u/pricel01

Nature made me gay. My parents made me Mormon. Either by itself probably would have been fine but together it was a problem.

I was the seventh child. My parents had two more after me. I joke that I’m 7 of 9. We loved and supported each other when we weren’t fighting. But that’s more children than two parents can handle. So my brother, five years older, became a surrogate father. He took me out to eat, to movies, gave me rolls of quarters to play at the arcade and gave me “the talk.” My religion taught me black people were cursed and homosexuals were wicked. He taught me to love and accept people as children of God. He was the first of the best humans I ever met. He loved me unconditionally.

I remember when I was eight years old being at a friend’s house when he shared a new album with me. For him it was about the music. For me it was the shirtless guy on the cover. I didn’t know what gay was but I knew I wasn’t like the other boys. I am completely masculine but I just wasn’t interested in girls like they were. I was 20 before I found a book in the book store that described gay sex. It blew my mind that that was possible.

My religion said I should get married, so I did. I was taught it’s how you overcome homosexual feelings. It doesn’t. We had three children. We were supposed to keep going like good Mormons but at age 32 I stopped “performing.” The internet became a thing by then and it was gay porn virtually every night. I sank into a deep depression realizing that I was never going to escape this “addiction.” I wasn’t sleeping with men but this wasn’t the life I imagined.

In 2018 I came home from a trip abroad with pneumonia. Into 2019 I was hospitalized three times. The last time I was placed in isolation and nearly died. I spent 2019 contemplating how precious life was and if this was how I wanted to spend it. In September I took a job in another state. I stopped going to church and life without guilt made me feel better. I hatched a plan.

I lived near Atlanta which has a gay scene. New Year’s Eve I went to a gay bar determined to snag a hookup. I needed to know if sex with a guy was worth leaving a 30-year marriage. I found my mark. I sat down next to him and ordered the same beer as him. Mormon here…what did I know about beer. We chatted then found a quiet spot to keep talking. For three hours we talked and I didn’t tell one lie. It was like breathing oxygen for the first time. I found out he had been closeted and married. I invited him to my room. He said no. He said he didn’t do hookups but wouldn’t mind taking more. We exchanged numbers. That conversation was enough. I had to have oxygen. I was getting a divorce.

In Jan 2020 I filed and that’s a whole other adventure. I kept talking to this guy I met in the bar. I could ask him anything. We never had sex. I called him my gay sensei. I realized later what he was thinking in the bar. He smelled the new on me and thought “They’re going to eat him alive.” He made it his mission to make sure that didn’t happen. This was best human no. 2.

I started meeting men on apps. I went on dates without sex. I met a man who was fine with that. He was about my age. I fell in love. It was the most intoxicating feeling I ever had. Then one day we didn’t stop at making out. Sex with a man was the most mind-blowing experience I ever had. I finally understood what love songs were about.

When I came out to my family, most were shocked given how I don’t fit the feminine stereotype. My brother just said, “Now you know why I taught you not to be judgmental of gay people.” He loved and supported me until cancer took him last year.

But I hit a snag. My new boyfriend was closeted. I wasn’t allowed to meet anyone who knew him. My gay sensei warned me this wasn’t a good idea. My boyfriend got Covid and nearly died. We didn’t talk for two weeks during his illness, his choice. After he recovered it fell apart and he ghosted me.

I hit the apps again. Now it was mostly about sex. Guys kept telling me how cute I was. My gay sensei told me about PrEP and online scammers. I learned that my gay sensei had been scammed out his life savings by someone online. Dating in 2020 was tricky. But I had a ball.

In November I signed up for an upscale dating app on a cyber Monday special. There was a profile of a dude with his dog. I couldn’t resist leaving a message. We messaged for a while. He lived 2,000 miles away. December 3rd we had our first online date. Every Wednesday for weeks we met online. In February he was able to get a Covid shot and come see me. I thought he was ok but I was seeing other guys too. He said that was fine but told me, “I’m going to make you my boyfriend.” I got an instant boner. I’m no small guy but he was taller and bigger than me. In his arms I felt protected, maybe even a little feminine, and I liked it.

He flew back and forth for months. In July he agreed to move near me so we could date. His job had gone remote. I visited him in his new apartment…and never left. We went on a date every Wednesday. The sex was amazing. He snuggled me every night in his arms and I would melt. My divorce finalized in 2021 and we got engaged. He announced his joy on a gay subreddit only to be told how it won’t last. The hurt and cynicism out there was unexpected. He is annoyed but not deterred.

December 3, 2022 is the second anniversary of our first online date. We fly to Las Vegas and get married. We buy a house together and settle in to our new lives. We make plans to visit my gay sensei who moved to Europe to take care of his mother. We did go only to find out that my dear friend is no longer with us.

In December 2025 I was forced to retire and go on disability due to failing health. I’m in constant pain. I’ve always said yes whenever he asked for sex. It breaks my heart I can’t do that now. He doesn’t complain. But we still go out every Wednesday. He mows the lawn and carries in the groceries. He makes me breakfast every day before work. I do what I can. This week we were at the doctor for more testing. He lifts my walker in and out of the truck. He opens doors and makes sure I don’t fall. He waits hours in the waiting room. He makes sure I’m ok. I take a moment to thank him for doing so much. He responds that he didn’t do anything. It’s not true. He didn’t sign up for this. He’s made of gold. This is the third person I’ve met who qualifies as most decent human on my journey. He snuggles me every night and I melt.

There’s a dung pile of failed Smith prophecies but I don’t know of any that came true. I’m talking about things that happened that he didn’t control. Predicting I will go to lunch on Tuesday doesn’t make me a prophet. I start by blowing away the most commonly cited example.

1832 prediction of the US civil war: From late 1832 to the spring of 1833 there was a standoff between President Jackson and South Carolina now called the nullification crisis. That prophecy was a prediction of a war that never happened as the conflict was resolved. The church clearly moved on as the claimed revelation is missing from the D&C in both 1835 and 1844.

In 1851 the prediction showed up in print as the 1850 comprise really resolved nothing. If the noise hadn’t been concentrated again in South Carolina, this would never have seen the light of day. Predicting a war in South Carolina was like predicting the Super Bowl would happen on a Sunday.

But let’s examine the text, D&C 87

>1 Verily, thus saith the Lord concerning the wars that will shortly come to pass, beginning at the rebellion of South Carolina, which will eventually terminate in the death and misery of many souls;

Wars did not come. One war came decades later than expected. Wars tend to be miserable and kill people.

>2 And the time will come that war will be poured out upon all nations, beginning at this place.

Complete fail. War has never been poured out on all nations, not even the world wars. And those did not start in South Carolina. That war ended.

3 For behold, the Southern States shall be divided against the Northern States, and the Southern States will call on other nations, even the nation of Great Britain, as it is called, and they shall also call upon other nations, in order to defend themselves against other nations; and then war shall be poured out upon all nations.

North vs South was the plague of US politics from the beginning. Both sides called for help because, duh, why wouldn’t they? The southern states calling on Britain was an obvious choice since people thought Britain was eager to see the US fail out of revenge. The South did appeal to Britain who basically told them to pound sand. They called on France, Mexico, Spain and Russia. They stayed neutral except Russia whom the union asked for help. It send squadrons to San Francisco and New York. That seems to be missing from the prophesy. War was not poured out on all nations.

Citing obvious conjecture while missing Russia and making a false prediction about the results makes this a failure.

>4 And it shall come to pass, after many days, slaves shall rise up against their masters, who shall be marshaled and disciplined for war.

Slave revolts were not new and happened periodically throughout the antebellum period. This is obvious conjecture of any war involving a slave-holding state.

>5 And it shall come to pass also that the remnants who are left of the land will marshal themselves, and shall become exceedingly angry, and shall vex the Gentiles with a sore vexation.

The remnants of the war were gentiles. There was no marshal to persecute gentiles. This verse is nonsense.

>6 And thus, with the sword and by bloodshed the inhabitants of the earth shall mourn; and with famine, and plague, and earthquake, and the thunder of heaven, and the fierce and vivid lightning also, shall the inhabitants of the earth be made to feel the wrath, and indignation, and chastening hand of an Almighty God, until the consumption decreed hath made a full end of all nations;

Wars by sword, famine, plagues earthquakes, thunder and lightning have been a staple of the human experience for centuries. He is stating the obvious. There was no significant increase due to the war except famine which the losing side suffered. Duh. There has been no full end of all nations. At best this is untestable. It’s non-specific blah-blah.

>7 That the cry of the saints, and of the blood of the saints, shall cease to come up into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, from the earth, to be avenged of their enemies.

The war had nothing to do avenging the saints.

>8 Wherefore, stand ye in holy places, and be not moved, until the day of the Lord come; for behold, it cometh quickly, saith the Lord. Amen.

Just more blah-blah.

This prophecy is a fail. Can you name any that aren’t?

I have been out on short-term disability with my employer’s insurance. The doctors determined I wasn’t going to get better so the insurance company rolled me over to long-term disability. I’m required by them to apply for SSDI. It makes no difference to me since that would get deducted from what the insurance pays. Wouldn’t the insurance have a good idea I would be approved for SSDI before they approved a payout on their policy?

Nelson was able to slow church growth below two percent even before Covid and keep it there. He ginned up hero worship to distract from his incompetence. Overbuilding temples did not produce a field of dreams; they didn’t come.

Likely the worst idea was reducing the missionary age to 18. In 2025 this caused an 8 percent surge in the missionary force. It returned a 1.5 percent growth. They can’t lower the age again so the growth in missionary force growth rate will slow and the church growth rate will likely turn negative. In the US in 2025 it did.

The greatest growth is in Africa. Lots of churches are growing in Africa. Extreme poverty is a real problem there. Churches, especially with western connections, are viewed as an escape route. The church is not wired to do anything about this and carting off tithing will make it worse. People trapped in poverty will eventually lose patience with the church. The cursed-skin doctrine is a ticking bomb.

Oaks doubling down on homophobia will make things worse. The hard turn to generic Christianity destroys the church’s raison d’être. People will continue asking hard questions and the church will continue failing to answer. People won’t doubt their doubts.

I think Nelson will be seen as the beginning of the end.

Tones were/are the hardest thing for me to remember until I tapped into a characteristic of our brains. Humans were pray early in our existence. There is an evolutionary advantage in noticing movement and images (the things that wanted to eat us). We have evolved with the ability to notice and remember images, especially with movement. Here is how I tap into this to remember tone.

With every new word I memorize the hanzi (I already posted how I do that), the meaning, the pinyin and an image (preferably a moving image) representing the tone. Images moving upward represent first tone. Flat surfaces are second. Dips (like a sink) or round things are third tone and falling objects are fourth.

Here is how it works. Shi is almost all fourth tone so I just memorize images for the exceptions. For example, 石 is a rock thrown into the air. 嘴 and 口 represent round objects, third tone. An image of what you do with your mouth, 咬, gives third tone. 腿 is also round. An image of something streaking straight across the sky 天 suggests first tone. Calling your name 叫down to someone in a hole suggests fourth tone. An image of the object ties meaning and tone.

Some can be tricky if the tone changes the meaning. An image of a teacher shouting straight across the room suggests first tone, 教. But religion roles across the heavens (first tone) before coming down (fourth tone) to us 宗教. A marble or bowling ball rolling across before falling from the sky helps.

Multisyllabic words can work as images. I picture a sink with a counter to the right (flat surface). I cancelled my order for it 取消. The sink 取 with a flat counter next to it 消. An image of a bowling ball being returned shoots up and rolls straight into the past,昨天.

Honestly tones will become natural as you practice. No one speaking mandarin very long has trouble remembering the tone of 我 or 他. More and more words become like that with practice. In the meantime stop memorizing tones as an abstract concept and tie them to images.

I’ve been out seven years which is enough to get past the angry phase. I didn’t leave to sin but breaking the sabbath is my poke-in-the-eye. It’s my screw-you for lying to me. If there’s an activity I need or want to engage in that week, I always arrange to do it on Sunday. Whether it’s shopping, swimming, going to a movie or going for a tapir-back ride, I find it more satisfying to do it in Sunday.

I’ve played about 5,000 hours. This has never happened before. I quickly considered southern Italy so there was low control. This usually causes a lot peasant revolts. I unknowingly gave a county to the revolt leader right before the revolt started, making him a vassal. When the revolt started, it was instantly invalidated. This happened about 20 times. While this guy was alive, the revolts instantly ended. Only after his death did a revolt have steam.

Has this happened to you? Is it a bug?

I retired in December. I had an office job and wore business casual. After I retired I kept wearing the same thing. It just comfortable while I adjusted. But without the stress I have lost about 20 pounds. Nothing fits so it’s time to buy new clothes. Every day is Saturday so I’m thinking jeans and shorts wth a t-shirt. I’m just curious what you all wear in retirement.

A popular LDS refrain is that people are imperfect but the gospel is. But information about the gospel comes through people. LDS members are taught the gospel filtered through people who have demonstrated that they teach incorrect things. Is there a way to bypass people and get to the gospel directly?

Often it's claimed that personal revelation can do that.
That has the following problems. 1) If that method works for you, why doesn't it work for LDS prophets? Why are you able to do what they can't? 2) If people can do this, why do we need prophets? Shouldn't they shut up and let people tap into the source themselves? 3) Why doesn't the whole world land in the same place using this method? 4) In 1976 Doug Wallace used this method to conclude racist teachings were wrong. He was excommunicated. Why would the church punish people for receiving personal revelation? Surely racism is not part of the perfect gospel. Why is obedience to the church above living the gospel?

What is the perfect gospel?

Among the oddities forged by Mark Hoffman is a telling by Martin Harris of the appearance of a guardian spirit in the form of a white salamander who guarded the “golden Bible.”

mormoninformation.com/salamand.htm

It’s a forgery for sure. But what followed its “discovery” teaches us how LDS leaders understand the church’s origins, how unreliable the testimonies of early church leaders are, and how unreliable Oaks is.

The story is so odd and uncharacteristic of modern Mormonism, dismissing it out of hand because of its bizarreness would be the natural reaction for most Mormons at the time. Yet church leaders did not. Oaks even gave a talk defending it and recasting it as metaphorical even though there is zero evidence suggesting such.

https://www.exmormon.org/How-Oaks-and-FARMS-Made-a-Mad-Rush-to-Save-the-Holy-White-Salamander.pdf?utm\_source=perplexity

Why? The letter is so bizarre! It’s because church leaders knew that is exactly how early Mormon leaders talked. While insisting we believe that Harris literally saw angels from God, Oaks advocated Harris figuratively saw a magic salamander. Church leaders know that the witnesses and early church leaders were superstitious. Their superstitious view of reality completely jades their every testimony. Mormonism has its roots in folk magic and LDS leaders know that even if they have hidden it from the membership.

A little gem from Oaks talk is this:

> "As members of the Church, we have the gift of the Holy Ghost. If we will use our spiritual
POWERS of DISCERNMENT, WE WILL NOT BE MISLED…

Yet Oaks was totally misled. His power of discernment was zero and there’s no evidence it ever improved. Oaks’ complete inability to tell truth from fiction completely invalidates his claim to know spiritual truth.

The testimony of early church leaders as well as Oaks today cannot be trusted.

I’m not talking about accent. I may not be able to tell from their accent until they say “Salt Lake City.” It’s a dead giveaway that they aren’t from Salt Lake. Also, it’s Utah, not Utaaaah. Outsiders take so long to say it. And the national park is not Zi-on, it’s Zi-uhn. How about where you are from?

I rarely discuss religion with my TBM relatives anymore. But when I expressed concern for his wellbeing due to all the fires in Utah, he said he would be fine because he pays tithing on his gross income. He said that the scriptures promised full-tithe payers would not burn in the last day. He asserted that the fires were due to too many non-payers and tithing cheaters (net-income payers). When I mentioned climate change might be the cause, he said that that was a myth and that I had been lied to. Ugh!

I have played 4,000 hours and have never traveled the Silk Road. It looks like a huge commitment. Is it worth it?

I’ve taught my children “Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.”

I’m not interested in arguing that the church has a right to take action. I concede that point. I just observe that given the opportunity to be scummy, that’s the direction that the church chooses.

Examples:

**John Dehlin** Dehlin has been using “Mormon Stories” years before the church filed for trademarks. The people behind the musical “Book of Mormon” have a billion dollars. So does Disney with “Mormon Housewives.” Yet no lawsuit because it’s not realistic to sue someone with a billion dollars. But Dehlin is someone you can bully into silence long before you get to court. The church’s case is probably weak but Dehlin doesn’t have a billion so why not.

**Fairfield, TX** The community doesn’t want an overbearing movie theater dominating their community. There are many jurisdictions where the church is not allowed to build huge steeples. So they build accordingly, sometimes no steeples. But in Fairfield there’s some doctrine birthed that these buildings need huge steeples.

**Victims of sexual violence** The church knows well in advance of law enforcement that children are being abused. Do they move to protect the children? Nope. They assert their right to be silent and allow the abuse to continue.

Whenever there’s a choice between being decent and being scummy, the church chooses scummy.

I’ve probably played a hundred times. Whenever I take someone on, I try to size up their strength. It’s not so uncommon for an opponent to make a powerful ally after the war starts. But that’s not what the pope is doing and still he pulls out about triple the army strength I expected…always. How is he doing that?

“Prophets are rarely popular. But we will always teach the truth!” Russel Nelson, September 2019

“The prophets of the Lord have made several statements as to the operation of the principle. President Brigham Young said:
"Why are so many of the inhabitants of the earth cursed with a skin of blackness? It comes in consequence of their fathers rejecting the power of the holy priesthood, and the law of God. They will go down to death. And when all the rest of the children have received their blessings in the holy priesthood, then that curse will be removed from the seed of Cain, and they will then come up and possess the priesthood, and receive all the blessings which we now are entitled to." The First Presidency, August 1949

I like to give titles to dynasty members. I open the list in a window. As soon as I give a title, the window closes. This is a change from the last update. I have to start over scrolling past names to find where I left off.

And battles are the worst. A window always pops up during a battle but behind the battle window. I have to close the battle window to deal with the popup. Four popups during a battle is common. It’s annoying.

And the events window can’t be moved. Notice windows cover the events window. Sometimes 50 if more will pop. It can take several minutes for them all to show and more time for them to disappear. I don’t mind hitting X on the notices but. The X can shift between them. I just have to walk away for a while.

Why can’t I click one button to accept all extorted money at full strength. It can take 100 clicks or more to clear. There’s one for mass ransom but it doesn’t always work. I wish there were one to mass pardon.

What is the meaning of a list by relevance. Default of courtiers should be age. Default for marriage potentials should be alliance power. Default for heir should be vote score. Lists by relevance is always irrelevant.

I love this game but some of the mechanics suck.

I don’t really oppose the church as much as much I oppose aspects of it. I oppose misogyny, racism, homophobia and dishonesty. These are key elements of the Mormon church but my opposition ends when the church gives them up. I do give it credit when it act for good. I’m well aware that it does more harm than good. But I’m not any-Mormon. I’m just anti-racist-homophobic-misogynistic-dishonesty.

This week I had one TBM bear his testimony and one blame homophobia on God. The one declared he had faith. I asked if he had faith man would never reach the moon. It’s like he had no idea what Mormon prophets have taught. The other one is just a sad bigot who has no boundaries on the evil he will defend. The church really produces some terrible people. It’s so cringy to think I used to be like that.