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(BBC Science Focus)

and lennart poettering

I have ocd about >!dried semen!<(intimate, so nsfw). Which means I have to maintain cleanliness of upper body, most importantly face from it, or I get really depressed, agressive and angry about myself. I have many doubting thoughts one after another if I really have cleaned parts of body or prevented them from having contact with other surfaces that are considered dirty (since surfaces that touch it are dirty too, obviousely).

Per rather strict rules, straight to the point.

I get that reassuring yourself, that you didn't break your ocd rules is actually considered to be a harmfull mechanism as it perpetuates it. But the thing is I DO NOT like to "confront" it. I HATE this mentality, I am so over this: "you have to leave your comfort zone". Why? Because I like the comfort zone. Not the ocd itself, but the comfort zone of not changing it. I feel like the process of "digging inside me" would be more painfull then enduring it . Or at least as painfull. Yes I don't KNOW it for sure but I DON'T like to get into other kind of suffering. In fact my kind of "last fortress" against my own mind is that it either calms itself or I go to therapy.

I do not like to dwell over things. I do it, but I don't like it. Therapy is exactly this. Why some thoughts come to us? Can we just sit them over? No sitting them over does not help me I just suffer in silence. I guess it's better then in the short term but I am telling you the inside stress will one day kill me. I know I won't get it here, and I wouldn't even trust Internet strangers to reassure me, the thing is I just want reassurance so badly, and I don't want to "rewire" my brain. To "work" on it. To be trated like a "case". Going to mental health people feels simply dehumanising to me. I had impaired hearing as a kid so I get how somatic diseases could also drive you crazy and be unpleasenty to say the least. But it was my ear. I could touch it, I could rub it, I could use the other ear, and it got better after a surgery. Surgery operates on body parts, and body parts respect the laws of physics. I do not trust psychiatric medicine one bit. You can do a statistical analysis on ear operation outcomes, because hearing is quantifiable. Side effects of mental health therapy are not. Do I get 5 less intrusive thoughts a day, what's the confidence interval? Side effects of say antidepressants is not something I can live with. I can accept a physical tissue, like a broken hand or burned skin. I cannot accept a brain that would be "badly wired" beacuse it is fundamentally different. That's why I don't really trust psychiatrists.

I'm so tired of people presenting this as a binary choice - therapy or continued suffering, or more generally, suffering now and never later, or suffering constantly. This is stupid and false. It's just suffering.

I added "crisis" tag but I'm stable in terms of suicide, it's not that. Just this frustration desorganises me completely, I waste long hours and it definitely influences work and life other then my personal one. And because of my... I'm not scared to say this, but I'm not changing my mind either, because of my superstitions, I don't think I can get help.

It's bright and so very easy to spot through a rifle scope

dammit why they delete my memes

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