u/tiny__jelly

Am I in the wrong? Am I a bad friend?

I became friends with this girl during our first year of university. She was clearly depressed, but also very smart and had a good sense of humor. Other girls tended to avoid her, but I liked her.

She told me that some of her family members had an illness and that there was a possibility she might develop it as well. However, she also said that her depression had started in middle school, before she even found out about this hereditary illness. Therapy was not helpful.

I dropped out of university, and she was the only person who stayed in contact with me. I was very sad during that period too so we really understood each other. We spent a lot of time together. Her academic life progressed smoothly, while I had to face the consequences of my choice, which meant fewer opportunities in life, although the experience also helped me grow a lot.

We used to spend most of our free time together, but we were always doing the same things and talking about the same problems. Whenever I tried to suggest something new, she usually wasn’t interested. One time, I tried to plan a trip to a nearby city only 1 hour away by train, but she said it was too far and too tiring for her.

A few years ago, she met a man online, and their relationship became serious quickly. The problem is that he lives in another country, very far away from us. Still, she traveled for 10+ hours to meet him. I understand that traveling to see someone you love is different from taking a trip with a friend, so I tried not to think too much about it.

However, she started doing other things that annoyed me. For example, I had always encouraged her to go to the gym because I thought it could help with her depression. She never listened to me, but as soon as her boyfriend gave her the same advice, she immediately started going. At the same time, she told me that he could sometimes be rude to her and that they weren’t compatible in bed, but she didn't want to break up with him.

She also often challenged my ideas and beliefs. I’m not arrogant enough to think I can’t be wrong or that I can’t discuss things. But every single time? The last few times we met I can't remember even a nice moment, she was always complaining about something.

I simply stopped texting her. She sometimes asks me how my life is going and I simply say "fine, you?" and she says "yeah, same old stuff" and we let the conversation die. I don't even miss her and we have been friends for 8+ years. I don't know what to think. I feel a terrible friend but also our friendship was only useful to her and not me.

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Hi everyone, I need objective input. I'll summarize the best I can:

I met this man at work (he's 10 years older than me).

We have to see each other a few days per month max.

At first he was very kind, incredibly charming. Everybody at work loves him (the same can't be said for me!). He told me he believed in feminism and seemed very critical of other men who don't appreciate women. So I was very happy when we started dating (in secret from everyone at work) but after a short “love bombing” phase, things changed.

What I experienced was:

• negging and devaluation

• gaslighting

• sexual coercion (including what I believe may have been an attempted assault)

He made me understand I wasn’t good enough to be his partner, because he was looking for an actual classy woman. However he kept things ambiguous about commitment, and he also told me I could consider myself free to see other people if I wanted.

At this point I was already trauma bonded, but around this time I changed therapists, and my new therapist told me clearly that I should get away from this person, and that I was being manipulated.

So I tried to cut him off, but he never let me. So I waited a few weeks and told him I was regularly going out with another man (a lie, but I figured he would have respected an imaginary man more than me). He wanted to stay friends but I went no contact.

After that:

• he followed me around at work multiple times

• reacted with visible anger

• made a comment about an isolated room near my office: “If someone gets hurt there, no one can hear”

I talked to an older colleague and she advised me not to speak to HR, because he has more power than me (true) and to just take the day off when he comes to our office.

I avoided him for a while, then went back to normal work after 6 months.

When he saw me again:

• first he followed me again, trying to force an interaction

• then tried to act friendly, like nothing happened

I told him I would not go back to him no matter what, and I advised him to just focus on work (he's always very distracted and makes tons of mistakes and creates problems for all of us) and maybe go to therapy.

Some months ago at work, he tried again to force interaction and to stay near me. This time I reacted differently: since he had recently made a serious mistake at work, I brought it up in front of everyone and embarrassed him. He got extremely angry and stormed out.

After that, all hoovering attempts stopped. He still greets me with a big smile (I never respond) as if nothing happened and stays physically close at work if he has the chance, but the dynamic feels different, like he deleted my name from his list and just wants to annoy me.

Of course I am relieved. But the change makes me anxious. I don’t know if he’s simply moved on or if he might try to hurt me - emotionally - when I least expect it, so I remain on guard.

What do you think?

Hi everyone,

I've noticed that if I stop doing EMDR for some weeks, my mental health benefits greatly from this pause. It's like all the work my brain is doing is staying in the background and can be processed only at this time.

I talked to another woman who did EMDR in the past and she told me she didn't notice any benefit till she ended the therapy sessions for good. After a while she actually started to feel better.

But my therapist told me this is not the case, that I need to do more EMDR sessions, not less, and he didn't seem to care much about the "benefits" I get when I stop EMDR (I still go to sessions and we just talk, so it's not like he is losing money).

So I'm here to ask if someone has experienced the same thing or it's all in my mind 😊

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