u/snailpuppyy

This only directed towards other NGU who don't have a caregiver or any parental figures.

How do you control your compulsions?

I have ADHD and a horrible caffeine addiction that will get swapped for a sweets addiction if I try to deal with it. Today I had no coffee (my greatest weakness) and I rummaged the fridge for cookie dough. I then was given sweets later in the day and I did give some of them away, but even as I tried to mentally fight my urge, I ripped open a bag of cookies. I didn't finish them all (thankfully) but it doesn't matter. I still had too much sugar in one day. I'm writing this because I know if I had a mom or dad, I wouldn't be able to endulge so much. My mom outright forbid me from having coffee when I was a chrono-kid. I still feel like a chrono-kid though and I'm a kid who's trusted to keep sweets and have coffee like a grown-up.

Looking for some advice

Internally, I've persistently remained a small girl. No older than eight. And so, internally, I have the aching desire to be praised when I do something deemed good; be comforted when I'm distressed; and have others to play with. I feel so alone. I'm always the one praising, comforting, and caring for myself and it's not difficult anymore. It's just painfully lonely.

It was an unhealthy and rushed dynamic. I offered to be his caregiver out of pity and an adoration for him, he was seeking out affection in dangerous places and I wanted to keep him safe. He was ecstatic but throughout the entire pseudo romantic relationship that lasted about a year, almost all our convos were one-sided, I felt unloved, and unimportant whether he was regressed or not. A pretty big dealbreaker for me was that he had no other caregiver and he told me he didn't, so it hurt more when he slipped up and admitted he had another caregiver the whole time as I was telling him I couldn't be his caregiver anymore. He told me that he cares for me but he never actually showed it. He doesn't understand the difference between showing and telling. It hurts so much. We agreed to still be friends and I told him I loved him after our convo and he didn't say it back. I don't know what to do.

My roleplay partner is an absolute unicorn, but nobody is perfect, and they have this one issue that I'm letting get under my skin just a little. I gotta complain.

Basically, I saw their AD on a roleplaying forum about 2 months ago and I just left a like but didn't reach out because they asked that any potential players write a lot. I have no problem with writing a lot, but for every single post? Nah. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up without it reading unnaturally, especially during dialogue heavy scenes. Plus every time a novella-style roleplayer reached out to me, the roleplays felt unfun and they were mean.

To my delight, they reached out to me soon after I liked their AD and they asked if I was interested.

I told them I was, I just wasn't going to write a lot for every response so I decided not to tell them that.

They told me that they didn't care about that so long as I wasn't just write a couple words or a steady flow of one liners.

With that, an off the cuff dark-fantasy romance blossomed. Their starter was phenomenal. They have an addictive writing style and it blended so well with my own. We both praised each other's writing. But a week or so into the roleplay their writing tanked dramatically. It was the same fun style, but horrible spelling(?) mistakes would throw me off.

"Melons" instead of men.

"My lore" instead of m'lord.

And this is very specific but they wrote this “I’m cuter ask you question about your family, but may I ask you other things?" I had to ask them to clarify and it was supposed to say "I know I can't ask you questions about your family, but may I ask you other things?" They said the reason for all these mistypes is because they're using their tablet. But like, can't they read their posts over before sending them? I find in ironic (not in a mean way) that they value a lot of words and can't bother to make sure those words are used correctly.

The roleplay is going on a while and I really enjoy it, this is just something that bugs me because they're a great writer and these mistypes are in every post now. They're just not reading what they write. I don't get it.

Today he had a nightmare and he thought his stuffie got stolen, so he was very distressed. I tried to comfort him but it was as if I wasn't even there. Nothing I said seemed to be taken in until I told him I had to go back to work. This happens all the time. I feel utterly useless as a caregiver (I don't express that to him though) but he always says I'm his favorite person and whatnot. I just don't feel like I am when he still has a different caregiver who is able to break through, get him to listen, and comfort him.

My dad sexually, physically, verbally, and emotionally abused me for as long as I can remember until I told on him when I was 9. I didn't remember exactly the things I was saying then until I got a refresher by my caseworker just two days ago. I'm 20 now and my case is still open because my dad and his defense are bullshitters.

Anyway, seeing the video of my interview made me cry. I was so innocent and I was left wondering how he could do something like that to me? I spoke in a raspy little voice, enthusiastic about reading and playing soccer. When I was handed the clipboard to jot things down, I crossed my leg to rest the clipboard on my knee as I wrote. I had great penmanship for my age. I had to sit on the edge of the chair so my feet could touch the floor. So how could he do that to me? How could he hurt me so much? When asked if there were any knives in the house I said "there's kitchen knives but no killing knives" and when asked if my father did drugs I said "There's some green stuff he gets and cuts up with big scissors. Is that called weed? I think it's drugs." So how could he do that to me? Of course all he got out of hurting me back then was tears. He got tears then and he's getting tears 11 years later. Doesn't it get old? I'll have closure when he says he's sorry for what he's done to me.

My trial date was supposed to be on the 20th, and I got a call today stating it'd be moved again because apparently 11 years wasn't enough time for his defense team to read the CPS documents. I'm so tired.

It feels that the only way to make friendships last long or become more intimate (not in that way) is being the "mom friend." It's exhausting but it keeps people around while just being myself makes people drift away much quicker. What gives? I feel so lonely and completely unequipped for a social life because of this.