Feeling so broken
My daschhund of 5 years just died 3 days ago. He was the sweetest. He liked to cuddle at night. I have 6 other dogs but none of them likes cuddling me to sleep. Only him so he is my favorite.
Short story: 3 of my other dogs broke his back. I can't afford to send him to surgery. I tried to nurse him as much as I can with painkillers and other meds but he eventually succumbed. I know he suffered for days until he died. There were times when I woke up with him hugging my arms while wailing. Before he passed I fed him some chicken, then I gave him painkillers. Then I went to get my own food and came back to him lifeless.
I feel such a failure of a dog dad, a failure of a person, because I couldn't afford to send him to surgery. So he died because of me. I killed him. And he suffered till the end.
I don't know how I can forgive myself.
And I don't know how to love my other dogs because all I see sometimes is how they helped kill my favorite dog by breaking his back.
I just wish he comes back somehow to tell me it's ok and that he's ok. The very hour that he died I went on Gemini to tell this very same question (Am I a failure of a dog dad because of what happened?) And the prompt just wouldn't send. I hit enter and it wouldn't work. There was no issue with the internet then. I took that as a sign that my dog was telling me I wasn't. I wish I believe this sign more.