u/sicsweet

I have decided to get sober. I think I can do this. I think that I have to. I am scared though. I'm already mourning the life that I had before.

I am scared that by not using it will cause my connections with my friends to change, and I may lose them. so much of our time together involves using, pregaming, going out to clubs, and just bonding while using. I'm 18, and in college, and so many of my friends are still trying to party and have their fun. I don't want to be the only one that isn't. I know that I could be at these gatherings while sober, but it's different when you're not partaking. there is less of a bond.

I'm an anxious person too. using makes social events so much easier. drinking makes conversations flow, using makes me comfortable existing and dancing when out or at the club. beyond anxiety, it makes everything feel more enjoyable. music, art, food, it all just feels elevated. I know that these things can be enjoyed without it, but I'm going to miss that extra feeling.

I am scared that I won't feel okay sober. I struggle with my mental health and using has been a crutch for me for so long. I'm not sure I know how to exist and live with myself sober. I've done counseling before, but I'm not sure it helped yet. I'm starting it again soon anyway, it's all I know to do that seems healthy and possibly helpful.

I don't think I'll miss feeling reliant on external objects or substances. I won't miss stressing about how I'll get or afford substances. I won't miss the hangovers, lost memories, or withdrawals. I won't miss the bad connections I made just because we both used.

I'm not really sure why I'm sharing this, maybe just to put it down somewhere. I have a lot of uncertainty about getting clean and sober, but I'm hoping it'll turn out to be okay.

listen, I may be getting ahead of myself here, but I think I can do this. I think that I have to. I am scared though. I'm already mourning the life that I had before.

I am scared that by not using it will cause my connections with my friends to change, and I may lose them. so much of our time together involves using, pregaming, going out to clubs, and just bonding while using. I'm 18, and in college, and so many of my friends are still trying to party and have their fun. I don't want to be the only one that isn't. I know that I could be at these gatherings while sober, but it's different when you're not partaking. there is less of a bond.

I'm an anxious person too. using makes social events so much easier. drinking makes conversations flow, using makes me comfortable existing and dancing when out or at the club. beyond anxiety, it makes everything feel more enjoyable. music, art, food, it all just feels elevated. I know that these things can be enjoyed without it, but I'm going to miss that extra feeling.

I am scared that I won't feel okay sober. I struggle with my mental health and using has been a crutch for me for so long. I'm not sure I know how to exist and live with myself sober. I've done counseling before, but I'm not sure it helped yet. I'm starting it again soon anyway, it's all I know to do that seems healthy and possibly helpful.

I don't think I'll miss feeling reliant on external objects or substances. I won't miss stressing about how I'll get or afford substances. I won't miss the hangovers, lost memories, or withdrawals. I won't miss the bad connections I made just because we both used.

I'm not really sure why I'm sharing this, maybe just to put it down somewhere. I have a lot of uncertainty about getting clean and sober, but I'm hoping it'll turn out to be okay.

I don't think I actually want to get better. I love getting high and the nightlife. I hate feeling sick after. I hate the withdrawals. I hate hiding it from my friends. I'm in college and my friends'll comment on it sometimes, ask me why I'm shaking or so tired. I've learned to just keep to myself if I'm withdrawing or something. I'm not gonna be able to keep up with my classes. I stayed away from shit for a while and my tolerance is all kinds of fucked up. I don't know, I'm just really lonely and I know I need to quit but I'm not going to. just want someone to talk to sometimes y'know

last night I got too drunk and I'm not really sure if I took anything or not. I do know that I got separated from my friends and ended up getting raped. I haven't told anyone in my group and I don't think I ever will. I just feel so ashamed because I'd be letting people down if I told them I was drinking or using again.

tonight I got fucked up too because I just feel so awful and to be honest I think I want to die. I'm not sure I want to get better. I just know I'm at a breaking point. either I change or I die. I had almost a month clean but I went and relapsed the day before getting a month. I've been abusing painkillers again for a couple weeks and my cravings have been really bad for different substances. I haven't really told anyone about my issues with addiction. I don't tell them because I know I'll just relapse again and I don't want them to get their hopes up that I'll stay clean.

it's getting harder and harder to function and it's all my fault. I don't really eat anymore either. sometimes I just don't eat as punishment for using. I just feel like such a fuck up already.

I really do feel like I wanted to say more I'm just really exhausted

I'm spiraling. I'm two weeks sober and I wanna get fucked up. I've had a headache for three days and all I'm thinking of is percocet. my mother is in a home and I miss her so much. every time she calls me I get upset and end up crying. I got through my first week of college. I feel like I've made a massive mistake. I can't afford to stay here but if I leave I'd have to go back to my old place. it's a 15 hour drive to there and all I used to do is get high and drunk there. I have a lot of bad memories there. I don't want to go back. campus is dead today and it's making me feel more lonely. it feels like everyone has a home to go back to. I miss all my friends. I miss things I can never get back.

it's only been like two weeks, like this is fucking ridiculous. I feel so stupid for even struggling with this, like how hard is it to not do drugs? so many other people manage just fine. I am mad that I can't seem to do drugs "every once in a while" or control how much I use. I'm not saying I'm a full blown addict, I just struggle a lot with my relationship towards drugs. I don't wanna bring none this up to half my friends because they like to party, and I don't wanna fuck up everybody's mood. the other half I'm scared they're gonna judge me. I don't blame them though, I do this shit to myself. I think I might hate myself.

having a rough time. I'm 15 hours from home, and even if I wasn't, I no longer have a place there anyway. I'm worried that I won't be able to make it, I'd either not be able to afford it or fail out. I don't really have anything else going for me so I really hope I make it. I don't really have any parents to talk to to help me out and I just feel kind of lost. it's not all bad though, even though I'm anxious to start class I'm excited too. I love learning and I'm happy to be in an environment where that's the main focus. for the most part if I don't think about home (or lack thereof) or my friends that I miss then I'm okay. it's just that I been thinking of them a lot today.

hi, I'm drinking alone tonight and would like to talk with someone so I'm not lonely. we can talk about anything you'd like (nothing sexual). some basics, I'm 18, and in EST zone. reach out if you wanna chat more!

I hate myself a lot and it's just really getting to me lately. I been drinking and smoking more heavily. I feel insane amounts of guilt over some family matters. the guilt makes me hate myself more. I feel a lot of pressure to get out of my situation and make it out for good. at the same time I just wanna give up. I give in to all my bad habits and if's been getting worse. just feeling lonely too so thought I'd make a post. sorry if not the right kind for here.

I don't know what to do. I am struggling to live.

my mom had a stroke when I was sixteen. from that point on she hasn't really been able to care for herself, me, or my sister. she's a single mother so it was difficult for all of us. we suffered a lot because she wasn't able to get the care she needed for a while and we were not equipped to handle the situation. we have believed she needed long term care for a while because her mental is not in a place for her to live independently. however, she was cleared once for having a functional mental capacity, and was cleared to return back to work. she then lost her job because of her inability to perform the functions of her work. she was then cleared for a second time for her mental state by the same place. I believe she should have never been cleared and that it is shameful they cleared her twice. she cannot make proper meals for herself, manage her conditions (diabetes, PT/OT), remember info from throughout the day, etc.

it all got worse a couple weeks ago because she crashed and totaled our car (she should not have been driving) and ended up in the hospital. the hospital decided she needed permanent care as well, and she is now in a temporary home before we move her to a permanent location. to remain in one of these places her income needs to be essentially non-livable outside of the home. because of this we need to sell our house before our insurance switches over (we have no health insurance and her stay is currently being covered by auto insurance). I am stressed about the house because I'm going to college out of state soon and I'm scared I'm going to end up without a place to go during breaks and the such. I am also concerned for my sister who is 18, but has mental delays and is behind in a lot. she does not work and we have no connection to our father so we're not sure where she will be able to stay. I feel like everything is just crumbling at once. I hate visiting my mom at the place because I just feel so guilty about everything that she has gone through and what has happened to her. she doesn't understand that she is not coming home and doesn't understand why she is in this situation. she keeps asking when she will be home and saying that she has "us girls" to look after her. I feel so guilty for leaving them all behind for college. I have already put so much on hold when I was caring for her though and it feels unfair to myself to continue that. I miss her so much but even calling her I break down crying and have to mute or call her back. I feel so guilty and ashamed for being selfish and not calling her because I know she likes to hear from us and misses us. I just want my momma really.

then, a little under two weeks ago my friend (17 yro) told me and two other friends that she started doing hard drugs, along with some other very concerning info. she didn't seem to realize the issue with these things and told us that she had been using every day since she first tried the drugs. long story short, our friend had to call the police and she was taken to the hospital. we told her mom everything and they are looking at sending her to rehab. I just had contact with her today for the first time since everything went down, a four minute phone call. she is still very upset with us and thinks we fucked her over because she "didn't plan to use consistently" and she doesn't wanna go to rehab. I don't think we fucked her over. an ex of mine's birthday is tomorrow. she accidentally overdosed under 2 years ago and passed away. she would have been 18. I am not trying to have another person die. even though she is mad at me she still ended the call with our usual love you's, so I'm hoping she will come around. I don't think I will be able to see her before I leave for college. I'm just so scared I fucked up our friendship forever. I am even more scared that she will continue down this path and hurt herself more or die.

I want to get high/drunk so bad but I've spent all my money and I told myself I wanted to get and stay sober for a while at least. I have been high daily for two years minimum. I also struggled with self harm and I have been thinking about relapsing a lot lately. I just feel so stressed out and I want an escape. I have been drawing a little more to try and cope healthier, but I am bad at keeping up with these better alternatives. I'm sorry for the length of this post, I tried keeping it shorter but I had a lot to say. I'm not sure what I want out of this, I just feel really lonely and wanted everything out.