u/throwawaypoop456

So I 20f am Autistic. I was diagnosed at 14 1/2 and am considered low support needs.

I have always been good with kids, I have been my family’s designated babysitter for as long as I can remember. I have cared for children of all ages and am pretty good at it. Everyone always says that I was born to be a parent.

Autism runs in my family. I have several cousins, and uncles that are on the spectrum, a couple of which are high support needs. Some are incontinent, non verbal, are prone to extreme meltdowns and violent outbursts.

I love my cousins and uncles, but i also recognise how hard raising them was on my grandparents, aunts, uncles and their siblings.

My Aunt and Uncle for example, had two children who were 8 and 12 years old, when my aunt got pregnant with my two cousins, who are twins. The two twins were both on the spectrum. They grew up to be very high support needs, incontinent, non verbal, extreme food aversions, and horrible meltdowns.

My Aunt ended up having to leave a career she loved and worked hard to have, to care for the twins full time, while my uncle continued to work full time at his job. My Aunt was constantly black and blue, it started with pretty bad bruises on her arms, then as the twins got older and stronger, it escalated to black eyes, and so on.

The two older boys ended up being sort of an after thought. My uncle was barely home as he had to work long hours to provide for four kids, himself and his wife alone. My aunt then relied on substances to get her through the day and became an addict.

They were unable to get the twins in any respite care in my country, because they were incontinent and there is very little support available for SEN families.

Autism also runs on my boyfriend’s 20m side of the family, and he has an older cousin that is high support needs. His aunt had broken arms, and broken cheek bones, from her son’s meltdowns. She was strangled, punched, nipped, kicked, head butted. My boyfriend’s aunt was a single mother, so my boyfriend’s mother often pitched in to help out, she was also strangled and hit, but not as bad as his mother.

My personal experience, things I have witnessed and stories I have heard from family members, all the fear mongering I see online against autism, and the fact that autism is suspected to be genetic makes me scared to have kids.

Im not afraid to have a disabled child, or a child with learning difficulties, or anything like that.

But I am afraid of giving up my life’s work to be beaten, or being afraid of my own kids, like i have seen so many other women in my family.

Do any of you have any advice?

Im sorry if I said anything wrong, or if I offended anyone, it’s definitely not my intention.

I was just wondering if any of you had felt like this prior to having children, if you did what changed your mind? What is your experience as an Autistic parent raising kids, autistic or not?

So I 20f began working in a bar around a month and a half ago. It’s very a very small local bar, but is in a touristy area so we can get very busy on the weekends.

I work there with my boyfriend and his mother. His mother is the manager and my boyfriend is basically a bartender/bouncer as we have a 90% female staff.

We get people from all over come into the bar, but during my shifts is mostly quiet and there is just locals that come in for a drink, mostly men age 40+.

My first few shifts all the men were kind and respectful towards me, i built up quite the rapport with them and felt comfortable around them. Most of them were my dad or grandfathers age so I didn’t expect them to be disrespectful towards me or sexualise me or anything, i just figured to them I was basically a child.

I was wrong…

In the last two weeks I have been groped, screamed at, had sexual comments made behind my back and to my face, had men lie about going home with me (thank god my boyfriend picks me up and takes me home every night), had regulars in the bar come up to me outside of work hours when i was on a night out and accuse me of dressing disrespectfully towards my boyfriend, (I was literally wearing a skirt down to my ankles and a top) I was probably the most covered up girl in the bar,
I just have a chest and it’s hard to hide. Ive been followed into the ladies bathroom, by men three times my age.

Im actually sick of it already, im sick of constantly being on guard, im tired of being constantly paranoid about what im wearing and if im covered up enough, im tired of being scared to come forward about something someone said or did incase they accuse me of lying, which has happened multiple times. (Thank god we have cameras)
Im sick of being afraid to treat customers with kindness incase they take it the wrong way.

Im actually scared to go into work, it makes me so anxious.

I don’t know if im cut out for this.

Im the youngest person on the staff, so maybe that makes me an easy target. I dont know.

Any advice from other female bar staff would be fantastic.

Im a 19 year old autistic girl, i was diagnosed at 14 years old.

I struggled socially but not in the ways a lot of people expect. My social struggles actually aided in my confidence. I never understood when I was being bullied or rejected, so it never hurt my feelings. So I always had friends due to my extreme confidence.

I also had an extreme sense of justice and an impaired sense of risk assessment, this led to be putting myself in the line of fire to protect girls who were getting picked on, which helped me gain respect.

I also happen to be conventionally attractive which allowed my “weird” traits to be overlooked and ignored. People actually have asked to be my friend simply because of my looks, so that made my life easier.

Due to my fortunate physical appearance I also had no problem gaining romantic attention, which also aided in my popularity.

I also like conventional things, I like makeup, I like doing my hair, I like dressing up, I like hanging out with my friends, I like hanging out with my boyfriend, I like having sex, I like going out for drinks, and going to the pub, or a concert.

I feel a like a lot of the time even though I am capable of connecting with neurotypical people, I still don’t fit in with them or connect with them, and in turn I feel like I don’t relate to the experiences of other autistic or neurodiverse people i have met because of how different our experiences in life have been.

I didn’t really experience the typical social reject thing that a lot of other autistic people did.

I experience burnout, sensory issues, difficulty understanding social cues,
Social expectations and communication, i struggle to understand boundaries, I cant read between the lines, I have meltdowns, shut downs, times where i freeze up and literally cannot speak. I don’t know, it’s just shit.

It’s like I have been masking for so long, I don’t know where the real me starts and ends anymore. Is this the real me? Am I masking to fit in? Do I just naturally fit in? I don’t know?

Has anyone else ever felt like this?

So my 19f boyfriend 20m bought me a couple sex toys a couple months ago. I put them in an old shoe box in the corner of my bedroom, at the bottom of a pile of other things that were in storage, all the stuff was in-front of the attic door that is in my bedroom. I completely forgot about them.

My family, my boyfriend and I are all going on holiday at the end of the week. I was away at my boyfriend’s house a few towns over for the weekend. While i was away, my father decided he didn’t want to wait until I came back on Monday to get the suitcases out of the attic. He went into my room with my little brother 18m and began to move all my stuff that was in-front of the attic door.

He found the shoe box, apparently it tipped over and everything inside fell out and he had to rush to put all the items back inside before my little brother saw.

I arrive home on Monday, everything is fine. No one mentions anything. Then on today when we finish eating dinner, my mother leaves to go to a pottery class, my brother goes upstairs, leaving my father and I alone.

He turns round to me and tells me what happened. I am so embarrassed, but then he accuses me of having no respect for him or his house, because I am in possession of these items. I calmly said that it was kind of his own fault, he went looking around in my bedroom without permission, he could have waited until I arrived home the next day. I am an adult, and Its really none of his buisness.

I left the room and went up to my bedroom.
I am mortified, but it was kind of his own fault.

TLDR: my dad found my sex toys.

Around three and a half years ago I 19f was raped. I was a virgin. He was a boy I had known from i was very young, I thought he was my friend. I never reported it, i sort of just tried to forget and block it out. I dealt with extreme trust issues with men and anxiety around friendships and socialising after the incident. But i rarely ever brought the incident up and basically tried to trick my brain into forgetting about it.

I met my now partner 20m around 8 months after the incident. He was always very kind, patient and understanding. He is honestly perfect.

I am Autistic diagnosed at 14. I need very intense physical stimulation for self regulation. That relates to things like stimming, but also extends to sex.

My boyfriend and I sometimes have intense sex. We communicate well, have boundaries in place and safe words. Its nothing extreme, maybe some light choking, spanking, stuff like that.

I am very into this, I actually suggested it. It was all my idea and usually i am able to communicate my needs well.

Except for today.

I was teasing my boyfriend, we were play fighting, it then turned sexual. At the start I was into it. Everything was good. He was standing at the edge of the bed, I was in doggie position. He “entered” me and i felt a twinge of pain, i sort of made a sound like a wince, but in all honesty it sounded like a moan.

He then pushed down on my back and i was in doggie face pressed into the mattress. He continued thrusting, it hurt. Like really hurt. Now is usually the time I speak up, tell him to stop, change positions to get more comfortable. But i froze, I cant explain it other than that. suddenly I was back there, face down in a ditch, head pressed into the dirt, silently crying.

Like two minutes later my boyfriend notices something was wrong and got off me. He immediately checked in on me. I came back sort of, although im not sure i was ever gone. I felt like i was dreaming, my head was spinning, like i wasnt really there.

I eventually was able to tell my boyfriend who was very worried what happened. He was so kind and loving and assured me that no matter what and no matter when if im ever uncomfortable or in pain I can tell him to stop and he wont be angry or disappointed, that he just wants me to be comfortable. He assured me that I wasn’t being stupid or silly and that I didn’t ruin anything.

He cuddled me for a bit and then he went to the shop and got me my favourite snacks. We played a board game and then he went to sleep, but im still awake thinking about it. I dont know why. I still feel so dumb, I feel awful, like I ruined everything over nothing. I feel restless and am dealing with a lot of sensory issues that are intensified by stress and anxiety.

I dont even know what I am hoping to get out of this post, I guess im just venting. This isnt something that has ever happened to me before and I just feel so broken and pathetic.

I usually hold things in, I dont talk about my feelings ever, I rarely cry. So i just feel so defeated.