41F torn between a partner 38M who disappointed me for years and a new love with major complex realities. Need advice.
I (41F) have been with my husband (38M) for 8 years, married for 5. We have a 2.5-year-old daughter. We live in the US.
Seven years ago, my husband lost his job, tried again, and was let go a second time. Since then, he hasn't worked. I became the sole breadwinner, bought our house and cars, handled investments, managed our life, and built our social network. My husband is genuinely the kindest man, cared for me, supported me. Over time, carrying everything created deep resentment. I felt less like his partner and more like a project manager for a grown adult.
Late last year, I suspected layoff rumors at my company. I begged my husband to step up and find work to take the pressure off, but nothing changed. Around that time, I reconnected with an old friend from back home. He is single, financially independent, has a 10-year-old child, and shares my desire to step away from corporate burnout to focus on family.
I was laid off in January. Shortly after, I traveled back to my home country with my daughter to help my father with medical issues and reconnect with this friend. We realized we had strong feelings for each other.
However, being together in person highlighted major real-world challenges:
- He has severe chronis illness which he manages fine most days. On his bad days, the pain and fatigue are crippling. During my visit, I ended up handling all the parenting and day-to-day work entirely alone while he was bedridden.
- He has shared custody of his daughter and elderly parents here, meaning moving to the another country with me isn't an option for him anytime soon. I do not want to relocate here long-term. He is open to moving, but not right now, maybe in few years.
- Its probably the most scary, but I think the right option- move to EU (which i was already considering because I dont want to stay in the US anymore), find a job, and raise my daughter. If my ex wants to be in that country, he can figure out how.
Meanwhile, one of my closest confidante who i trusted deeply informed my husband about the relationship. He was devastated and angry, but now he is begging for one last chance and flying out to see me. I explained all the years of resentment, broken promises, and exhaustion I felt. He insists he will step up now, but I have zero trust left in his ability to provide or secure our daughter’s future.
On one hand, I have a husband I cared for, who now wants to try after years of inaction, but I am emotionally checked out and lack trust. On the other hand, I love a man who is responsible, financially secure, and deeply aligned with my values, but whose health condition and life commitments would require me to take on significant caretaking in a country I don't want to live in.
I feel stuck, exhausted, and terrified of making the wrong decision for my daughter and myself. How do I sort through this confusion and figure out my next step?