u/sickfroggy

In the corner of my eye, standing right there. Sometimes he doesnt move and just looks at me. Sometimes he just walks off and it disappears. On the rare occasions it even waves at me and vanishes right after. Last night it called my name and when I looked it disappeared again. It’s scarier than my nightmares of him. Where he drags my arm back into the car.

I dont know how much longer I can deal with this.

I am pretty sure my dad NPD or the personality kind, but I can’t be sure bc I am not a doctor.

Growing up my dad would be mean to me and my mom, then turn around and buy us gifts later. The biggest example was him yelling at my mom that she was stupid and wasting his money over and over for months, then bought a new car for her on Christmas.

For myself, he’d ignore me for days or call me names in a similar vein, then buy me robux or a new toy. At the time I thought, “Wow Dad is so nice! Sure he can be mean but he gets me new stuff all the time so I should’t complain since Im spoiled.” My mom used this to defend him and I copied her because well, I was a child. My mom would say the same thing but acknowledged later that it wasn’t okay when I was an adult.

It really threw me off because I thought that was his way of saying sorry. However, I recalled how he’d hold it over my head by threatening to take it away whenever he was in a bad mood, or for no reason.

Anyone else deal with this?

I was raped on April 26th of this year, and tried to distance myself via a summer program and work. Yesterday got he got really upset at me (swearing), then 5 minutes later said he’s not mad anymore and that it hurt his feelings. I think he knows what he did because he said, “I thought you needed space due to a past event between us”.

Admittedly I had a really bad panic attack that worried my mom. She helped me calm down then said, “See? I knew I was right, he likes you. Thats why he was so upset.” Then she went on to say the reason he forgave me so quickly is due to him having a crush on me. She already said that the only reason he only wanted to hook up is because I’m too young to “show off”. (Im 21 he’s 26).

I get that shes trying to help me feel better, but it just made me feel worse. What kind of a guy would rape his crush? I dont know, it just felt off and gross.

I was assaulted in late April this year by my friend. Ever since then, my body is constantly hurting. My chest feels like its being stabbed, my crotch and lower belly has constant cramps and shooting pains. My entire stomach hurts all the time, especially when I eat or drink.

I went to the ER because it had gotten so bad, I thought it was a physical issue. Turns out it’s entirely psychological but they gave me pain meds and suggested I go to therapy for my panic attacks.

It’s driving me insane, I can barely stand some days, can’t eat at all for some too.

Im looking into EMDR for this but if that doesn’t work I’m out of ideas. I feel so hopeless.

I am nowhere near ready to begin dating again, but I don’t even think I should bother. I feel like broken or damaged goods.

I have trauma from COCSA at 11 and rape at 21. I can’t handle touching 99% of the time and I can’t handle PIV either. Who would want me? I have so much baggage I don’t think anything I would offer would make it worth anyones time. Anyone else feel this way?

I feel disgusting and that everyone around me will be made disgusting too if I come near. I can’t even touch my family without feeling like Im making them dirty. I scrubbed my skin for over an hour and I still felt like dirt and filth was clinging onto me. I feel like i am going to be gross forever no matter what I do.