u/shouting_rectrum

There’s this homeless guy that’s fine with his situation and refuses help. I’ve offered meals, my bedroom, a joint and he just keeps on refusing. This is costing me my sleep. My crazy desire to be altruistic is ruining my life. What can I do? Do you think catching him and force feeding him Mighty Taco would satisfy my own desires? I’m just trying to be a good neighbor and that guy is being an asshole!

Before you get your panties in a bunch, I was a passenger. This said, please bow your heads in reverence for the absolute main character of Elmwood Village, captured live in the wild outside the local Ace Hardware. Why let the trivial burden of operating a two-ton motor vehicle interrupt your mid-afternoon doomscrolling session?

As clearly documented, the optimal way to navigate our city streets is to abandon your Hyundai at whatever angle it happened to stop rolling. But it gets infinitely better. We have achieved a level of vehicular detachment so profound that the driver has completely dismounted the vehicle in the middle of the pavement just to stare intently at a glowing green rectangle. Who cares if you're holding up traffic, blocking a commercial driveway, or routinely coasting through red lights at a blistering 20 mph? The timeline simply waits for no one!

Honestly, I'm just impressed. It takes a special kind of multitasking to cause a rolling roadblock while simultaneously catching up on the group chat. Keep up the great work, hero. The rest of us will just intuitively guess where your SUV is drifting next.

Where the hell do I go if I want to grab just a beer or two? Izakaya are food - I don’t mind otoshi but seems like any expect your to also get food. When I search for bars, I get mostly actual cocktail and such bars.

https://preview.redd.it/nydnoguf32ih1.png?width=1570&format=png&auto=webp&s=ae5af495da233076ec444c159bed8dca062c451e

Bit confused - a while back when I booked this, it showed the normal THC $100 credit but now it also shows a minimum 3 night stay to get the credit? Is this "Special Offer" credit in addition to the normal credit?

Trying to place an order to move four lines to a business account. When I add the four lines as BYOD, cart doesn't show any promos applied. Is this normal?

Hold onto your Blue, fuckers. I actually read the thread this time, and it's even funnier than we thought. They aren't worried about break-ins; they're absolutely terrified of the sky!!! wtf!!!!!

This genius is moving from a "big city" and wants to know what we do with our cars during a snowstorm since apartments here don't have underground parking. "is it OK to leave your car out in the open 365 days a year? how much will it damage your car?"

What do we do with them? We bring them inside, pour them a warm cup of Timmy, and tuck them into bed, duh! Or better yet, we just drive them straight into Lake Erie every November and dredge them back out in May. It's the circle of life!

Imagine being from a "big city" and thinking a little lake effect snow is going to dissolve your Hyundai on contact. Yes, my guy, the precipitation here is highly corrosive. If you leave it exposed to the elements, it immediately disintegrates into a pile of rust and road salt, leaving only your "Keep Buffalo a Secret" bumper sticker behind.

Buy a $5 snowbrush and a scraper at Wegmans like the rest of us peasants, or stay in your "big city" with your fancy climate-controlled garages!

I literally just warned you all!

Now we have an active Army of the 12 Monkeys operative in /r/Buffalo asking for "recommendations" on which animal shelter to case next. Nice attempted cover as “student”, /u/steel-and-concrete.

They're getting bold, folks. "Oh, I just want to walk dogs and help out" —YEAH RIGHT. That is exactly what an eco-terrorist planning to unleash the SPCA's entire iguana population onto the 190 North would say. First, the attempted breach at 10 Lives, and now they are literally crowdsourcing their next target on Reddit.

The apocalypse is starting in Buffalo, people. Keep your eyes peeled for anyone acting suspicious around the guinea pigs. The virus is next!

Wake up, sheeple! Someone just tried to bust into 10 Lives. I repeat, they are targeting the cat lounges! This isn't just your average 3 AM Elmwood stumble-around - this is a coordinated, full-blown Army of the 12 Monkeys animal liberation plot. 

Brad Pitt is probably sprinting down Delaware Avenue in a bathrobe as we speak. First, they free the rescue cats. Next thing you know, they’re storming the zoo and releasing the polar bears straight onto the Scajaquada.

Stockpile your wings, check your basements, and lock your doors. The feline uprising is imminent. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Listen up, you uncultured swine standing in line at SEFCU or whatever local credit union you think makes you a "true Buffalonian."

I know the local pastime is crying about snow plows and acting like Grover Cleveland is going to resurrect to save the canal, but I have seen the light. And the light is beaming out of a completely empty, sterile "Wealth Center" next to a strip mall on Transit Road.

That's right, I’m talking about the HSBC Amherst Wealth Center.

You peasants are out here trying to figure out if you can afford to buy a single share of Josh Allen's new energy drink, while I’m rolling into 8100 Transit Rd. like I'm a Saudi Prince on a Tuesday morning. Do I need an appointment? Probably. Do I make one? Absolutely not. I just walk in, enjoy the wheelchair-accessible lobby, and pretend I have "global assets" to protect.

You think this is a joke? No irony here. I live in Upstate Western New York and I unironically hold an HSBC Premier account.

Why? Because I need a bank that matches my chaotic energy.

You want two-factor authentication that makes sense? Too bad! We use physical battery-powered security tokens from 2008 and log out just to log back in.

You want to buy partial ETF shares? Go back to Robinhood, you child. We pay $10.99 flat fees per trade like God intended.

You want to deposit a check on your phone? Better hope the moon is in retrograde and you’ve sacrificed a goat to the camera permissions god.

But guess what? While you’re paying foreign transaction fees in Canada, I’m moving my money through an offshore Expat account in 8 different currencies before lunch.

So keep your local flavor. I’ll be at the only Wealth Center within 400 miles, sitting in the 24-hour ATM vestibule, sipping Ippodo tea, and getting my documents notarized by a Relationship Manager who is just as confused as I am about why we are in Amherst.

Stay mad.

Hey, my car battery is dead and I need someone to come jump it immediately. 

And before you even suggest it: NO, I am not going to ask the guy currently mowing his lawn next door. What is wrong with you people? Asking a neighbor or politely waving down a passerby requires actual, real-life social interaction. I don't know those people!

Instead, I think the much safer and more logical option is to broadcast my vulnerable situation to a forum of anonymous internet strangers. I feel infinitely more secure waiting for an unvetted Redditor with username ⁠PM_ME_UR_CHICKEN_WINGS⁠ to roll up to my exact GPS coordinates with a set of rusty cables than simply tapping on the window of the mail truck parked in front of my house. 

Please hurry. I've been sitting in my car watching six different neighbors come and go, but I'd rather slowly wither away than have an awkward 30-second conversation with Dave from across the street.

Only /u/Winter-Truck-4223 would feel my pain!

Edit: Must have a minimum of 50,000 karma for me to roll down my window.

Folks, let me tell you about Niagara Square. Beautiful square, tremendous history. It was designed perfectly by very smart people—two lanes, maybe more, beautiful wide lanes. But the failing city planners with their so-called "major makeover", they look at us and they say, "We don't trust them to switch lanes." Excuse me? The great drivers of Western New York know how to switch lanes better than anyone in the world! Everyone knows it. 

But they ruined it, folks. They took a perfect traffic circle and completely destroyed it. Sad! And you know what's going to happen next? I’ll tell you what’s going to happen. MASSIVE BACKUPS. It’s going to be backed up all the way to Canada, believe me. It's a total disaster.

Just look at what they did to Gates Circle. Remember Gates Circle? Beautiful place, practically perfect. They screwed it up completely, folks, completely screwed it up. Now you drive down Delaware Avenue and it's a total disaster area. Huge backups. People call me, big strong guys with tears in their eyes, and they say, "Sir, the backups on Delaware are the worst I've ever seen."

And now they're bringing that same failing, low-IQ design to Niagara Square! They want to trap you in one lane forever! They don't want you to have freedom of movement. It's terrible! We have to MAKE BUFFALO TRAFFIC CIRCLES GREAT AGAIN! 🏎️🇺🇸

As a progressive who literally shakes at the thought of the police state, I am absolutely furious.

When the city installed those police cameras, I was the first one out there protesting. I explicitly said they were an invasion of our privacy! A fascist panopticon designed to spy on citizens! A tool of the oppressive capitalist machine!

But guys... there was a street takeover on E. Delavan on the 4th of July, and the BPD didn't use those exact same dystopian spy cameras to proactively shut it down? What the hell?!

I demand to know why the police aren't heavily staffing a high-tech surveillance room to instantly deploy a massive police presence to every gathering! I know I spent all of 2020 screaming to defund them and complaining that the cameras were an Orwellian nightmare, but I meant they shouldn't spy on me. They should absolutely be using 1984-level tech to immediately arrest people making noise on a holiday.

Also, I've heard the cameras are broken or run on outdated IT infrastructure. If I'm going to be subjected to a surveillance state, the city could at least properly fund the police department I constantly sign petitions to defund!

Do better, Byron!

We demand high-resolution, proactively monitored oppression!

I am absolutely devastated. I woke up this morning to find out that a crumbling, unpainted concrete box at Wehrle and Union has been damaged.

Sure, it was literally just a windowless cinderblock dive bar that hadn't even been open in a year. Sure, it looked like it was held together entirely by structural mold and the lingering smell of spilled Labatt. But you uncultured transplants just don't understand!

This was an ICON!

It's right up there with the Guaranty Building, the Darwin Martin House, and the Richardson Olmsted Campus. Where else are we supposed to romanticize drinking cheap pitchers by a fireplace in a building that objectively looked like a defunct auto garage?

If they don't rebuild those CMU blocks exactly as they were - slightly crooked and stained by decades of exhaust fumes - Buffalo has officially lost its soul. The architectural heritage of this city is under attack. RIP to a historic monument of early adulthood alcoholism.

Listen up, bootlickers. We all know that corporations are inherently evil and the capitalist machine is grinding the working class of this city into dust. I usually spend my days on here complaining about how developers are ruining Elmwood and how every business is just a greedy monopoly trying to squeeze us dry.

BUT... have you guys seen how our benevolent overlords at Delta Sonic are brutally undercutting the competition right now? It’s amazing! They are using their massive corporate weight to absolutely crush those independent corner gas stations.

Sure, a regional behemoth using predatory pricing to drive out local competitors and consolidate market share is textbook monopolistic behavior... but I just filled up my Crosstrek for $3.29 a gallon!

God bless the invisible hand of the free market, but only when it makes my drive out to the gorge slightly cheaper. Otherwise, eat the rich! (Except the guy who owns Delta Sonic, he's a man of the people today).

Upvotes to the left if you hate corporate greed but love corporate gas wars.

Guys, I am literally shaking. First they come for our Kias, and now the feral youths are out here... aggressively freshening us up? Is nowhere safe anymore?!

Here is what we know about the suspect: Location: The Boulevard Target parking lot (already a post-apocalyptic, lawless stroad of traffic).

The Perp: A "punk teenager" with Level 99 stealth capabilities and an affinity for coniferous scents. Weapon of Choice: A tactical Car-Freshner "Little Tree" (Royal Pine, obviously) or perhaps a rag soaked in pure, uncut Pine-Sol.

Is this a new gang initiation? A TikTok challenge? Are the teens trying to mask the scent of the impending suburban decay?

If Daddy Ryan doesn't immediately hold a press conference to address the rogue arborists assaulting our shoulders in Amherst, I’m packing up and moving to South Carolina with the rest of the halfbacks.

Stay safe out there, folks. Keep your windows rolled up, lock your doors, and if you suddenly smell Christmas in July... floor it.

It finally happened! Banned for 10 days from the main sub because apparently "retarded" is a "poor choice of words" that shatters their delicate sensibilities. Softest mods on the internet. Watch your vocabulary out there, guys.

Then the cowards immediately slapped me with a 28-day modmail mute so I couldn't even reply to the message.

Every Thursday around 6pm I see the empty side of the block and two blocks up and down from me fill up the cars despite at least three signs per block listing the no parking times. I then see many come back and be upset about the ticket.

I have questions if you’re one of those people, why do you do this? Do you just not see the signs? Do you see the signs and choose to disregard them? Do you think you’ve discovered some hidden gem where no one parks on one side but it’s ok for you to park? Do your spidey senses not go off and tell you to look deeper when you see no one else parked on that empty side? Do you also disregard the you’ll be towed signs when you park in business lots and go elsewhere?

Did a split payment with two plats using PayPal - 4/4 chat and 2/2 phone denied credit because via PayPal.