u/send_help23

Finally starting to feel relief.

I had to go no contact back in July. Through July he reached out over and over, finally stopped when he realized he couldn’t get through my boundary. He never apologized in any of those attempts. He never expressed a desire to talk it out. He only said things that were demanding I break my silence or chaotic to get my sympathy. Even said his cat died as his last desperate attempt, which I kind of doubt?

Anyways, it was hard. Missing him seemed harder. I was still checking in on his socials, which was just prolonging everything. I finally blocked his socials a few weeks ago and have remained free from checking. This has been good for me. There have been days I don’t think of him now. I did drive past his house by accident yesterday (thanks gps/quickest route 🥴) but even then, sure I looked over and saw his car, but I still came home and had a day where I mostly didn’t think about him. So this method of removing the checking seems to be working. I also deleted his pictures I had saved, so now the sharpness of the memory is fading a bit.

Unfortunately I don’t believe he will get sober. I HOPE he can, but I know the likelihood is very low. When I hear other success stories and the depths they were in, sometimes I think it might be possible. Anyways, that’s not for me to determine. I just wanted to share it’s feeling a little better. I will still likely be at risk of running into him indefinitely due to where he works and I have no idea of what will happen if I do, but I won’t give that space in my mind for now.

I also stopped drinking entirely, even though I only had 1 or 2 a week or every other week. This has helped a lot too. It’s been over 40 days, I’ve stopped counting, I know I don’t want it anymore. Ordered my first mocktail at a bar with my friends and it was all fine. Even talked with one who doesn’t drink either and we realized the little drinking we did was just to lighten overstimulation in social environments. That was good to hear someone else realize too. She’s been a positive person with not drinking, very thankful for her. I’d like to meet more people who don’t drink in the future ❤️‍🩹

Hello! I’ve posted in here a few times, but back today with an update and some questions at the end.

Unfortunately I’m still missing my Q after going no contact. I finally made the decision to delete his photos and block his socials so I can’t check on him anymore. I’m trying to let him go, it’s just hard. I wake in the middle of the night sometimes and worry for him, but I know I can do nothing.

I’m trying to take back my rest and sleep schedule. Today, after deleting and blocking yesterday, I’m missing him maybe a little extra. Remembering our moments as friends before we dated and I found out the truth. I never really thought he wouldn’t be in my life. When I met him it felt like one of those people that would always be there if that makes any sense.

Today I’m trying to focus in on myself whenever my mind goes to thoughts of him. I’m trying to give myself the love and care I deserve. I’ve been burnt out since my experiences with him and if I’m ever going to get myself back to a good spot, I’ve got to pour back into myself.

So I was wondering, for those who have found ways to do this, what are your go-to forms of self-care?

How do you intentionally make time for rest?

How do you personally pour the love and care back into yourself?

I need to work on this area of life. I’ve got great cleaning routines, workout routines, etc. but a rest routine or sleep routine? Basically nonexistent, and I know my mind and body need rest after my experiences.

Very specific question here, but did any of you guys notice that you began to change your outer appearance to match yourself as you healed with EMDR?

I had this revelation last night about how much I’ve changed externally after healing internally. I’ve been focused on the word “integration” for the year anyways, but I don’t think it would be possible without EMDR. I wonder if EMDR therapists notice this pattern 🧐

Two months ago, I walked away from a brief relationship with a man I had known as a friend for a year. When I first met him at his job he told me about having epilepsy and his decade of sobriety. I thought the world of him, he was so sweet and funny, seemed to have overcome so much. Then suddenly he disappeared for 7 months from his job where I would see him all the time. We hadn’t exchanged numbers so I had no way to reach out. I was so sad, I didn’t know what happened, I worried for his medical condition and I worried for his sobriety.

7 months later I saw him again at a new business nearby. I went in, and he immediately came to me, sat down, and told me what happened. I was so relieved he was alive and seemed like himself. That night he began to pursue me, we exchanged numbers, and I was so thrilled.

Then I dated him (briefly as I realized QUICK)…

Our first date at 10:30am included him with a drink in his hand over breakfast. It was his day off so I just wrote it off as an odd thing. Then I went to his house. Used an old tequila bottle with tape on it to ensure he knows that bottle was water. Had an alcohol bottle per room on table tops throughout his house, which is something I’ve never seen before. Next to his water bottle was a tequila bottle and a little gray cup with a lid. He had alcohol boxes in the house and said they were for his cats. But he did have Underberg boxes he was saving his caps in. He was drinking Underbergs to “collect enough caps to get the large truck collectors item”…. 25,000 caps to get that.

One night early on I accidentally fell asleep over there. He woke in the middle of the night, shaking and sweating. He began taking a sip from the gray cup by his bed, I thought it was water. He spilled it another time it happened, it was tequila. I smelled it.

I’ve never experienced anything like this. I know about substance use, I’ve worked with those recovering, but did not know what it looked like outside of recovery or laying next to me at night 💔

What I’m still grappling with is the sweet memories, the sweet inner child he shared with me. I think I’m reaching a place of acceptance in the grief of that sweet boy and how inaccessible he is, but it still sucks when I’ve shared about what happens with a friend or my therapist they’re immediately protective of me by speaking negatively of him. I understand this, but from this experience I developed this really (almost depressing) level of empathy and compassion for this condition. He told me his story/childhood, it wasn’t a surprise he’d want to drink that away, but OH MY GOD he was so so lovable and in his self-talk I could tell he didn’t believe that at all.

The other piece I’m struggling with is the medical conditions. When I first met this guy I believed him that he had epilepsy. I even read about epilepsy and wanted to be sure I knew what to do if we grew closer. I was ready to accept that, love him through that, etc. However, after realizing everything… I see that it was likely he had seizures from alcohol and kratom use. He told me he used kratom daily (I didn’t know much about kratom then), clearly used alcohol daily, and was sober for 12 years from heroin and crack. But he was literally taking prescribed medication for epilepsy AND he said he has tremors in his hands his whole life, but is prescribed blood pressure medications for it. When his hands would begin shaking, he’d take that and drink. He takes his epilepsy meds at the same time daily, even setting an alarm on his phone. When I looked stuff like this up it says alcohol and kratom use lower the seizure threshold. So was he lying entirely and taking something unprescribed, or did he really induce epilepsy and is now on meds?

My heart feels so cracked open. I feel vulnerable. I’ve done so much work on myself before this. I’ve been consistently in EMDR and healing so well. When I realized what I was dealing with so quick, I also noticed early signs of abuse in dating so I went no contact completely and immediately once I put it all together. I’ve held the boundary/no contact for 2 months. It wasn’t hard for the first month as he kept reaching out and I could even read/notice his words he was trying to use to pull me back in. However now that he is silent for the last month, that’s been more difficult for some reason. Maybe because it finally gave me space to begin grieving, but I just feel so guilty for walking away with no closure as that’s not the type of person I am. I know he would not be able to tolerate the closure, but I hate to think he would ever think he’s unlovable. I know I can’t change that within him either though so closure won’t help that.

It’s just hard after all the work I’ve done on myself, i am able to hold the boundary and know I can’t return, but the part of me that would have returned many years ago feels so utterly torn up by this. I don’t know what to do for that part of me. I know I won’t break no contact, but what do I do with this aching portion? I didn’t abandon myself, my boundaries, or my needs, which is huge. But it still hurts to know he’s suffering.

I just need to know that someone else here gets it. I think I need to attend an AI anon meeting or something, but I’m nervous to do it alone if I’m honest.

Hey there! I am wondering if donut dungeon is still going? I remember hearing it was a sober space for those who enjoy metal and I think that’s something I really need right now. And would it be a safe space for a little lady?

If it’s not up and going, is there an alternative?

Thanks in advance 🖤

I’ve been tempted to daydream over someone recently as the relationship didn’t turn out the way I hoped and my brain is wanting to daydream to control it/change it to what I want it to be. Basically trying to give it a different hopeful ending as he ended up being a very physically sick alcoholic and I had to exit, but my mind is like, “What if he recovered? Daydream his recovery”.

Thankfully I’m in therapy, EMDR therapy, which I think has helped. When my mind keeps bringing up the idea of daydreaming somehow I have found the moment/silence before I do it and I feel like I’m looking at myself really honestly in that space. I told myself, “If you daydream, then you have to be honest”. As if I made a pact with myself. So when I have daydreamed in response to my mind desiring to about him, I let him be exactly what he is. I portray him only as someone struggling with addiction rather than someone recovered, as lying to myself would just make this worse. Then the daydream isn’t fantasy to avoid the truth anymore.

Anyways, I just wanted to share. I think EMDR is what has helped me find the space in daydreaming to think before and actively use this struggle as something that helps me integrate struggles with reality in to my mind.

In EMDR it’s been a lot of visualizing different parts of myself and I’ve recently had the visualization in therapy of sitting on a bench with my younger self as we observe those who come into our life and then decide if we are going to get up from the bench to play with a new friend. Observing is watching for their safety, consistency, etc. If I get up to go play and find out they aren’t safe, I return to the bench and my adult self protects me. I feel like my ability to visualize from daydreaming almost becomes a super power in healing in EMDR. Daydreaming has always been my way of processing interactions in my day to day life anyways, ever since I was a child. It becomes maladaptive when I try to predict the ending, visualize a future that hasn’t happened yet, that has caused me the most pain.

I wonder if anyone else can relate to any of this?

I’ve had a million more realizations and visualizations in EMDR, happy to answer questions about that therapy if this sparks any. Sending love to this community as I’m very thankful to have found others who do this as I thought I was weird and alone in it much of my life.

Going to my first emo night at the Burl soon with some of my friends (group of ladies). What can we expect?

Edit to add: basically wondering if wearing boots or something heeled is a bad idea? Will myself and my ankles be going in two different directions? Will I be launched across the room by a mosh pit?
Is it a cover band? Is it a DJ? Is it Patrick, some rando old drummer guy who likes emo that thinks he can play anything?
If we roll up like scene kids are they gonna play NeverShoutNever as entrance music and then drop us in to hardcore metal riffs?

TL;DR: What do they, in fact, be doin at the emo night?

Hello! I’m looking for a tattoo artist in Lex who would be open to adding to my tattoo.

I got a beautiful tattoo in Portland, Oregon last year from a walk in appointment while I was on a trip. I love it so much and want to add on to the vine that’s already there, basically extend it. I have other plans of things I’d like to add, but want to start with the vine first. I’m hoping to find someone I can keep returning to as I’d like to have this piece be larger and eventually get another larger tattoo in a different area.

Are there tattoo artists any of you all would recommend who are open to adding on? And are they really good at vines/plants or line work? 🧐 I am likely staying with black line work.