u/somewhatsomeway

I have been in my awakening for the past 6 years.

A lot has changed in my inner world. I am a vastly different person to who i was when this all began.

I’m not totally comfortable going into deep detail just yet (atleast online) about my experiences. It should suffice to say that my experiences have been life long, and have had me feeling quite “otherised” in a way that i couldnt really manage to relate strongly to others. Or to our society in general.

I have still managed to establish a healthy mindset, i have loving friends now, and a beautiful relationship with my family.

Despite this, i feel a deep pit of worry. And even vaster than that, ennui. Powerful melancholy.

I adore the world. I am deeply grateful. I love this place, the plants and animals and waters and mountains and skies. I am in awe each day at the beauty. I don’t lack gratitude.

For about the last 2 years, despite having incredible experiences… Feeling connected, empowered, inspired creatively. I carry a heavy burden of just… not apathy. I don’t know what it is. Ennui i guess.

I don’t mean to. Nor do i want to. It’s just there. An almost ever present companion.

I am also autistic, adhd. PTSD. OCD. I am challenged by heavily fluctuating energy and capacity. I am overwhelmed fairly often. Despite dedicating the last 10 years solely to healing and recovery. I have experienced a lot, both mundane and not so much. It’s taken a toll.

I am still very young. But i am tired. I feel frustrated with my body, and my lack of motivation. I know i could have anything i wanted pretty much. I am clever and artistically and musically gifted. But i just. Don’t care. And am often paralysed by empathy.

Friends. Further on the path than me. More experienced than me. Hopefully, with a wider scope and greater perspective than me. What more can i do to shift this? How do i get back the relentless drive i once had to save my life, from mental illness and trauma? Now that i am well into my healing. How did you start to care again?

I feel there’s something i am failing miserably at and it terrifies me. Something i’m missing that’s painfully obvious.

How did you get yourself through this period? It started out so exciting and interesting. It’s been mostly benevolent for me, too. And now i sort of just feel. Isolated. Forgotten. Lonely in my awareness, aside from this community. Confused. Incompetent. What is the point of any of this? I have been desperately searching since i was a literal child. For meaning. I just feel so different and so alone and so weird.

Any ideas or suggestions appreciated and welcomed. Any channeling deeply appreciated and welcomed.

TLDR: how did you get yourself through the shell shocked, numb phase of awakening? Of being years into experiences? Of feeling isolated within it all?

You were everything to me.

You came into my life, as someone desperately needing human connection. And I gave it to you, truly never imagining we would get to where we are now.

I was happy to be a light in the dark. A buoy in an insane sea. A hand to hold.

You were so incredibly lost.
I was honoured to offer you myself as a steady person, someone who had devoted themselves to healing from so much that afflicted you, too.
Addiction. Abandonment. Neglect. Trauma. Grief. Abuse.

I know how it feels to be completely alone. Utterly lost. Heartbroken from the weight of living as a sensitive soul. Filled with self loathing that I couldn’t force myself to just be the same as others our age.

And then we fell in love.

Through the potent confessions. Through hours and hours of talking. Through holding you. Through you holding me. I fell hard.

I questioned it- is what you’re feeling love, too? Or is it simply relief? Did you love me, or the light I emitted?

I asked myself- is this *right*? You were so vulnerable.

And I decided that it wasn’t right to decide for you.

If you loved me or not, whether you were simply addicted to the oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine the closeness provided you. Whether I could wear 1,000,000 different faces, have any personality, and it was the connection you loved. The safety you loved.

I let you decide.

Because I have been in love before. And I was not healed fully. I was powerfully imperfect. And I still loved fiercely and with my entire heart.

So I let you in. I returned your trust with confessions of my own. I listened without judgement, with my heart wide open.

And we fell into each other.

We experienced so much beauty. So much excitement, so much joy.

Harmony. Ease. Peace. Resonance.

I let you in on my greatest secret- I have no desire for children, no lofty career aspirations, no financial goals beyond not struggling. *My* greatest dream, since childhood, was a great love. To fall hopelessly inlove. True, fairy tale devotion to another. To fully know and be known. To love and be loved in return.

You told me over and over that it was your greatest wish too. We mirrored so much of each other.

You wrote me the most beautiful love letters i’ve ever received. You loved me with such potent, raw energy. You held me like I had always dreamt of being held.

And then one day, without warning. You pulled the plug.

You walked it back the first time.

Then two weeks later, you did it again. Twice.

For two weeks, i was completely and utterly broken. My world shattered and annihilated. My trust rendered from my spirit. My safety obliterated.

We reconnected. Fell back into each other. I forgave you. I really tried to. *I really, really tried to.*

But something in me has shifted.

I see your withdrawal. I see you collapsing in on yourself. I see your eyes have changed. You won’t look into mine for any length of time.

The ecstasy of my novelty has worn off.

Just like the drugs that chase you, begging you to come back, you have built a tolerance to my effect. It’s worn off. And suddenly. I’m not enough to keep you out of the hole that beckoned to you.

And I am left with the cold realisation that I was an escape to you. I bared my soul to you. And in return, i was used as a distraction from your problems.

You spoke of marrying me. Of growing old with me. You said it was your only wish. And then you told me “I wanted to believe it was true.”

Cold. Exposed. Alone.

I thought it was more than the light i shon on you. I thought you loved *me*.

You tell me “please trust me, everything will be okay.” But you stole my sense of safety. You went from saying I would make a beautiful old woman, to abandoning me out of nowhere. It destroyed me.

Something precious in me is withering. Your volatility and using me as a resource is draining me of my light. Each day that goes by, my nervous system becomes more and more brittle.

I stand by, out of loyalty and unconditional love. But does unconditional love require limitless suffering, and the destruction of the contract we had made with each other?

You broke it the day you broke me.

And no amount of you holding me is putting me back together.

You refuse to help yourself. And as a result, our relationship is made the least of your priorities.

You don’t have priorities anymore. You’re barely keeping your head above water, and you refuse to even try to fucking swim.

I feel angry. Angry that you won’t fight. Angry at myself for having the soft desire of wanting to be loved, chosen, fought for.

I said i’m not going anywhere. And i’m not like you, I won’t just disappear. I will tell you I’m leaving. That i’m still here as a friend if you need someone. I will fracture myself again, so you atleast have that.

I will continue to give myself, fracturing pieces off so you aren’t alone.

I am going to leave. But remember. You left first. Over and over. In every failed glance. Every cold hand holding mine. You left me first.

All I wanted was you. And you left.

Fucking fight.

Or i cannot stay.

(I asked the mods and this point is apparently fine to make.)

Please, add all the reasons, big and small, to not relapse.

Nothing is too lofty, or too tiny/specific to share here.

Let’s create a big shared resource to look at, from people with liver experience, to stay motivated in being Free from substance abuse.

✨

My context for asking:

I have been substance abuse free for a few years now. My best friend has been for a few months.

Oddly (or maybe not so), we’ve both been incredibly challenged recently. Been feeling really really rough, struggling in staying sober.

I know it’s worth it. I’ve lived it.

I’ll add my specific reasons in the comments below.

Sending so much love to you all 🤍.

Basically what the heading says.

My partner broke up with me out of nowhere a little over a week ago. I feel completely devastated.

It came out of nowhere. We seemed completely happy (to me). Enjoying life with each other- supportive, kind, patient. Working through the challenges both of us have.

They experience many difficulties with certain things, as i do myself. We began our connection by being very vulnerable about these challenges. I felt capable of meeting these hardships with them and seeing them through.

I am just… so lost. Beyond lost. My nervous system has been shredded by this.

I am doing my absolute best to cope. Making art, seeing and supporting my friends, being with family.

And also trying to be there for them.

Offering kindness without being clingy. Offering support and reassurance. Basically just trying to be there. Letting them go with love. Because, to me, that’s what unconditional love is. It’s letting someone go if they want to go. It’s loving them beyond a romantic or sexual connection, or what they’re “giving” me, what i’m “getting out of it”.

I just want them to be happy.

I desperately want to be happy too.

I thought we were so happy. I feel blindsighted. They would often say how much they wanted to be with me forever, to grow old with me. We shared so much in common, with enough differences to make it interesting. I felt as though i had found my soul mate.

I spent the first few days confiding in chatgpt. I do have support around me, but struggle still with feeling burdensome and like i take “too much” energy to support and help. I just barely scraped through without becoming manic or delusional. I was delusional for a minute there.

I just.

I don’t know what i need to hear.

I am okay. I have gone through significant hardship in the past, and so, i am well equipped to weather this. I just. Don’t want to have to. I don’t want to have to lose them. But i have. I’ve let them go, lovingly.

I just can’t see what God wants from me here. I know i need to have faith.

But i am so full of love. I wanted so badly to give all of my love to this person. My friends had reservations about them, because of the challenges they face. But i have faced very similar ones, and felt fully ready to meet them.

I feel robbed. Cheated. Stolen from. Abandoned.

I’m still young.

I know that. But this feels like some cruel trick on my heart. I was trying so hard to do everything right.

I feel like part of me has been torn from my body. Like part of me left when they did. Half of my heart. Half of my mind. Half of my spirit. Half of everything.

They seemed honest with how they adored me. I’m so confused.

I’m on the spectrum. So maybe i did miss certain cues.

I don’t know how to move on from this. Even though i am strong. Every memory makes me sick with longing. Sick with guilt, that i have made some irreparable mistake that i can’t see.

Am i going to be okay? How can I be, when i have lost this person that felt like part of me?

Those who believe they’ve managed to establish secure contact with benevolent beings, what has your practice looked like?

Please include as many details of your practices and routines as you’re willing to/feel called to, whatever pops up, no matter how “unrelated”.

I think this is an important topic to focus on at the moment. I think a lot of people are struggling, and could benefit from this resource if we pool all our data together.

My most important practices (in my opinion/experience):

✨ gratitude and abundance mindset

✨ eliminating/working on eliminating the “us vs them” mindset

✨ noticing evidence of innocence consciously

✨ reducing the consumption of “dark” media

✨ positive prayer

✨ being kind and of service

So much love to you all. 🤍🪽