u/ppannoss

This past week I've been finding a lot of things about myself that I never thought I had and I genuinely feel like my parents have been hiding it from me or were never able to accept that I am this way.

To bring more context lately I've noticed a lot of pattern recognitions about myself that can indicate that I might have some type of autism.There are a lot of things about how I function that might be autistic but I wouldn't have tried to look more to it or tried to self diagnose if my sister hadn't told me something specific.

My sister and I work the same job and we were returning together to our house and I started to talk to her about how I think I might have some type of autism and that I don't know if I want to look into seeing a therapist.Then my sister told me "I don't know if Ive ever told you this but Mom had suspected and had told me specifically that she thinks you have autism".The time my Mom Told her this was about 3 years ago.

What makes me really mad is that I've been noticing these signs ever since I was 9 and there's no way my mom hadn't noticed by then that I might have some type of problem.I don't if she's been hiding from it and can't accept that her son has this problem or if she genuinely doesn't care and doesn't want to give me mental help.Ive had a lot of other mental and physical problems with my mom that I've written here which might help make our relationship more clear.

I don't know if my chart can help me understand this better but I'd be happy if someone helped with this.

I've felt this way ever since I remember myself in middle school.My mom ever since I was 6 up until I was 13 to 15 used to hit me a lot.She would specifically slap me hard in the face or on my arms whenever she would decide that I did something wrong.I specifically remember one time when I was probably 8 years old where my mom was "helping me study" and because I couldn't some Math problem correct she slapped me in the face and I started to cry.Then I turned around and said to her face "I wish I was never born into this family".Which looking back at this I realise that this is a crazy thing to be saying to your mom at 8 years old.

My mom mostly physically abused me but there were times where my dad also would slap me aswell.The specific time I remember when she last tried to hit me was when I was 15.I remember she was yelling at to me about something and I talked back to her from the living room.She came from the kitchen to the living room and she looked like she was about to slap me like usual.The moment I saw her move her hand I pressed my hand on her shoulder and pushed her away slightly (or I put pressure on her shoulder I don't remember correctly) and started shouting at her "STOP, STOP".She was staring at me with a crazy look.She pulled away her hand didn't say anything went silent and then just went back to the kitchen like nothing happened.

This is pretty much all of the physical abuse I endured in my house and right now that I'm 19 I still feel uncomfortable with any physical affection from my parents.Specifically from my mom because I have never gotten any from my father ever.Every single time she like tries to rub my shoulder with her hand to comfort me I just feel genuinely disgusted and I feel weird in my stomach.Any form of physical affection she tries to give I just don't feel anything from.

My problem is that it doesn't stop with only my parents.I don't feel comfortable with my Sister giving me physical affection either and I can't understand why.She has been the only person who has ever understood me in my life and I truly love her because she has helped me so much with dealing with our mother and how to cope better when she has mental breakdowns.She sometimes gives me hugs and I just feel uncomfortable or just don't feel anything at all.Even with some of my friends when they touch me in any small way I still feel uncomfortable and try to pull away.Even if I trust them a lot I still can't get why mind automatically just feels uncomfortable.

I also wanted to write all of this because I feel like my family has been hiding something from me for a long time but I don't know if I'm just delusional.I want to talk about my grandpa from my mother's side.Ever since i remember him he has been a nice grandpa who always wanted to play board games with me when I would come over to their house with my parents and I remember having a good time with him.But I've learned some things about my grandpa which has made me rethink every single thing about him.

One day my cousins who live far away from the city I live in came here for a vacation.And suddenly one day my mom and aunt suddenly call me from the living room and when I come they ask me this."Can I ask you something?" "Has Grandpa ever done anything weird to you?".I answered no obviously but then she asked me "He has never like locked you in a room or something like that?".I said no and they told me ok and I left.I didn't think much about it until some days later I was talking to my sister.And I asked her about my grandpa and she told me suddenly something really weird.

My girl cousin had come over to my grandparents house one day when they were here on vacation and I remember my grandma saying something to her.She was right about to go to the bathroom when my grandma said to her "Make sure you close the door of the bathroom because it's natural for the men in this house to look.".When I suddenly remembered this i started to realise that my grandpa was a complete weirdo.Then I started to remember more.One day when I was about 9 to 10 years old I was again over at my grandparents house with my parents and I think we were having a sleepover or something and it was late at night.I remember being outside of the living room and right when I was about to walk inside I heard my grandpa say something to my father.He said "Do you wanna watch some porn and Jerk off?" which crazily I don't remember my father denying it for some reason he went over and sat on the couch I saw from afar.

My mind has been telling me that this all connects and this is the reason why I hate being touched by anyone.I don't want to overdo it but I've been overthinking about how my grandpa might had done something to me when I was little and I can't remember anything and all of these are trauma responses.I don't want to think that way though.Do you think this matches with what I'm experiencing?

I've wrote a lot of other post about my mom on here so I won't go into detail on what type of person she is so I will just say some minor things.(if you want just read the other posts I've made about my mom)

My mom has been unemployed for over 15 years now and she has been stuck in the house ever since with no type of friends at all and has gotten really overweight close to obese because she has an unstable diet.She also never had a phone until last year from when my sister gave her her old phone to her to use and ever since I think she has been brain rotted.She has been watching stupid YouTube Christian shorts which have built a fake narrative in her head and she is sure that the apocalypse will happen and it will happen really soon.My dad has tried to make a conversation about this with her to try and tell her to stop believing these things she sees on the internet but it didn't work at all.I also tried to seriously tell her this but she won't change her mind whatever so I gave up on trying to make a conversation about this with her.

What really made me mad was when one night she literally straight up asked me if could send her 200€ because she wanted to buy some things she needed.I asked her what she needed that costs that much and she straight up told me "Because hard days are coming I need to buy food and keep it somewhere so we can survive".My father was in front of me when that conversation happened and he told her that she literally is saying dumb things.My mom followed up by saying that in less than 2 months all of the electricity in our country will be cut off and also the water so we won't be able to drink.Also she mentioned that there won't be any selves In the supermarkets left to buy anything.What I forgot to mention was that she said that she was gonna get 200€ from me ,200 from my Dad and 200 from my sister.

Honestly at first I thought she was literally making a joke so Iaughed slightly but when I realised she was serious I didn't really respond to her and slowly left the room when my Dad and her was arguing.I felt really disappointed because I felt like my own mom was trying to use me for her own needs.I got my first job 2 months ago.Ever since before that she would always have a lot of anger issues and throw them at me and my sister verbally.I don't know if it is because I have a job now and I don't see her but she has been calmer ever since I've gotten a job.Maybe it's also because I'm not inside the house as often as I used to be because I'm usually at my job and I don't see her if she is crashing out.But i genuinely feel mad and disappointed that my own parent asked me for this...

I really don't know how to feel anymore I'm just going to sleep and hope that all this is a joke next morning...🫠

Κυριολεκτικά γίνεται κάθε φορά αυτό ακόμα και να μην είναι φουλ γεμάτο το μέτρο.Τις περισσότερες φορές κοιτάω το πάτωμα όλη την διαδρομή για να μην νιωθω πως φαίνομαι περίεργος ότι κοιτάω κάποιον κατάματα.

Τις τελευταίες φορές όμως άμα δεν κάθομαι σε κάθισμα κυριολεκτικά θα κλείνω τα μάτια μου και θα κάνω πως κοιμάμαι για να αποφύγω όλο αυτό το σκεπτικό από το μυαλό μου (άλλο όμως το ότι φαίνομαι σαν ηλίθιος να κοιμάμαι όρθιος😭). Οπότε άμα με έχει δει κανεις να κοιμάμαι συνέχεια στο μετρό pls don't judge me.

Pls πείτε μου ότι δεν είμαι ο μόνος που νιώθει έτσι όταν είμαι στο μετρό🫠

It's hit me really suddenly and these past two days I've been feeling pretty down I don't even want to get out of bed.Ive started my first job after I stopped going to uni because I got stressed out by the schedule and I feel like I'm still trying to find a meaning to my life.I don't really know where I'm going with my life I just feel depressed...