u/pillsandpotionz

God I need some help. I've usually been really good at keeping my self esteem in check, ie, I notice when something is triggering it to drop, and I do whatever I can to not have it drop unnecessarily.

Day to day I do feel very good about myself despite a large sense of.... I don't want to call it pessimism, just a constant knowing of my own mortality for having a muscle wasting disease. (It can make you so frustrated and angry that you can't do the things you used to no matter how badly you want to do them).

But despite that, generally I do like myself. I don't often feel self hatred unless I've done something to wrong somebody, but what stops that feeling inside is doing the right thing and apologising and trying to change/stop doing what I'd done.

But as of around... March time? Someone I was friends with for around a decade, who also has BPD, has been employed at a place I used to frequent. I no longer frequent there because of them. I just can't.

It feels like any progress I make gets shattered whenever they are around my life. And I can't even exit them from my life BC the workplace is a bar & local gig scene which my partner is very very much a large part of, so I know it's a matter of just trying to build up a healthy shield, but it's like any time they walk past me I feel something cracking, I've asked that when my partner comes home from the bar, I am not told a single thing about the person this post is about. I just cannot handle it.

So, they're not even doing anything and I can feel this sense of being watched, therefore being judged, therefore I will be treated poorly, WHEN I DON'T CARE I DONT WANT TO CARE HOW THEY SEE ME I JUST WANT TO NOT CARE

But for some reason I do

I know it's BC we used to be good friends, but they'd only ever give me their availability for the next 4 days whenever I'd ask if we could make time to talk about some issues, if a day was suitable in those 4 days, then they wouldn't suggest future dates, so it just felt like they didn't want to. So therefore, WHY SHOULD I CARE??? I DONT WANT TO

I need some advice on how I can disconnect my self esteem from this person despite me trying my hardest to neutralise the issues that happened as just negative things that happened, they don't need to keep affecting me 3 years after I stop talking to them, but IT DOES IT NEVER ENDS

Any issues I ever had w exes no matter how bad or how much I was cheated on, it's easy to rationalise that as them just being a bad person and not caring about how their actions affect others, I think I'm struggling so much is bc I know this person has BPD, so I know that not everything they do is intentional or meant in bad faith/maliciously - but it still doesn't remove the effect it had on others.

Post-hiring, I've been into the establishment twice. Once for my friend's bday and the other for my partner's. And the person was not working then. Which was great. I have heard things like they'll be staring holes in the back of my friend's heads when they're in, so I guess it's just knowing this person probably hasn't changed a whole lot and isnt just leaving people to their own things is definitely not helping me feel any better about basically just ending a good part of my life BC I cannot handle being in the same room as them. I just feel too old (25) for any stupid, petty bullshit that I know the person does, and still does, BC I unfortunately get told things even after asking them not to (they're getting better at not telling me so I appreciate them for that, mistakes and slip ups happen)

How can I boost my self esteem when it's really only being affected by the ONE person that I'm trying so hard to never have to talk to again

Hello. I've been using qbit for around a year for things like games, shows/movies etc, and I've recently began using Nicotine+ as my ISP blocks slsk (even paid for VPN didn't help) for music and other files I have trouble sourcing (such as Wii roms since Myrient was taken down).

I've noticed when I'm trying to seed files on Qbit whilst downloading from N+/slsk, that qbit will stop all transfers and downloads.

Is this typical behaviour and it'll likely be because multiple clients are trying to share bandwidth between many peers? Or could there be something I can do to allow both to run at the same time?

It is a little frustrating that I can't share on slsk/N+ while seeding to others on Qbit, so I'm probably going to alternate day to day. One day I seed on Qbit, next day I share/DL from slsk, 3rd day I seed again until I find out if I can have both sharing at the same time - not sure if maybe split tunneling would work or if split tunnelling is *just* for having 1 group of software connected thru VPN connected, and 1 group of software connected thru my ISP.

Any advice would be amazing thank you!

Hi! Over time I am getting more and more open to talking about magick with my partner, but I do already know that they're very..... Material, in the sense that if we can't prove it, or there hasn't already been studies on the introduction and effectiveness of said practice, tradition etc, they are less likely to trust or believe in it. I get the logic behind that, I really do. But I am also very very open to other traditions, practices, religious or spiritual practices. I always was but I knew the general consensus was don't really talk about it with people or they'll say it's pseudoscience and not real, like how god "isn't this big dude in the sky"(even tho actual Christians don't think he sits up there in the actual sky, it's a metaphor)(I think so many people are extremely facetious(?) for the sake of not caring to actually understand something and just take the piss BC it's easier).

The ways I do talk to them about things related to witchcraft is if they say something to do with crystals, like they "don't do anything", I say "well loads of people use imagery and real objects as representations of other things or concepts, nothing really wrong with enjoying carrying around a bag of rocks if you like them a lot", or if they say "why do you have a bunch of cooking herbs in a trunk?", I just say "Well yknow those little jars of protective representation I like to make sometimes? It's for those. Hundreds of years ago people found properties of certain plants and utilised them in various ways. I could say your incense doesn't actually heal you, but you don't care if it *actually* physically, materially changes something, because it's still a nice ritual to do at night that lets us decompress and chill into our night time", and I DONT GET PUSH BACK (which is so good). Sometimes I'll get a "uh okay sure", but I know it's more of a "I don't really get it but if it helps you, it doesn't seem too extreme or delusion inducing so idc"(I do allow conversations around my mental stability and delusions as I have been in psychosis a few times, so I appreciate the caution and care to make sure I haven't just stuck my head too deep into something maladaptive)(I have taken in STRIDES the phrase "Consider the mundane" first. It's as well been super helpful for my BPD therapy (consider the simplest, most basic answer, and it's probably that, ie, don't drive yourself mad going paranoid, they probably just forgot, which is okay)

I think I have rambled a little bit, I just wondered how you explain what your items are for when someone finds them and asks? Understandably it would be concerning if they opened the trunk and I got up in a panic saying "NO NO NO DONT OPEN THAT", it'll obviously look suspicious, and the most I ever hide from them anyway is presents they're not allowed to see yet. So if I really suddenly don't want something looked in and don't explain its gifts, I'll be questioned which I think is reasonable when you've been with somebody for years and years and then BOOM suddenly hiding things?

Like I really don't wanna just go "it's my magick stuff you don't care for" BC that's rude. I even still am a bit apprehensive to call it all magick. So I just say "it's my representation jar ingredients". I've described the protection jars in a sort of Jungian way? They already know about his book Man and His Symbols, and does already understand personified representations of things and people and concepts, and I say "So when you're away for a night, I'll sit and create a "Good Tides" ritual where I create a jar with ingredients that represent the things I'm focussing on, either trust in myself or something, or to shake off the final nervous system attachments", and I don't tend to get push back or rude or condescending questions or comments.

There was a situation a few weeks ago where I'd made a candle cord cutting ritual. I had the to-dispose-of pieces, like the candles and bits of herbs and a cut up/kind of burnt patch the person had given me, inside a silk bag, which was inside of my backpack. I hadn't a moment after work to dispose of it all so I just went about my normal post-work shop stuff and when we'd gotten home they were unpacking my bag and questioned me about the silk bag's contents. I did freeze up a bit and panic asked them to put it back and I'll explain later (my parent was in the next room I didn't want a scene but they also don't know about this stuff), to which they understandably got stressed about BC they'd seen the inside of the bag and saw the patch and just knew I was doing or up to something, and was then questioned about my attachments to the individual.... It was all to get my nervous system to stop going ‼️ any time their name got mentioned even if it happens to also be the name of some business yknow. I'm too old for my body to still care about the past, but real therapy wasn't helping the way I'd thought.

Ofc I did speak with them about the bag, what it's purpose was for, why I was so weird about them looking in it, and explained that I want the mental attachments GONE. It WAS NOT for remembrance, it was for BANISHING THEM OUT OF MY LIFE. And they accepted my need to do these things, these little "mental health rituals" I'll probably call them to outside people looking in. Yes I do like crystals, yes I do kind of believe in the general consensus of their meanings and uses, both good and bad aspects. No I don't say things like "My obsidian is obsidianing right now" when something happens that I used obsidian in relation with, I just say something like "Damn, when you call out to the universe, she does sometimes answer you"

And things like Intuition!!! I never was able to get a good hold of/onto myself to trust in myself properly UNTIL I started these witchy things. I used to say I'll do x, and then do y instead. Now with the trust I've gained, when I say I'm going to do x, I actually do it, and obviously my life is better for it. I was so bad at saying I'll do xyz and never do then be all "wa wa my life". It's like, to do these practices, I HAVE to sort out the unhealthy parts of my mind, and in turn I am better off for it, and trust myself better, and it IS because I had put trust in the things I read here and in other subs, and the research I'd do on blahblah

Huge post I'm so sorry to basically say "hey you guys might on to smth here!"

Hello! I just had just read a comment about this and wanted to ask for more information

Should I be creating protection jars if my goal is actually to have someone exit my life/make it less likely they may appear again.

I had read that if I wanted to have them exit my life, why would I create something in representation of that, which would just stay inside my home?

I'm not able to bury the jars in the garden as the home isn't mine and I'd probably have to later explain why there is no plant growing if I fibbed and said I'm planting a plant.

Would a banishment ritual be more appropriate?

Going off the comment I read, and what has happened since I did make a spell jar to protect against a person, the person in question has actually come further into my life and has been contacting me more, even though I do what I can IRL to prevent it (unfortunately because we are coworkers but work on different days, I can't be fully away or block them completely, so I was more trying to protect my energy from the negative sides of theirs I had come to notice after some years).

Perhaps I had misunderstood the full varied uses of the protection jars, which if that's the case I'll definitely spend more time reading into their purposes.

If banishment rituals are more appropriate while I seek new employment (I have been since February, so I am trying to remove myself from the person's vicinity also), I will look further into those

I just wanted some clarity on a comment I read, it's made me wonder if I'm being too.... Small(?) with my practices, if I want them out of my life completely, must I do something more 'powerful' feeling, something 'bigger', or could my intentions be that they were not fully formed/clear enough?

What could all the varying factors be to have a ritual you've done be less effective than you had thought it'd be?

Throughout the week, things are generally fine. I catch myself on my phone for no reason and put it away and go do something else.

But the nights my partner stays with his parents or is out with people for a good number of hours, that's when the urges to grab my phone is so much worse

Much of the time (anymore) I'm not even trying to contact him when he's out (I do know I used to be so bad at letting him have time away that I think now I'm more extreme with it where I'd rather just chuck my phone in a drawer when he's gone and if he needs me he knows to phone.

I have so many things I love doing, gaming, making art, messing about on my computer (man I love sorting thru my files every few months), playing with my kitties, even just watching shows that he's not that into, I've got hours and hours to binge it!

And I do those things when he's here - I guess it's a bit like autistic/ADHD body doubling/parallel play.

But when he's not around it's like I don't have the unspoken knowing if someone is here that I know hates to sit on their phone and finds out purposeless, and I agree with that, much of the time I'm not on my phone for any decent reason. If I'm editing videos I can do that on my computer, it's much more powerful yknow. My want to do Me things feels reduced when I'm alone. It feels kind of like my things are meh, so I had wondered "Am I pushing myself to do things I don't really care about because I feel like I'm being watched?" Even though I don't actually feel watched or constantly observed. I love my nights alone BC I KNOW no one's there, I do whatever I like without judgement (even tho he doesn't judge me AT ALL and is always encouraging me to do the things I like).

Maybe when I'm by myself it's more of an existential feeling I'm getting? I'm not sure

Does anybody else's phone issues seem stronger when they're alone? How did you manage to shake it off? I know the more I just push myself to do the things I like when alone, it'll feel easier to do them in the future. Soon enough I won't feel "bored", I'll be inspired or I'll even just do something FOR FUN

I have this awful need to do something productive BEFORE I do something leisurely, and it's been horrible trying to get out of.

If I want to play a game for 1 hour before work, why shouldn't I? If I know I'll do the Important Things after work, then I should trust myself that I will and allow myself that leisure

Hello, I was wondering if there's a similar energetic/magick related kind of burn out where you do too many spells/rituals in one day/session, which could cause your intentions to not be strong enough as you've sort of spread yourself thin creating/considering so many intentions?

I'm asking because I prefer to do any rituals alone, but I do not live alone. Until we manage to get our own home, my partner is still able and willing to stay at their parents some nights, both to give myself a social/energetic break, and ofc it's nice for them to develop a deeper relation with their father, which is always something I'd want for them.

So due to that not being very often, about once every two weeks maybe, is when I have nights (mostly) alone (we live in my mother's home). My mother tends to just keep to herself in the living room while we inhabit the top floor, so she rarely enters my room and calls me from the hallways if she needs something (big win for privacy), but when my partner is home, they're in my room, and oftentimes is using the television so there *is* a lot of background sound and things which may enter my brain when I don't want it to. It's also just easier to think of and set intentions when there isn't any distractions.

Reason for asking::

I have some rituals planned out for tonight, but I've only just now considered "Can I burn myself out in this area, similar to how if you create 6 paintings in one day, you don't want to paint for the next month?". It is the evening of the Flower Moon, so I would LOVE to catch the new moon during a ritual, I've only managed to charge my crystal collection with the moon as that month the new moon night wasn't a night I had alone. I also think that the cross into Spring would be the perfect time for a certain ritual, as the spring time was when I'd stopped contact with them, so I feel all the context and things like up perfectly.

I suppose maybe the burn out is dependent on *which* kinds of rituals and spells I'm doing.

I'd like to do a candle cord cutting ritual to sever ties to somebody that I believe may be the cause of some recurring dreams I've been having since NY2025. (I have done the mundane such as blocking them, removing gifts they gave me from my home, even burning fabric ones outside, but the dreams still occur).

I'd also like to create a new projection jar, because somebody I have terrible relations with is newly employed somewhere that I frequent, and I have tried to use my therapy workbooks to help get through the situation but it hasn't helped in the ways I'd hoped. And I believe also safely dispose of two jars I had created a few months ago. I believe they have served their purpose, and trust that their intentions have been accepted by the unseen/the universe.

There is also a spell I would like to do that is similar to the concept of an evil eye, but is more of a one and done (I hope) spell to protect myself from the rotten attitude of a family member I am unfortunately familial-y obligated to assist (they are blind and cannot walk, and I would rather not just leave them to themselves and carers, I do love seeing them they can just be very very careless with how they talk about their own children). I have not considered everything I may need for the spell as I'm still at work and want to sit on the idea for a bit longer in case there may be more effective ingredients that I don't have and should get before casting.

I'll tag this as a nightmare because I've been woken up told I'm screaming/yelling a bunch of mumbling, even though I don't tend to feel stressed after every one of these.

The dream has developed & changed so I'll explain the first few then last nights one.

Since.... I'd say the start of 2025, though I did get night terrors about 10 years ago but they subsided after trauma processing, was the beginning of these new ones.

The very very first of this type of dream, was actually a very fun one! It was my bf and I searching through this giant multi storey old wood mansion type deal, and if gotten to the top room atop the spire, and was looking for expensive things to steal. This dream did come not long after having played the Dishonored game again. I was woken up from that dream when I saw my bf running up the stairs to find me so it appeared like something bad was going to happen so I woke up.

Every one preceding that dream was still in a large cabin of sorts. Wooden/plank walls, creaky floorboards, older 50s-ish styled kitchen, very rustic environment. What I remember doing in these dreams (I was by myself in these ones and future ones), one time I was running away from *something* and I'd hid under the kitchen table, where you couldn't see the sides/underneath due to a large tablecloth. Nothing much more would happen after I hid and then I'd wake up.

Another instance of this dream, I was doing the same thing, running from something then hiding under the kitchen table, except that time, the Woman of The Kitchen knew I was in there and came looking for me, then I'd wake up, not getting the chance to know if I was caught or not. For what I can, I must have been a bit lucid if I can remember them so well, and in some cases actually remember shouting and then being woken.

There was one where I was running up the same staircase, in likely the same building, and that time I had somebody around my own age trying to chase after me, except in the dream I wasn't in my mind 20s, I'd be around 18/19. Never stayed over night in a large building or facility at that age either. In that dream, and another one very similar where I was again being chased by a similarly aged girl, I remember hiding in a bathroom. The layout was like, after I'd come up the staircase, go forward for 1 metre, then turn right and that hallway is a long stretch of doors. The right hand side was all bathroom doors, inside they were all multi cubicle as well. The left hand side were office rooms or meeting rooms of some sort. That left side would also be where the windows are on that floor. Don't know why it was important enough to add windows and also let me know what was inside the rooms when I hadn't ever entered them during a dream.

So I've had around 4 or 5 of these same or extremely similar buildings, all having the same floor plan so I knew the stairs and I knew the bathrooms to hide in. Each time I would have to be woken up by my bf because he'd wake to me going AHHHHH AHHHHH MMMPH AAAHHHH a lot.

A big big change in the dreams came last night. It was another large building of sorts, except the walls looked like white panels with rust all over them. Breathing walls, so much rust and decay. I could barely tell if I was in a hospital or in a large white padded wall room that was left to rot.

I really do feel like it's a rather Silent Hill-y type dream. Before hand I'd only call the dreams that due to the building having 1000 doors that I'm meant to search through. But last night's one I'd say was definitely much much more like the Silent Hill games.

But video game dreams are typically fun, or neutral. I'd call the dream from the start where it was my bf and I kind of Metal Gear sneaking thru a large house, that's either neutral or fun, but all of those other ones since the first have been distressing and not fun at all!!

I'm trying hard to remember and figure out what occurred from the release of Silent Hill 2 remake in 2024, and the beginning of 2025, to understand why I am having a recurring dream that entails me being chased by something, I have to hide and I always choose a table or the bathroom (i know the bathroom probably stems from when I was in college and I begun to get stressed out or really anxious, I'd take myself to the bathroom to try and regulate).

My previous recurring dream about a passed family member had all stopped when I told 2 people about them, but I've talked about these dreams to a few people and they seem to still continue.

Another factor in play is I notice I am sleeping on my back when these dreams occur which I've read isn't good for blood flow too the brain so perhaps it's a really stressful way to wake me up to turn over BC this position hurts to sleep in? Idk, they are strange dreams and if asked I can try to give more information but I've put everything I can remember about them.

Anybody interpret them in a better way than I could? Or even just give pointers of where to look in life to see what's causing them

Hello, I was walking over a foot bridge and my right bud fell out and unfortunately into the river.

Am I able to buy just a single right side bud and put it inside my current set's case and have it pair together with the left one I still have? Or do I need to replace the entire thing?

Thanks! It's the Google buds pro first edition.