u/snailiee_

im applying to study in warsaw as a an international student but im having reservations about how welcoming the people are. I have lived in Tanzania my whole life and not been to many European countries so Im worried about how i will be received as a black person. I have heard alot about Polish people being particularly hostile to immigrants but I would like to give this a chance. I’m not sure if i am fully prepared to deal with face to face racism, can anyone give me any insight to how it is living there as a person of colour?

making this post in hopes of finding anyone who’s experienced the same or can explain this to me.

Often times when people are discussing depressive symptoms i see the usual talk about suicidal ideation of course and in recent years ive seen more talk about symptoms that are usually chalked up to laziness. The thing is i rarely hear people speak of homicidal ideation?

Im not making this post to seem like some edgelord or whatever im just genuinely looking for some insight and/or support. Alot of depression tests, ones ive undergone and even typical screenings or questions that doctors ask u usually have the same final point: “Have u been having thoughts of harming urself or others”. I feel like there is alot of focus on the first bit that people sort of underlook the second.

As someone who struggles with SI i was wondering if there is similar support or research in people who struggle with HI. Ive never been able to speak to anyone about this for obvious reasons. Mental health is already such a stigmatized issue and I personally have never been able to get proper help from a psychiatrist because of stigmatization on my familys part and fear of being institutionalized.

Its hard to talk about since there are periods of my life where im battling HI more than SI and i just wanted to know if this is an actual symptom of depression recognized by professionals as ive heard mixed opinions and also if theres anyone else who’s experienced smth similar who could offer some guidance. My only way of coping rn is smoking pot so im a bit desperate rn since i might need to quit for college soon.

Anyways sorry if my thoughts seem all over the place, im trying to find the best way to phrase this so i hope this makes sense.

okay so for starters, im like a very far left leaning person and it may seem like its unrelated but i promise its important. anyone who knows me knows im like extremely outspoken when it comes to human rights especially feminism. that being said im also extremely kink and while those two things are not mutually exclusive (rad fems/swerfs/terfs dni) im very ashamed of one of them.

ive always been told im very smart, since i was a little kid i never had to worry abt feeling stupid, and being an confident intelligent little kid tends to invite some unsavory responses from cis men in particular.

im no stranger to men trying to make me feel small or stupid, it comes w the territory, and ive kinda grown to put on this persona of being a very dominant person, quick witted and abrasive but that is the complete opposite of who i am.

after exploring things in the BDSM community i came to found i have a lottt of hard kinks but i think the one im ashamed of the most is one i picked up only recently. Im into bimbofication, the idea of being dumbed down and made to feel stupid or being treated like a brainless pervert was smth i never thought id find so appealing.

i mean i know that fantasies have no say in my actual morals but im a feminist ffs, it feels so embarrassing to think abt or admit that sometimes i do want someone to belittle me and humble me.

im a bisexual so it does make me feel a little better when i imagine this kind of dynamic with a woman, but unfortunately im attracted to men so i cant help but feel disgusted with myself for feeling this, like ive “given in” to the tradwife mind virus or smth.

sure comparatively its not the filthiest thing in the world, i mean theres other stuff i like that people have tried to chalk up to patriarchal brainwashing, but ik that theres no “immorality” in my kinks, and i can just easily explain that w my trauma, but THIS, this is one that i have sworn to take to my grave. I just cant take the embarrassment.

Been in a relationship with this guy for 5 months now, and it’s honestly been really good. He knows I have bpd and has been super supportive it’s scary. He handles my splits really well and has never made me feel crazy or anything like that. Honestly it’s a little suspicious how emotionally intelligent he is?

Like sure I have to explain a few things, especially when im having one of those moments of numbness and my depression gets so bad he doesn’t know what to do, but apart from all that he’s so sweet

So idk why I feel so angry?

My last relationship was super toxic, we argued all the time, and I used to have these horrible splits and i won’t go into detail but I hated him so much, but I worry sometimes that my brain misses the chaos?

Like whenever I am in a horrible mood or me and my current bf have an argument or a disagreement, he handles it super well and that somehow makes me even more mad.

In the past I feel like I would’ve gone out of my way to make the situation worse, to make him give me a reason to lash out on him, but I suppose I’ve grown from that. It’s just that I can’t seem to help but still feel the urge to do that.

His supportiveness genuinely makes me mad, like my brain has been waiting for him to reveal he’s actually horrible or just like my ex or just find a reason to be angry at him. But it’s not like that?

I feel like im destined to ruin this relationship and any relationship I end up in anyway, i feel like a destructive force, i know im not abusive, but I can’t help but feel like a monster whenever he sends a reassuring message or talks me down and all that’s on my mind is how terrible he must secretly be or how bad I wanna hurt him.

Does anyone know how to work thru this?