Hey so I don’t know if I actually, like… LIKE composing.
“Composing” the noun, maybe. The verb? Not so much.
For context, I’m entering my fourth year of undergrad as a comp major. It’s a state school in LA, not a conservatory or anything crazy, but there’s lots of great folks here. The degree is weirdly laid out, so I actually haven’t even had lessons yet, and have barely done any actual intensive comp classes. The vast majority of my musical engagements have been playing bassoon and clarinet in ensembles. Most of my classes are just talking about composition, not actual assignments to write certain things, which is frustrating to me.
I have always been a professional idea-haver. Constantly, my mind is coming up with ideas for new pieces of music that I would love to see exist. This also applies to video games, and I always thought it would be fun to make games, but music is the field I found myself in, and so composing seemed like a great outlet to make ideas come to life.
But like, there’s obviously a difference between enjoying having ideas and enjoying the creative process. And unfortunately, I think I see the creative process as more of a means to an end rather than the goal itself. I hardly ever compose music anymore, at least since starting college. 90% of the time, it brings anxiety. It’s a place where good ideas go to die. Even with writing (words and write-ups, not music), I start with an idea that excites me and then the creative process becomes the test to see if I can pull it off rather than a place where ideas are born and changed.
This summer, I told myself, would be a summer of composing and preparing for my recital. I was gonna write a brass quintet, but unlike any project I’ve done before, I was gonna commit to writing a little bit every day whether or not I wanted to. And it worked! The piece is done. Maybe it’s not my favorite thing in the portfolio, but it’s something. Once it was finished though, this routine ended. I was left with the question “should I really need to force myself to do something I allegedly enjoy?”
I often feel that my peers who really love what they do value the process over the product. The time spent over their staff paper and piano, tinkering and playing with ideas until sparks start to fly. And sure, I’ve had similar experiences from time to time, but I feel as if I value the potential of a creation more than the process itself. It’s always more exciting in my head. Is this caused by the gap between my current abilities and my capacity for imagination? It’s likely. Is the gap worth closing though? I don’t know.
I have also been feeling increasingly disillusioned by the institutions around me. The new music scene, to me, reeks of elitism. Art that impacts the lives of virtually nobody besides those who have already bought into it. I want the things that I do to matter, not just serve a feedback loop of high artistry. I’m strongly considering becoming, like, a grade school science teacher after my degree. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for way longer than music, and I would actually be affecting the world in a small but tangible way.
I also feel like such an imposter all the time, not because my skills are poor, but because I just don’t care enough and one day I’ll be “exposed” for it. I hardly ever listen to new music I haven’t heard before. I mean, that’s like the bare minimum for composers right? I have little interest in attending concerts and exploring music online. The music I do actually enjoy is music I’ve played in ensembles, basically music I was forced to hear over and over again until I grew to love it. I try sometimes to expose myself to new things but it just takes so much mental energy. I dunno. Maybe I’m broken.
To be honest, the comments I’m hoping to get to this post are “yeah, sounds like you don’t actually like composing!” because I guess that would vindicate my feelings. But maybe I actually AM a composer underneath all the anxiety, I just haven’t opened the floodgates yet. I kinda hope that isn’t the case, because then it will have meant I wasted all of college doing basically nothing.
I chose this path because it was the path of least resistance. I liked composition somewhat and everyone said I could succeed, so here we are. I never wanted to be a professional musician, it was never a dream of mine. I’ve just always been good enough at music to get by. And I’d like to keep playing in my career as well. I played bassoon on Sweeney Todd earlier this year and I would love to keep doing stuff like that, because the value is more readily apparent, unlike composing where it feels like this grand personal statement that needs to be self-justifying.
As I enter my final year, I am conflicted. Do I give composing my all, or do I resign myself to the reality that I probably will pursue something else afterwards? I’m nervous about my professors and peers thinking that I’m not passionate or dedicated enough and that I don’t belong. But part of me doesn’t want to belong.
I’m gonna cut myself off here, for fear this devolves into an endless thought spiral. If anyone has any comments, I’m all ears. Thanks for reading.