u/twinkhon_gwyndolin

Sorry for spamming this community lately. I know I've been posting a lot here lately, but this community has been pretty mature, so I feel somewhat safe talking about these topics here.

Anyway, I made a thread that I deleted about how I've been wanting to find my favorite person (someone who plays games with me and is emotionally safe, someone I can also talk about fashion and other girly topics with), but I've noticed again and again that there aren't very many places to connect, especially for folks our age. I browse r/neetr4r fairly regularly, and it's mostly people in their twenties. A lot of other communities (not necessarily related to NEET) lean young, also. A redditor in this community commented a while ago that yeah, unemployed/hikikomori people in their thirties are less "socially acceptable", because the thirties are when you're expected to have your *shit* together. Like, other people our age (at least the ones you see on reddit) are working corporate careers, making great income, married with children, and probably even own a house. Yeah, reddit does lean upper-middle class, so you don't see the thirty-somethings who are still living on rent, or those who barely have disposable income. People still working for a shockingly low wage, despite having university degrees. Still, it doesn't change the fact that there are very few places for people like us who haven't succeeded in the conventional ways

Someone else pointed out that people our age either already have their loved ones and aren't looking for any more people, or they've become completely content with their solitude. I guess that makes me feel a little hopeless about things.

What are your thoughts?

I mean, maybe I sound hypocritical because I make F4F posts here, but I'm really just trying to keep myself safe, you know?

like, I'm almost certain there were more M4A posts back then, but maybe it's just me

Hey! I’m looking to connect with another girl for a fun, gentle, and emotionally deep friendship.

(I'm also okay with talking to LGBTQ people, trans men, non-binary, cis/trans women, etc. Just not straight cis men. Sorry)

I don’t have any IRL friends right now, and I haven't been connecting with anyone offline (or online, for that matter). So, I’d love to find a close friend who is also feeling isolated and wants to build a long-term bond. I mostly spend my time playing games, tinkering away at my Obsidian vault, and watching movies with my mom. I’d love to find someone to play co-op games or action JRPGs with (like the Tales of series using Parsec).

I also value real vulnerability and honesty. If you already have a full social circle and/or a best friend, and are just looking for a casual, low-priority person, we probably won't be compatible. I’m hoping to find someone where we both actively choose each other, you know? 😊

A few other things to mention:

• I usually get pretty anxious around phone calls, although if we ever watch a movie together (or play a game that requires communication), I wouldn't mind VC

• I live in the West Coast, so UTC-8 - similar time zones are a plus!

• I mostly use Discord (or Stoat). I don't really like reddit chat much

• I don't really like to ignore people, and I think ghosting is a form of ignoring. Therefore, I'd appreciate it if you tried to be at least somewhat consistent with messaging!

• If we really click, then maybe we can hang out in person. That would be a lot of fun! 🥰

• Open to most ages, but looking for fellow adults (no teenagers, please).

If this post resonates with you at all, feel free to send a message telling me a bit about yourself and what kinds of games you like! 🎮

it really feels like no one is on my side.

• not the doctor, who's supposed to make a strong case for me with this federal disability form that I already got rejected for once
• not the therapist, who I only had a limited number of sessions with, and that person is gone now
• not the social worker, who I wanted support from regarding the disability form, but dropped the ball when things got too inconvenient for them
• not these strangers on reddit who keep offering unsolicited advice that i never asked for
• not my old ex-friend who left me because friendships didn't matter to them

constantly feeling like I have to defend myself, advocate for myself, protect myself, because no one else will protect me. all people want to do is mock me, dismiss me, make me feel small. just as I was starting to make progress with my life, all of these setbacks keep happening, and it ALWAYS involves other people, always.

i don't blame any of you who gave up on dealing with people. who gave up on looking for friends or a partner. who gave up on looking for a profession. who gave up on trying to "change" like all those self-improvement "gurus" love to preach about. those people who isolate themselves for their entire lives because humans are generally not safe. yeah, i see you. my heart bleeds for you guys because most of you have probably been just as hurt by others as i have.

to those of you who don't have a "home" in other people, to those single, isolated folks whose trust in others was completely and irrevocably destroyed: i dedicate this post to you.

Hey! I’m looking to connect with another girl for a fun, gentle, and emotionally deep friendship.

(I don't feel that comfortable talking with most men at the moment, it's just a personal boundary thing, I'm sorry.)

I don’t have any IRL friends or companionship right now, and I haven't been clicking with anyone offline. So, I’d love to find a close friend who is also feeling a bit isolated and actually wants to build a long-term bond. I mostly spend my time playing games, listening to music, and watching movies with my mom. I’d love to find someone to play co-op games or action JRPGs with (like the Tales of series using Parsec).

Just as a heads-up: I'm an emotionally sensitive person, and I value real vulnerability and honesty. If you already have a full social circle and/or a best friend, and are just looking for a casual, low-priority person, we probably won't be compatible. I’m hoping to find someone where we both actively choose each other, you know? 😊

A few other things to mention:

• I usually get pretty anxious around phone calls, although if we ever watch a movie together (or play a game that requires communication), I wouldn't mind VC
• I live in the West Coast, so UTC-8 - would be nice if we lived in somewhat similar time zones
• I mostly use Discord to chat, but I also just created a Stoat account if you're anti-Discord
• I don't really like to ignore people, and I think ghosting is a form of ignoring. Therefore, I'd appreciate it if you tried to be at least somewhat consistent with messaging!
• I reply somewhat slow on reddit chat, because I don't like the UI (and how it's usually confined to the bottom right corner). I also get more nervous over checking reddit DMs than Discord, so please don't take it personally if I don't get back to you right away >_<
• If we really click, then maybe we can hang out in person. That would be a lot of fun!
• I'm not that picky with age, but definitely not teenagers. (Besides, I don't feel like teenagers would want to talk to me anyway, so.) 🤷‍♀️

If this post resonates with you at all, feel free to send a message telling me a bit about yourself and what kinds of games you like! 🎮

I'm gonna sleep now, but I'll respond in the morning! Sweet dreams, cute people! 😴

i feel like it's incredibly stigmatized for a woman to say that she has no friends, even if it's the truth. you see a lot of post from straight cis men saying they have no friends, no girlfriend, but you don't hear the same thing from women.

i dunno. they just never talked to me in school. never wanted to know me, never invited me out to play. just me, video games, and maybe books during summer breaks.

i don't want to be dismissed. people always seem to have the impression that it's really easy for women to make friends, but I never had a typical childhood female socialization. i was probably no different from being homeschooled, really

it's so hard to trust people now

i get emotionally attached to someone, and they always find a way to hurt me, betray me, make me feel worthless

its not fair that so many people get to have uncomplicated social lives, comfortable love lives. people keep wounding me. i just never feel safe around anyone.

people are hard wired to be social and yet they also keep poking at my most vulnerable spots. i still keep thinking about this one girl who reached out to me in response to a post I made about wanting a best friend. i genuinely liked her, and we got along for a while, but she made me cry. she mocked me for having mental health disabilities.

i just really want a hug

I've heard multiple comments from multiple users about how empathy is mostly useless. granted, most of those comments were from men, and masculine gender roles make it rather difficult to openly be vulnerable.

I think empathy is a gender neutral concept. no, I'll be stricter. Empathy is gender neutral. trying to understand how the other person feels, or even thinks, is very important. I've seen people mock each other many times, condescending behavior, name-calling (like casually calling someone narcissistic without understanding what it really means), etc. they never stop and think, "How would the other person feel if I posted this comment?" empathy doesn't even have to literally be about "feeling what the other person feels", because that's difficult for a lot of people. it just has to be about putting yourself in another person's shoes.

the reason empathy seems to get dismissed a lot, especially in masculine spaces, is because empathy is the opposite of tough love. tough love doesn't care about feelings; tough love simply demands that you take action, that you hustle and make yourself productive. but everyone is inherently emotional. even mathematicians and scientists have feelings.

I also think that empathy, truly listening to someone's narrative without judgment, is itself a form of action. caring about the other person, understanding their heart, so to speak. it makes the other person feel like they matter, which can indirectly motivate them to try to change their life, if that's what they want anyway. I've mentioned this a couple of times, but shame is not a particularly strong motivator, and tough love (which isn't even love, really) only reinforces feelings of shame and guilt.

people say it's supposed to be the easiest time to connect with others. but for me personally, other girls (yeah, I am one also) never bothered talking to me. they didn't even bully me, they just kind of... ignored me. never invited me to their sleepovers and hangouts, no road trips, fucking nothing.

haha yeah :)

by that I mean your threshold for stress, a panic attack, or a meltdown is exceptionally low. it's one of the reasons that I feel like I'm not suited for a professional life

I also have really thin skin (by that I mean emotional sensitivity) but society explicitly values thick skin, particularly in professional contexts, which is honestly pretty shitty.

for context I'm 34F. unlike most neurodivergent girls I'm not particularly good at masking, which only makes things even harder for me

Even though my usual writing style involves mostly lowercase letters, I’m gong to type properly for this one, because it’s going to be a long post, and I want it to be readable for you guys. I’m probably still gonna use the occasional emoji or emoticon, though, but I hope they don’t detract you from understanding my main points. :’)

Anyway, I’m a 34-year-old girl (calling myself a woman still feels really awkward for some reason), and I’ve been living with my verbally abusive mother for almost my entire life. I don’t have any IRL friends, and I haven’t worked since 2019. I’ve also been single for most of my life, and no, I’m not going to entertain comments like, “But you’re a girl! You should’ve had such an easy time finding guys!” The truth is, not a single man has ever taken an interest in me romantically. I don’t really feel like going into details, because my love life isn’t the point of this post anyway. -_-

Then why am I making this post? Because I want to be heard and understood.

People usually have this idea that women are generally more “successful” than men. Many NEET girls I’ve noticed are in relationships. I also see fewer unemployed women in NEET spaces in general, especially the main one (which I’m no longer visiting because people there are quite condescending towards my worldviews). I think it’s partially a visibility thing: the truly isolated, single women are probably too ashamed to make their lives public, so you only see the functional, socially integrated ones. I think there is probably more stigma towards women who don’t have friends or are single (not divorced, but straight up single and unmarried), and that stigma usually gets worse as you get older. I actually tried making a post in a friend-finding community for my city, and almost every single woman who replied was married. I think I made a similar thread talking about how people in their thirties are not “allowed” to be unemployed or hikikomori. You can check it out here, if you like. Anyway, I don’t like posting about the same thing multiple times, so let’s move onto my current situation.

Like I said, I don’t have IRL companions, platonic or romantic, and I’m completely crippled by relational trauma. I know that complex trauma often gets minimized, because it’s perceived as “not as serious” as acute trauma, like sexual assault, famine, or war. I don’t really feel like having to justify my experiences, so if you are going to mock me, I will straight up ignore you.

I’ve been burned, excluded, rejected, dismissed, betrayed, and ignored by so many people that I’ve built up an entire fortress around my heart. I don’t trust people in general. I constantly have a resting bitch face, and I often put my hands in my pockets with my earbuds on. I make myself as unapproachable as possible because I’m afraid of being hurt again. And yet, at the same time, I want closeness more than anything. A chosen family. Maybe a best friend, if I get to be that lucky. 🥰

People will often tell you things like, “Nothing is going to change if you don’t take action.” Well, no shit? Everyone knows that. But that fortress, while it keeps me reasonably safe, also keeps me isolated. It’s not so easy to “put myself out there” when all you’re going to get at board game events is small talk and competitiveness. I’ve been to a few before, and they just didn’t resonate with me. I even went to an LGBT book club, and didn’t click with the people there either. They all feel so cliquey, like they don’t actually want to get to know new people, but they pretend to be inclusive anyway.

And that “nothing is going to change” attitude extends to careers as well. I was fired from a volunteering position without even being given a warning. I actually thought I was doing a good job, too, but the one time a coworker was being bossy (while being nice to everyone else), I had a panic attack, and I cried in the bathroom for 30 minutes. If they were going to fire me for this so-called “unprofessional conduct”, they should’ve at least warned me. And my last job in 2019 was actually an internship. I was contracted for 8 months, but my team (I was a software developer intern) said they were “too busy” to train me and introduce me to the codebase. And even when I tried being proactive and asking my manager for tasks, he promptly ignored me, saying that he too was “busy”. So, for the first half of my internship (four months), I ended up getting paid to do nothing, which actually sucked, because I had nothing to show on my CV. And the on the second half, my manager hires another intern, and he shows that intern far more respect than me. I think that new intern, a young Asian man (I myself am also Asian), was probably neurotypical, which may have been why my manager (and the rest of my team) respected him more than me. I had close to a 4.0 GPA when applying to internships, so I thought my team would offer me a similar level of respect, but no. Apparently, I was too “socially awkward” for them. By the time my internship was over, I’d ask my former manager for references, or even career guidance (like referrals to other companies that he knew who were also hiring), and he ignored every single email I sent. It felt like complete betrayal, just like the volunteering place. 💔

So, my professional life has been basically cooked for a long time. My mental health was too miserable to focus on executive-function heavy tasks, like personal projects. Like I mentioned in that other thread, I’m also terrible at self-learning (autodidacticism, according to Google), which only made things harder. I graduated from computer science in 2020 (which makes me sound like a zoomer, but trust me, I am a millennial – I went to two different colleges to study two different things), and since there were a lot of tech layoffs at the time, especially in my city, the competition was quite fierce. I’m not a naturally competitive, ambitious person, and with my executive functioning impairments and my miserable mental health, it was pretty much impossible to even get low-paying jobs, like IT support or quality assurance. Yeah, I didn’t even get interviews for those, either.

Normally, I wouldn’t give a shit if I couldn’t get hired. I’m one of those people who has learned to detach her self-worth from conventional success, such as having a high income or holding a prestigious occupation. The only reason I wanted to make money was so I could escape from the clutches of my hostile, neglectful mother, who basically “abandoned” me emotionally.

It was easy for her to lie to herself that I was normal and neurotypical. I was genuinely fucking struggling with making friends, though. None of the classmates talked to me in elementary school. Our family moved to Canada before the dawn of the new millennium, and the kids there probably didn’t like me because I was ESL at the time. Even though I picked up English quickly, the kids still didn’t want to be friends with me. The other girls, especially – they didn’t even mock or bully me; they pretended I did not exist, which is arguably even worse than being openly harassed. It’s like they’re saying, “You’re not even worth my breath”. My mom probably knew that something was going on, but she never saw me in class, struggling, spending recess by myself. And because she never bothered to learn English, blaming her “old age” as an excuse, she was never able to properly communicate with doctors and teachers, either. She lied to herself that I was doing fine socially, because lying to yourself means you don’t have to feel guilt about how terrible of a parent you were.

People will say things like, “Social anxiety is something that the person has to overcome themselves”, but is that really true? A kid, with very little autonomy and an underdeveloped, immature brain who simply absorbs the messages that she is given by authority figures and peers, she has to overcome social phobia entirely on her own? That’s bullshit. I needed support. Even in high school, when I was too afraid to pursue extracurriculars like band or theater, my mom simply thought, “Oh, she must have not been interested in those things.” She never asked me gently, with curiosity, how I was feeling. If I was struggling to make friends, or if I was feeling alienated or awkward. She expected me to talk about my own life voluntarily, but because I already felt that she was not a safe person (on account of constantly yelling and screaming), I couldn’t do that. I didn’t even want to do that.

I honestly feel like my mom low-key ruined my life. Maybe I’m making excuses, and to an extent, I probably am. But she absolutely, absolutely neglected me, and the yelling too? I don’t think that is ever acceptable behavior from a parent. I’m not innocent either. I splashed water on her face when she kept pushing my buttons, even though I was pretty adamant about wanting to be left alone. Like, even if I sequestered myself into my room to disengage, she would shove herself into my room, forcing me to re-engage. There was even a really traumatic incident that I don’t feel comfy talking about publicly.

Can I blame my mother for ruining my career? Not entirely, but because she never provided a safe home environment, I was never able to develop the skills required to succeed. Because of her, my baseline levels of stress were always high, and I was never able to focus on personal projects. Because of her, my massive levels of social anxiety, which were brought upon by continuous exclusion from peers, were never resolved and in fact only got worse over recent years. Because of her, I don’t even feel safe in my room. She could just open the door without knocking, she could start yelling at me, she could start another confrontation that I really don’t have the energy for. I’m honestly really, really afraid of my mother. But as I said earlier, I don’t have a single friend in my city, so I wouldn’t be able to crash anywhere anyway.

It’s as if my career difficulties, my social difficulties, and my household difficulties have combined into something much worse, much more sinister, than the sum of its parts. It takes all the mental fortitude I have just to survive a single day. Forget about productivity; I don’t even have the mental energy for that anymore. I am seeing a therapist, and they’ve been the best out of the eight or ten that I’ve seen my entire life. But even I won’t be able to see them forever, because there is a hard limit of 10 sessions (which they were somehow able to extend to 15 sessions, which still doesn’t feel like enough).

Because I’ll no longer see my therapist after a certain point, I really feel like there is no safe place, no home, no one to give me a hug when I’m suffering. 😟  (Though it’s not like the therapist was able to hug me anyway due to professional reasons, hahaha.)

I'm a comp sci graduate since 2020 with a pretty high GPA, but I could never find employment after graduating. part of the reason is that I could never motivate myself to work on personal projects, because it's hard to focus on a long-term task when you have executive functioning issues! I'd either get stressed out with bugs, I'd get bored of the project midway and not finish, or I'd simply not have the mental energy to commit.

not to mention, I learn so much better in structured environments, even though the vast majority of practice time (whether it be for piano, coding, drawing, or any other skill-based hobby) has to be done on your own 😅

my baseline mood is absolutely miserable due to ongoing trauma (might make a post about it some other day), so a lot of my days are spent merely on surviving. playing a wide variety of single player video games: to build my problem solving skills (puzzle games), to analyze the themes and narratives of story-based games (mainly role playing games, but even something like Abzû counts as a minimalist story game), or to simply appreciate the art and soundtrack (Final Fantasy series in particular). so, it's not like I'm completely bedrotting, but creative tasks in particular are very difficult for me precisely because they require immense amounts of executive functioning.

anyone else relate? 🥲

i don't really want to talk about my own trauma right now because people will probably mock me for it, but anyone else relate?

Someone else also said that "physical pain" is the only valid kind of suffering, and I also found that quite hurtful. I really don't like "tough-lovey" people at all

i'm not really in the place where i can apply to decent-paying jobs, despite having a university degree with a good GPA. i've been unemployed for six years, and for whatever reason, no one wants to be my reference. there are some volunteering organizations that require two references, and I don't even have those two. apparently I'm not even qualified for unpaid positions, fml.

not to mention, everyone that I used to know already left me and it's so fucking hard to make close friends offline. no one wants to be more than acquaintances with me, even at those stupid "board game" meetups or whatever. no one gives a shit about me.

and so, I recently made a post in a platonic friend-finding community in my city. i said I was specifically looking for other girls to talk to, who were somewhat close to my age, but everyone who messaged me was married and had good-paying, busy careers. it just kind of made me feel like shit, honestly.

why do people feel the need to sound impressive and polished when they're reaching out? why do they feel the need to be curated? I always mention that I've been out of the workforce for a long time when I make these posts. I mention that i'm looking for women who are also quite isolated and are looking for close friends, and it's infuriating how I keep attracting the wrong people.

i don't know. i hate it so much.

i don't want unsolicited career advice. i'm not in the headspace to be spamming CVs on indeed that never get responses anyway.

READ FIRST: I am strictly looking to connect with other single women. If you have a husband, a fiancé, a romantic partner in general, or a highly active inner circle, please do not reply. I'm not looking to be a casual weekend supplement for someone who already has their favorite person back at home. (Also, the reason I prefer talking to women - cis and trans - isn't because I want to date girls; it's more like I don't feel comfortable talking with most men.)

Hey, readers! 🙋‍♀️ I'd love to connect with a warm, gentle soul who also happens to enjoy games. I mainly play singleplayer games, because I don't actually have anyone to play multiplayer games with, haha… Although, maybe one day, that'll change. It would be a lot of fun to play a silly game with a close friend, a game where we can both act stupid and laugh about it the whole time.

Anyway, some of my favorite games are:

• Super Mario 64
• Bloodborne (although I no longer own a PS4, rip)
• Umineko When They Cry
• NieR (the original, not Automata)
• Final Fantasy X
• Xenosaga series

In general, I enjoy JRPGs (and turn-based games in general) and puzzle games, but I also like music games, adventure/mystery games (like the Chzo Mythos series) and occasionally action RPGs. I don't usually enjoy competitive PvP games like League of Legends or Counter-Strike, because the communities are almost always too toxic for my tastes. When I had other people to game with, I'd enjoy Lethal Company (even though I'm really bad with horror games in general) as well as Monster Hunter World**.** ⚔

I am also a bit of a cinephile, although I'm not pretentious about movies. What I mean to say is that I generally take an analytical approach when reviewing or critiquing films. My two favorite films are Blade Runner and 2001: A Space Odyssey. 🔫 However, I also enjoy most genres except jumpscare-heavy horror (like The Ring or Evil Dead).

As for the real world, I've been unemployed for six years, I'm seeing a therapist to try to overcome my social traumas, and my baseline energy level is relatively low, both physically and mentally, so I'm not exactly what you'd call "hyperproductive". I'm also considering volunteering once a week or so, like at a food bank or something. I don't handle stress particularly well, so paid work, especially full time work, might be too overwhelming for me.

I try to be compassionate towards others, trying my best to make the other person feel heard and understood. I want to be an empathetic person, because I myself want to be understood. I want to talk to someone who wouldn't mock me for my social struggles, someone who would see the worst parts of me and accept me anyway. I've been wounded by so many people over the course of my life, so I might be a little difficult, but it would be really nice to have a long-term friend who's always in my corner.

As a final note, I really don't like being ignored consistently (which includes being ghosted). If you're the type of person who ghost as soon as you decide that I'm no longer worth talking to, then please let me know before you cut things off. I'd rather you be honest and tell me how you feel. In fact, I prefer people who are candid about their feelings in general.

If I seem like the kind of person you could get along with, please send me a DM! 😊

I don't really want advice. I don't want to be lectured. i just want people to understand what I'm talking about

and please spare me the "don't take it personally" bs. I'm a very thin skinned, emotionally sensitive person, and I don't think its fair that only thick skin is acceptable in this world. if people were less hostile, then thin skin wouldn't be seen as a weakness.

sure, i live with a terrifying, abusive mother, and I'd love to get some kind of disability housing to get away from her, but I've also never really had emotionally close friendships, esp with other women. i never got to feel like "one of the girls", so that's what im prioritizing at the moment.

besides, i have such a low tolerance for stress now, i get emotionally overwhelmed very easily by the smallest amount of adversity. even if i was lucky enough to get hired somewhere, i would probably get fired within a week 😅

for context, I'm living with various disabilities that I don't feel too comfortable sharing, so I haven't worked in over six years. because I'm unemployed, I also live with family, and I don't go to school either, so I'm totally isolated.

I tried book clubs, board game events, DND one-shots, volunteering—I just don't click with anyone. and no one takes an interest in being friends anyway. it might be because I'm neurodivergent and don't know how to mask. but when I make posts looking for friends online, I keep attracting all the wrong people. people who are married, people who are functional and wouldn't know what it's like to be isolated for such a long time. and because of feelings of envy, I don't really feel safe talking to these strangers anyway. I feel like I only get along with other "misfits"—people who aren't conventionally successful, people who don't have saturated social lives, people who know what it's like to be different.

I guess I'm just having a really hard time with all this. I just wish there was another girl in my city who'd hang out with me and give me a warm hug. 🥲

or am I the only one? lol

i know that often you have to take action in order for your life to get better. like, going out for a walk, meeting new people, whatever. but I also hear things like "stop dwelling on the past" or "there's nothing you can do, so move on". while it is true that people cannot influence the past, some of us, many of us, struggle with traumatic experiences, whether it be big T trauma (like physical abuse) or little t trauma (constantly being excluded by others).

I don't think it's fair to ignore the past, because trauma needs to be unpacked and processed. if past traumatic memories influence how you think and behave today, then if you don't do anything about the trauma, the it becomes a lot harder to make meaningful progress for the future.

ruminating on your past is your brain trying to tell you that there is a problem. one reason we keep ruminating on a certain event is because there were lessons we've learned from the event about ourselves and about other people. there are other reasons too, but they all point to an unresolved scenario that doesn't appear to have any closure.

so, in conclusion: yeah, if you want to go outside, make your life better, then there is nothing else to do but try. however, practically speaking there are mental barriers that get in the way, many of which come from our past. it explains why we don't want to go out, why we want to isolate, why we can't or won't trust anyone.