u/tinfoilfascinator

The invasion began a few weeks ago. Cautions had been repeatedly issued. Reminders that they do not pay rent here and need to get the hell out have been provided. Examples had been made. I put screens over my windows. I put peppermint oil around the flat.

And now my favourite bra is missing. And I think I know who took it.

The spiders have either hidden it in an unknown location outside of my tiny flat and are using their multitude of legs to type a long threat, negotiate arms deals, and make tiny obscene gestures at me. Or... They are really hell bent on moving in. They think I won't notice my favourite bra is gone. They are trying to sell it to perverts on the internet and have no idea what the going rates for rent in Zone technically-still-London are.

Jerks.

Truly. There is no stopping them. They are not sentient. They are not real. They feel no pain. They are just making noise at top volume on their little phones. Even if you attack one, the noise won't stop, and the others will continue to do the same, oblivious to anything you do.

If you release him from his tupperware chassis, you endanger your community with his smell. If you try to defeat him by eating him, he'll leave you for dead on your toilet.

If birds aren't real, that means neither are beaks. Australians felt they didn't have enough exotic weird critters, so they convinced beavers to wear masks and hide their spawn in carefully reconstructed eggshells.

Let us examine the alopecic evolution of a few dudes growing into their power.

First up, Bruce Willis. Bruce has a bit of a receding hairline situation going on in the original Die Hard. But by the time he reaches Live Free or Die Hard and A Good Day to Die Hard, he is completely bald. He went from surviving and rescuing one building to stopping global cyber terrorists and helicopters. Roughly 73 kills and $1.4 billion in box office cash.

Dwayne Johnson originally had hair. But when he completely shaved his head, he scooted into box office gold with the Fast and the Furious franchise. Over 120 kills and $4.2 billion at the box office. Coincidence, or did he discover the path to power?

Jason Statham, an absolute ride of a fella, is consistently shaved bald. That smooth skull enabled him to make an entire career out of kicking ass without having to worry if he forgot to pick up more shampoo. Not that he can't afford it. Just those Transporter films alone raked in $240 million. And I'm not going to bother trawling for the stats on literally every movie he's made, as being a hot bald badass is kinda his thing.

To loosely paraphrase a lot of stuff in Shorn Scalps and Perceptions of Male Dominance and The evolutionary significance and social perception of male pattern baldness and facial hair, comb-overs and hairplugs are meant to be aesthetic choices associated with trying to remain young, and the shorn scalp signals a disregard for validation seeking. One no longer has time for vanity when one is absolutely battering the hell out of a random bad guy. If shaving the head immediately optimises a dude’s perceived badassery, then choosing a comb-over or hair plugs is a defensive reaction fueled by anxiety. Not only of ageing, but also of what comes with reaching their final form if they accept their hairline's destiny.

I swear I googled. But I'm lost on this. If I want to watch the game on Wednesday, is that possible? Or are only Premier League games broadcast?

I'm in London and the heatwave currently has my flat at 30c. It is expected to get even hotter this week. I have a Dyson air purifier and inhalers. I shut my curtains and windows because though it is 3 degrees cooler outside, pollution is high today. Can't get through to my medical centre and really don't want to waste the NHS's time when I'm sure there are others experiencing worse. But I have questions:

• The entire flat is 30c. If most meds are supposed to be stored at 25c or below, should I put my inhalers in the fridge? I have no idea what to do at this point.
• Is there anything that can be done to make this more bearable? My body feels like I've run a marathon and my lips feel a bit tingly. I'm surviving, but this is really shit.

If anyone can answer my questions, I'd be grateful.

Look, I love that people are finding their people and their audience. But is there a way I can avoid seeing cartoon furry art again? Or sex worker ads? Or large men in diapers? Like sometimes that stuff is just randomly thrown out there when I go looking for new feeds and I don't know why I am seeing it since it doesn't seem to bear much relevance to the feed topic. No hate to anyone! If you want to stare at technicolour dragon nipples or be alerted to a dominatrix's new site, I hope you find these things. I assure you they are there. But I saw some things I could have done without before my coffee this morning. And to be clear, I don't think blocking words would make a difference because these things appear as images rather than text.

Edit: I should have said hide not remove. Apologies for linguistic error!

Does Liverpool still have someone wandering around in a cat suit? I remember seeing it in the news last year and wondered if this is still an ongoing thing.

For some reason I really want a Thai noodle packet I haven't had since I was like 18. I don't remember the brand, only that it was a vegan Thai spicy instant noodle packet. Which doesn't exactly narrow it down. I have about £4 left on an Amazon gift card and want to spend it on spicy noodles. What is your favourite instant spicy noodle?

It finally rained in London. I was on my way to the shop and noticed a snail scooting along in the middle of the footpath. I didn't want to risk someone stepping on it, so I offered it a leaf to scoot onto. Understandably, having a leaf bigger than its body suddenly appear in front of it made it wiggle its head noodles and recoil into its shell. So I thought ok maybe you'll take a hint and scoot the other way after I go. On my way back, the little dude was still smooshed into it's shell hanging out. So I used a leaf like a napkin to pick it up and toss it back into the leaf pile by the trees.

I'm of two minds.

• On one hand, little fella has not been trampled. Nor did anything eat it yet. (As far as I know. I have no idea what its fate is now) So mission sort of accomplished?
• On the other hand, what if the snail was embarking on an epic quest? They don't slime along very fast. Like what if it was reaching the end of its snail journey and feeling like "HELL YES I AM ALMOST DONE"? What if it was on a mad dash to a snail booty call with the snail of its dreams and I just prevented it from getting some snail action? What if its snail love thinks it has been ghosted? What if the snail wanted to die? What if it was like "I'm ready... here we go footpath!" and I just left it to suffer longer?

I realise this might seem a bit ridiculous, but I think even the little creatures deserve consideration sometimes. What if human hubris guided by good intentions just completely ruined its day/life? So what do you guys think?

Last night I watched Howard's Way on Amazon. Clearly, Everton was incredible in the 80s. I love watching them play now, but I'm aware of the attitude/ expection fans seem to have of being disappointed by match results. When did things start to really change for the team? And as fans that have been watching them play far longer than I have, what do you think would be needed to have another run like that?

Their products are not vegan. Go down the chilled food aisle and scan the barcode. (Didn't work on the lasagne one, did work on one with meatballs) Then you get a £3 Sainsbury's gift card you can spend on vegan things.