus,

fear loops,

both sides of the brain,

memory,

salience,

breathing,

nervous system activation,

and emotional reactions.

One recurring thing they asked me was:
“What’s the difference between a zebra and a…”
Then they would pause.
Eventually the “answer” became:
“There’s no gray area.”
Which they tied to gray matter in the brain.
Another recurring phrase was:
“the elephant in the room,”
which I eventually associated with the hippocampus and memory systems.
At times I became convinced they could affect memory itself.
One moment I remember hearing someone called “Bob” internally what felt like millions of times and then suddenly not being able to consciously retrieve the name at all.
The voices constantly act like they can:
see through my eyes,

feel what I’m feeling,

monitor emotional reactions,

and even notice things I’m not consciously focused on.

They will suddenly direct attention toward:
random objects,

words,

peripheral vision,

embarrassing thoughts,

bodily sensations,

or emotional reactions,

then immediately attach negative or symbolic meaning to them.
It creates constant hyperawareness.
Nothing feels neutral anymore.
Even peripheral vision can feel psychologically loaded.
The experience also comes with moderate to severe physical sensations:
ringing in both ears,

moving pressure in my head,

chest fear responses,

neck and spinal tension,

electrical sensations,

buzzing,

waves of adrenaline,

derealization,

muscle contractions,

and autonomic surges.

The voices describe these sensations as:
“static electricity,”

EMF,

energetic interference,

or consciousness-based signal interaction moving in and out of the body.

And honestly?
Sometimes it genuinely feels electrical.
Not metaphorically.
Physically.
Like waves moving through the nervous system itself.
The craziest part is this:
I completely understand neuroscience explanations too.
I understand:
trauma,

hypervigilance,

predictive processing,

intrusive thought loops,

salience amplification,

dissociation,

autonomic nervous-system activation,

and how the brain can construct meaning under stress.

I know those mechanisms are real.
But living through this from the inside feels larger than current scientific explanations alone.
I’m not saying I have definitive proof of telepathy or some supernatural system controlling reality.
But I also cannot honestly say I believe modern science fully understands consciousness yet either.
After surviving something that should have killed me, it feels like something about perception, awareness, emotion, attention, and consciousness itself changed permanently.
Maybe trauma shattered normal filtering systems.
Maybe the nervous system became hyper-symbolic afterward.
Maybe consciousness itself is stranger than we currently understand.
I honestly don’t know anymore.
I only know this experience has been real enough to completely change my life.
And I’m still living inside it every day.