u/stuckonhoneymoonave

i feel like I have had to hide my true self for so long from my family and friends and it’s so isolating and lonely. seeing others live their lives, have their first dates, first crushes, first kisses… it just makes me realize how much I missed out. I feel like my life is slipped right before me, and I’m moving through every day feeling worthless and empty. I crave for more and freedom but I can’t because that would cost my safety. i have lost faith in god, the very being that’s supposed to be all about love. seeing it easy for other people makes me even more depressed. every time I see a straight couple god it feels like a knife was struck right through my back. the fact that they can find each other so easily. The fact that they’re considered the norm. The fact that they don’t have to hide, or get scorned at. the fact that they can get married. Why can’t I?

i feel like I have had to hide my true self for so long from my family and friends and it’s so isolating and lonely. seeing others live their lives, have their first dates, first crushes, first kisses… it just makes me realize how much I missed out. I feel like my life is slipped right before me, and I’m moving through every day feeling worthless and empty. I crave for more and freedom but I can’t because that would cost my safety. i have lost faith in god, the very being that’s supposed to be all about love. seeing it easy for other people makes me even more depressed. every time I see a straight couple god it feels like a knife was struck right through my back. the fact that they can find each other so easily. The fact that they’re considered the norm. The fact that they don’t have to hide, or get scorned at. the fact that they can get married. Why can’t I?

>Being queer saved my life. Often we see queerness as deprivation. But when I look at my life, I saw that queerness demanded an alternative innovation from me. I had to make alternative routes; it made me curious; it made me ask, ‘Is this enough for me?
- Ocean Vuong

have a lovely rest of pride ❤️🌈

i honestly feel empty and disassociated from reality. I want to start of by giving some context. I am 16 and was born male, although I am naturally have always been small and i have a rather feminine build.

i started going to the gym a couple of months ago because well a similar situation happened to me where a group of boys from school touched my behind when I was changing after PE. these boys had always been causing me trouble and bullying ever since I transferred to my school district (I’m Pakistani-American btw and I live in the US). they touched me inappropriately and kept saying stuff like it looks like a girl’s behind and that I probably get f*cked by men and they kept laughing and mocking me for my waist and and my voice and my body in general. I didn’t say anything and I got really scared and anxious and embarrassed and I just quickly changed and went home. I didn’t tell my dad bc well, he’d beat me if I did for not standing up for myself and that somehow I brought it upon myself and I asked for it. We don’t have the best relationship, and our views are different from each other. He also makes comments about my body, my mannerisms, and calls me really mean and hurtful things like f*g**t or t*anny. I am 15 and I am still trying to understand my sexuality and my gender identity. for as long as I remember he always hits me to man up and scorns me for not being manly enough and loves my brothers way More than me and prefers them. he purposely praises them in front of me and invited them out to do stuff without me and I feel left out and miserable, and my brothers all pander to him and im sick of it.

sorry I went on a rant. today I was at the gym. I started going there to build my figure a bit and learn self defense bc my gym offers jiu jitsu and I’ve been taking it for like 4 months and really enjoying it. but today, I left after my class and my gym outfit was normal I was just wearing a normal shirt and shorts both a tight fit bc I don’t like baggy clothes when doing jiu jitsu. and then these group of broccoli haired boys like 6 of them were walking to the gym and I was walking to the bus stop and i clenched my bag tight and instantly got nervous and put my head down and then one of them outwardly yelled “EWWW LOOK AT THAT [f slur]” and they all were yelling slurs at me, making fun of my outfit, manning weird SA comments about me and saying I should unalive myself and that Im a disgrace to humanity.I was so scared and angry and I wanted to fight them but I couldn’t bc I was so scared and my body froze and I literally sped walk to the bus stop. mind you even if I did fight them they’re 6 big rather fit guys and I’m 1 person. I’m writing this now when I got home and I feel so disappointed in myself for yet again letting this happen. i wish I had the courage to stand up for myself it’s like everything that I worked on when I started jiu jitsu didnt matter.

i dont want to loathe myself but I am, and convinced somehow that this is all my fault.

I was having a conversation with my dad (context: me and my dad don’t get along that well bc well im gay and effeminate and he’s conservative + religious). He made the claim that the only reason why I turned out the way I am is because I grew up in the states and that I was influenced by Western ideals.  And naturally I got defensive and we started arguing and I shut him off and he got up and left. I still feel the need to rant so please allow me to do so.

I’m so tired of this absurd argument that LGBTQ+ is some kind of Western invention/pervesion. Yes, I agree that the words we use today (lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, etc) are modern day words we use to identify. However that doesnt mean that same sex and gender diverse people didn’t exist throughout history?

There is evidence that same sex and gender diverse existed in all parts of the world throughout history. Like for example in ancient Mesopotamia there’s the assinnu who were ritual specialists who’s genders were ambiguous. And in South Asia there’s the Hijra community that existed for centuries long before our modern understanding of LGBTQ+ identities. There’s also the Māhū in Polynesia that carry both masculine and feminine roles. 

As for same sex relationships, the biggest example Ancient Greece comes to mind. They have the strongest evidence and ofc they were understood differently than our modern ideas of being gay but historians still agree that such relationships existed even if they don’t fit our labels today. Actually historians are against calling these people gay or trans because those are modern identity labels. But saying the labels are modern isnt the same as saying that the people never existed. Think of it like gravity, it always existed even before Newton described it.

i hope i made sense sorry i ranted

i honestly feel empty and disassociated from reality. I want to start of by giving some context. I am 16 and was born male, although I am naturally have always been small and i have a rather feminine build.

i started going to the gym a couple of months ago because well a similar situation happened to me where a group of boys from school touched my behind when I was changing after PE. these boys had always been causing me trouble and bullying ever since I transferred to my school district (I’m Pakistani-American btw and I live in the US). they touched me inappropriately and kept saying stuff like it looks like a girl’s behind and that I probably get f*cked by men and they kept laughing and mocking me for my waist and and my voice and my body in general. I didn’t say anything and I got really scared and anxious and embarrassed and I just quickly changed and went home. I didn’t tell my dad bc well, he’d beat me if I did for not standing up for myself and that somehow I brought it upon myself and I asked for it. We don’t have the best relationship, and our views are different from each other. He also makes comments about my body, my mannerisms, and calls me really mean and hurtful things like zanakha or khusra or chhakka. I am 15 and I am still trying to understand my sexuality and my gender identity. for as long as I remember he always hits me to man up and scorns me for not being manly enough and loves my brothers way More than me and prefers them. he purposely praises them in front of me and invited them out to do stuff without me and I feel left out and miserable, and my brothers all pander to him and im sick of it.

sorry I went on a rant. today I was at the gym. I started going there to build my figure a bit and learn self defense bc my gym offers jiu jitsu and I’ve been taking it for like 4 months and really enjoying it. but today, I left after my class and my gym outfit was normal I was just wearing a normal shirt and shorts both a tight fit bc I don’t like baggy clothes when doing jiu jitsu. and then these group of broccoli haired boys like 6 of them were walking to the gym and I was walking to the bus stop and i clenched my bag tight and instantly got nervous and put my head down and then one of them outwardly yelled “EWWW LOOK AT THAT [f slur]” and they all were yelling slurs at me, making fun of my outfit, manning weird SA comments about me and saying I should unalive myself and that Im a disgrace to humanity.I was so scared and angry and I wanted to fight them but I couldn’t bc I was so scared and my body froze and I literally sped walk to the bus stop. mind you even if I did fight them they’re 6 big rather fit guys and I’m 1 person. I’m writing this now when I got home and I feel so disappointed in myself for yet again letting this happen. i wish I had the courage to stand up for myself it’s like everything that I worked on when I started jiu jitsu didnt matter.

i dont want to loathe myself but I am, and convinced somehow that this is all my fault.