u/solitudanrian

I know nothing about my suburb, town, state. No information that only locals would know. No memories/experiences past 14. No relatable experiences of events or going/doing X at a certain ages so I can't relate to any of my peers my age who grew up here. Who have travelled more than 45mins from home at any time in the last 15 years.

Skirting around how useless I am, jobless and living with my parents at 29 with little to no skills when visiting family is humiliating and exhausting. Or even talking about it with health professionals, it's just so... Like, I absolutely dread hair cuts because how the fuck do you respond to "so what's on for today?" when you have literally NO life.

Ironically, at this point, the humiliation of the state of my life is a significant part of why I'm still agoraphobic and never want to be around people.

I didn't know it was unmodded!! I would've modded!! What the heck!!!

I'm at my wits end. I've been binding for 10 years now and it's getting ridiculous. I take it off at home and wear my old, basically useless binder or a tight sports bra unless I'm having a bad time with dysphoria which I have been for the last 6 months so I'm wearing my proper one entirely too much like I used to when I was younger. Now it hurts to fully inhale without my binder. It's been like that for a while but I've only just recently realised the connection.

All that said, I don't know when I'll have the money to get it through health insurance and out of pocket and I can't keep going on like this. My GP knows F all about trans people let alone SRS and we don't talk about it aside from me getting my shots. I don't know who else to ask. At least I'd have some kind of definite idea of having top surgery and something to work towards / stay alive for.

Capsicum. Just capsicum, onion, and garlic basically plus chillies if you're into that but I can't do spicy (yet). I've been thinking it's this whole bunch of flavours that I don't like but it's made of the powder of one of the only vegetables I like.

I got my ready to eat chicken substituted for the same thing but in peri peri flavour and I just said fuck it, I'll try it. It was delicious!!

I've never been around people who were nice about being big. I developed extreme social anxiety and agoraphobia as a teen due to severe bullying about my weight. I remember I was 108kg at 11 and 135kg and 5'7 at 13 and basically treated like a freak show. Even my brother would bully me with his friends in school. My parents and family were no better despite being partially responsible for my diet.

Is this a fetish thing? Because I don't want to be fat, specifically for health reasons (I feel like absolute shit). I was 182kg at 17 and had WLS a week before my 18th birthday**. I lost 110kg and felt amazing. Then I came out and turned to the bottle to cope with all the untapped trauma i'd kept bottled from years of living a lie. yadda yadda yadda, I've been 120kg for 2 years now and while I'm not giving up on weight loss or at least trying not to gain, I need to learn that I'm not worthless because I'm fat.

I like big guys but it is incomprehensible for me to believe I could be fat and have anyone want me. I do talk to people online sometimes but I'm just a fetish to them being fat and a trans man.

That's a lot of words when I could just say... Is this a gainer sub? I'm gonna be very disappointed if it is.

**I am now 29 and also have loose/saggy skin.