u/petitscoeurs

i am on, no joke, my third migraine in two weeks. the day i made my appointment was the second - and last - day i unknowingly had in-between migraines two and three. i was really hoping last night it'd be totally gone by today but unfortunately it wasn't. i still woke up with a bit of a head + neck ache.

so, i took some tylenol with breakfast and went anyway :D

the hair stylist(?) was so so nice and i finally got my hair cut the way i've been wanting it cut for years. the woman i was seeing before is my mom's hair stylist and she's older so i think she didn't know how to do a haircut like i was wanting. but this woman was amazing and even gave me a hug after and told me it was so nice to meet me :')

basically it went perfectly! i panicked a little at a couple points but it was very quick and i just sat through it and kept talking :D really proud of myself, and i am going to make sure i go back regularly for bang trims since she only charges $12 for them!!!

it is only 5 minutes away from my house - which surprised me, i had no idea there was a salon so close to me - but i am going BY MYSELF! my mom taught me how to do the math for a tip on my phone's calculator (i have dyscalculia) and i am just really excited. i haven't had my hair cut in a long time, i think half a year or so, and it's gotten really long which i do not enjoy much.

i looked the place up beforehand and made my appointment with someone who seems really cool so i am hopeful it will be nice :) i do not like getting my hair washed usually cause of sensory stuff + i have A Lot of hair so getting it dried takes A LONG TIME but i'm gonna bring my loop earplugs so that i do not get overwhelmed and so i also do not have an excuse to skip getting my hair washed to "save time" ^_^

had doctor's appointment. less than 10 mins from house. went to it. ended up going home afterwards. sat in the driveway. i'd packed old video games into a bag and had initially planned on going to a new place (scary), vintage gaming shop where i could sell them.

friend convinced me to go. i talked on the phone with them the way there. it was easy. 10 minutes too, done, made $70 - would've been $80 but i grabbed a power cord for my psx since i've lost my original one.

the way back, ohhh. oh my. my phone took me an entirely different way. 10 minutes turned into 20, i had to drive on a state road with four lanes, and that's when i felt my body tensing up in a familiar way. panic attack!

i couldn't handlde the main roads any longer and took a bunch of twisting & turning back roads home. had to stop at one point because i felt so awful, just full of panic and adrenaline, felt like i was about to simultaneously shit myself and vomit all over myself. just sat for a minute, called my dad. could barely talk. somehow made it home.

but hey! i did it! i may be completely dead for the rest of the day - my body genuinely Hurts - but i did it. and i made $70. haha... yippee...

hi. i am trying to avoid rule 6 so i am just going to be as concise as possible!

i have severe dyscalculia. essentially i'm at an elementary school level of math. i have been in remedial classes since the 6th grade through high school, barely passed my GED, and took more remedial classes in college. does not stick, does not make sense, etc. tutoring, self-studying, one-on-one sessions with professors and teachers, nothing. i promise i have tried literally everything to get better at math. i also have autism and ADHD.

my interests are medicine, the human body, and my Special Interest[tm] is babies of all species. (the latter extends into things like pregnancy + birth, and actually the age range is more like infancy to pre-adolesence. i basically just know A LOT about all of that. people have said i am like a walking dictionary for babies lol)

my ADHD can't be treated by medication due to heart problems. my problems in college have been motivation-based because of this i think, because i was pursuing degrees and future lines of work i didn't actually have any interest in, or at least not enough. had to drop out when my GPA got really bad.

is there anything out there for me that anyone can think of? i'm kind of at a loss. jobs i've already looked into and definitely cannot do:

• doctor (which is sad because working in pediatrics is my dream & this is perhaps the most perfect job IF i didn't have to do so much math)
• veterinarian (similarly would be a dream of mine)
• nurse & later nurse-midwife or DNP (physical health problems, math is also really necessary)
• vet technician (see above)
• CNA (see above)
• other medical jobs like x-ray technician, sonographer, etc - they all have high math and GPA requirements around me, i wouldn't get accepted into the programs i don't think (plus, see above! sigh)
• daycare / early childhood education (see above!!! less-so math but the physical health problems; i don't think my immune system would like a daycare or preschool)

right now i am going back to college and intending to get into medical coding/billing. but i have thought about psychology maybe? i just worry it's very over-saturated. being a child life specialist in a hospital would be really neat to me, or working in therapy/diagnostics, i am not sure??

but if anyone has other ideas, i would really appreciate them...

thank you in advance to anyone who might be able to suggest anything :)

i have severe dyscalculia and i have tried so hard for so long. remedial classes and one-on-one help from techers or tutors, self-studying, everything and everything i am not even kidding. basic algebra i understand a little because it's more systematic , pemdas is like the only thing that really makes sense to me even if i mess it up a lot. but i can't understand percentages or fractions at all, or negative/positive numbers, or distances and shapes and things like that. i can't do quick math at all; i'm so slow. i have to count on my fingers or use a calculator cause i always mess things up otherwise. it took me so long to memorize times tables as a kid and even still i don't actually know all of them, and of the ones i do know well i can really only reliably go up to 10. like i cannot express enough how many times people have tried teaching me how to do fractions and all of them are so shocked it never makes sense to me which makes it even worse

i just hate feeling so stupid. everyone always says if you are autistic and/or have adhd, you should work in a career that follows your interests and passions. well my special interest is babies - all species, not just human babies or a specific kind of animal. i wanted to be a doctor so i could work in pediatrics, i did so much research into pre-med and med school and it is all SO achievable for me Except For Math. i can't be a veterinarian for the same reason. can't be a nurse or nurse midwife. maybe i could be a vet tech, i don't know how much math they need, but the working conditions and pay are both really bad. i have physical health problems that would prevent me from working in things like nursing or as a vet tech, heck even as a sonographer or radiographer who just works at a pediatric hospital, so even though the math requirements aren't AS intense as something like for doctors/veterinarians, if my dyscalculia wasn't so severe i still wouldn't be able to do them anyway!!!!!

but then those physical health problems prevent me from working at a daycare or something like. that too.

i'm going back to school to do medical billing/coding but it's just really sad because i think so much about how i want to do MORE but i'm stuck doing this since there is no real way i can follow my passion without being able to do math. it doesn't matter if i could excel at everything else, if i can't do math in my head or on paper and remember a bunch of equations and things like that, i'm just doomed.

i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it so much. i hate being so dumb. i hate that i couldn't have an interest in something better for me and i wish i could just FUCKING DO MATH

my mom is verbally and emotionally abusive to me and has been for a majority of my life. it started around middle school and has gotten progressively worse over the years. it is the worst it has ever been now that i am disabled and dependent on my parents as an adult. i had to move back in with them officially in 2022 because of agoraphobia and panic attacks and physical health issues, as well as really bad autism burnout that really affected my support needs.

i dont know how to succinctly explain the background without it being super long, so please just know the reason we are in therapy is because she blew up at me one day in the worst shes ever been, yelled in my face and blocked me in my bathroom against the counter so i couldn't get out. after a long and really stressful talk that night she said she would look for a family therapist because she reocgnized she treated me with double standards and loses her temper on me. she looked one day only and then gave up without telling me for months. when i said i would find one, miracuolusly her own personal therapist said she would see us "under the table".

i was really uncomfortable with this because my mom verbatim said to me at one point that she has "told her therapist all about you and us and she said there was nothing that could be done". when i pointed out how biased her stories about me probably were, she agreed with that.

but now my problem is that none of this feels good or helpful. and i think the therapist is actually really biased even though shes promised me she isnt. the sessions focus a lot on me and the way i act but very little is said about my mom. a lot of her behavior is glossed over by both her and the therapist as her "caring" about me and feeling stressed. multiple times the therapist has said if her kids were doing badly like i was with my health issues, she would also be concerned and try to help them. but my mom doesnt help, she just gets angry or passive aggressive or outright aggressive.

one entire past session was spent on me and my adhd for instance. because i am forgetful and struggle with getting things done. i got a lot of conflicting advice from her, at one point she told me to set reminders and mark things on my calendar, and i told her i already do that, and then she said maybe i'm making too many! i need to stop making so many because that can do the opposite of godo! and this was all framed as so bad because me forgetting things stresses my mom out and causes her to yell at me. so if i do this she will stop yelling at me.

i have said time and time again in many appointments now that just because she might be stressed out, that shouldn't give her the right to treat me like this. but this is always brushed over and then the onus of managing HER anger is put on ME. and also there is this problem where the therapist will constantly correct me to say that i "feel" like she is being mean, or i am "interpreting" what she is doing as passive-aggressive, when this is not at all the case. i keep trying to tell her this is a pattern that has been going on since i was a kid. i am not imagining the way she treats me. and my mom is able to dodge responsibility for this cause i'm just "interpreting" it wrong.

this appointment today was really the worst one yet though and is why i'm making this post. everything above happened today too. i started off the session by saying that i do not want to continue these sessions if my mom isnt going to put in the same effort i am expected to. and she got so mad and cut in saying she doesn't want to do this anymore either! she gives up! which upset me because i'm not saying i want to give up entirely, i literally just want her to work on her anger like she promised. but these things haven't changed. so then it comes to me interpreting it wrong and my mom saying she HAS changed, but when i ask for examples she cant give any, so then she starts blaming me for different things and the therapist focuses in on this as always.

my mom lied in the most absurd way ever, cause i said at one point we were doing these due to her treatment of me and her anger issues, so i didn't understand why so much focus was being put on me when all i want is for us to communicate better and for her to act kindly. she said this was never the case, and i reminded her of what happened, i had to read out a text SHE sent me to make her stop trying to lie! right there in the session! when the therapist has known about this from the beginning too, and not even she tried to call it out!!! it was all on me!

i also said in this appointment that it felt very strange how this therapist is the only one ive ever had who has not said the word abuse, and that i felt like dancing around that will let her dodge what she is doing. i said that my own therapists have told me i probably have c-ptsd or am otherwise trauamtized for the way she treats me.i also explained AGAIN that this is a problem we've had most of my life, we've been in therapy so many times for this, and it never changes. and the therapist said to me later that i have to "learn how to manage my reactions to the way she treats me, if i am having c-ptsd over it". she asked me why i'm scared of my mom and what the c-ptsd was even for too, and she seemed really dismissive of it all.

im sorry this is really disjointed and long. there is so much that has happened and im not sure what to share so i tried to share big things that seemed most important. but every appointment has led to me feeling sick all day after, and every appointment we keep going in circles cause i refuse to budge on how i feel and my mom will not take repsonsibility after acknowledging what shes done to me in private. we are "taking a break" from family therapy right now,. my mom is going to see her alone for a bit and i just feel so gross wondering about hwat they will say about me.

i dont know if this stuffi s normal. iven ever had family therapy like this before as an adult, only as a kid. but back then they never said stuff like this. nothing about how im interpreting it or feeling it, they just acknowledged she ws treating me badly but back then i couldnt do anything about it except deal with it cause i was a kid and wasnt being physically abused.

my dad is really good though i am safe wit hhim. he keeps wanting to talk to the therapist himself but i dont know if he can, and also my mom KEEPS framing him as a bad guy, and acting like me and my dad are "picking a side" against her... i dont know if shes doing this to make the therapist not trust him.. ? but it is so hard to manage al lthis. i dont know if this is normal or bad and if i should report it. it feels very not normal to me though

i feel really dumb about this because thisis the second time this year i damaged something really important to me cause of water. yestreday i knocked my nintendo switch and the stand charger i got fror christmas last year into the bath when i was getting my towel to get out and i had a meltdown about it yesterday. i feel so awful even still like i keep crying and if i stop distracting myself i will immediatel start thinking about it again.

i have no high hopes for it to be ok but im trying to wait at least 48 hours before i try to trun it on again. but the problem is that i dont have the money to fix it and my dad is mad at me about this one so i dont think they will fix it. and they shouldnt have to cause it was my fault. i just never had any problem before. i put my switch on a safe place. there is a corner in my bathtub where it can sit properly and since it was on the stand it was extra sturdy there. but somehow the CORNER of the towel was so strong it knocked the entire thing into my bath .

ive had my nintend oswitch for so long, it was an unpatched v1 i bought it in 2017 and i just hacked it a few months ago. iwas so proud and happy. and all ive been playing on it since last month is tomodachi life. i had four islands i was taking good care of and making lots of progress in and now im so scared its all gone. my animal crossing island and my othe saves for other games are probably gone too.

i keep cryign on and off. this thing was a really important comfort item for me and i cant afford to get a new one cause i dont have a job and my abusve mom wouldnt help take me to get paperwork signed so i could sign up for my summer classes and finally get fafsa/pell grant money.

everything just feels really awufl right now and i dont know how to stop thinking about all of this. i dont wanna kee p crying i feel so sick and bad and i want to not feel so sad

my special interest is babies (to tl;dr it anyway) . imade a thread a month or so ago i think? to provide facts about babies of any species.

um btu just. a little while ago i knocked m y nintendo switch. into the bath. and im eally sad about it. i had a meltsown already. so i am watching a documentary about baby naimals and i would like to think about them more so i stop crying, soplease tell me your favorites so i can send pictures :)

edit: hi everyone i am a lot calmer now and sleepy !! i will be coming backto this tomorrow for MORE PICTURES!!!!!!And i can type aagain (mostly) which is very important lol

idk im just upset. like i am proud of myself for going - i had to suddenly leave the house to go to the pharmacy, because my dad wouldn't be able to pick my medicine up in time before it closed and i had no doses left; it was a trip that took MAYBE 20-25 minutes total because of how close the pharmacy is - but the way my body reacted after is just so frustrating... i thought i was doing better enough to at least not have these awful things.

and what's worse is i HAD a panic attack ALREADY, after i ate dinner that night. so i thought i got it out of my system. but no, i went to sleep around 3 am, and woke up at almost 6 am gasping for air/hyperventilating, my heart pounding out of my chest, and nauseous as anything..... i lasted ONE rem cycle which is so typical for my nocturnal panic attacks.

i have emetophobia so it was truly a rough one. i was sitting on the bathroom floor with an ice pack and an alcohol wipe, deep breathing through it and trying to keep myself from gagging. truly thought this was going to be the time i finally threw up from a panic attack.

did not. but now i feel like i went through a war. my entire body is so exhausted. slept in until almost noon which i NEVER do. i hate this :(

i have been playing a lot of tomodachi life living the dream (i got suuuper into the 3ds version of the game a couple years ago so this release made me so happy!) but my islands have been very strict. as in, i have multiple islands and each one i only make specific characters on them.

my first island was dedicated to marvel comics, my second to final fantasy XIV, and my third to valorant. but i have been watching people make islands where they make a lot of random miis from different things, characters and celebrities and stuff like this. it seemed really fun actually but i wasn't sure if i could do it. because i don't like when things "don't make sense." i can watch other people do stuff and find it funny but me doing it and interacting with it, it can be hard.

BUT then i saw someone make miis of the golden girls ladies, and i really love the golden girls. i loved those miis so much, and i was sad i couldn't make them on any of my islands. but my friend encouraged me to try making a silly island so i could have them on it and i am really glad they did!!!!

on my island so far, i have me, ryan hall (a weather streamer i watch all the time), hatsune miku, gandalf, the golden girls, kuchipatchi (who i set as my IRL son because i love him so much), winston and tracer from overwatch, fka twigs, and i am trying to come up with more miis still...!!! i want to make a few more overwatch characters i think, and then maybe some wrestlers i like.

but basically, it was scary to make this island! which sounds silly because it isn't serious. it's just a game... but it was still scary to me, and i did it anyway, and now i am glad i did because it has been a lot of fun!!! :D

it's a weird complicated situation that is also pretty ridiculous and i know i am probably overthinking everything / it feels worse because of my RSD but i still feel pretty icky.

i am going to try to stop it now and do something else for a while but it is really frustrating because i kept telling myself today "you are overthinking it" and then another thing would happen to prove it right, and it just... auheyhijou8rfeyui4hjaaaaa i am really sad i guess. because i dont really know why it's happening? and so i can't try to fix it if i don't know, but i don't want to cause problems by saying or asking anything. so instead i have to figure out how to avoid it so i stop feeling bad and also try to not make it obvious i HAVE felt bad :(

do you also struggle to take yourself away from these kinds of situations ? what do you do?