u/vampirehourz

Hey I (f, 31, 6 years out from my tbi, post concussive syndrome) am REALLY struggling. When I am listening to someone speak (in this case my girlfriend), I am really intently listening, I am repeating what they say to me in my head and I ask clarifying questions. When they ask me to repeat what they said or what they just said, and I repeat it, they say I got it wrong and I wasnt listening. If I bring up something in the conversation that i want to address, I get a "i didnt say that what are you even saying right now, why arent you listening to me" and i feel so defeated because i swear to GOD thats what was said and then i feel like i have to be so brain damaged to be this way.

If I dont repeat in my head what theyre saying to me as theyre saying it, I almost always forget it. I even make mental markers *dont forget this* like that. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt.

Sometimes I do get really lost in a conversation with heavy emotion or new information, I have asked for time to process, i take pauses/breaks. I choose my words very carefully. Still this happens.

When a long period of time happens like 2 months, I start to forget things like details of what we have talked about previously. Even when ive written it down, even when its extremely important. Recently I asked my partner if they were struggling with suicidal thoughts bc it seemed like she was, when I asked that she got VERY mad and told me she is frustrated I dont listen to her at all because if I did I would know to not ask this question and trigger her.

I understand her frustration and anger. I dont know how I forgot this big trigger and i have felt guilt for days since i did this. I was also concerned about her and her safety which is why I even asked to begin with. I had a friend who died by suicide and I didnt ask him if he was feeling suicidal and its one of my biggest regrets. The way I asked her if she was feeling this way, was in a clarifying way bc she made a statement that sounded like it. She wasnt. And then she was triggered and angry I had forgotten being asked this triggers her.

I dont understand why I can remember sometimes what someone was wearing 2 months ago but cant remember something like this. I even WRITE DOWN her triggers, and the important things I look at them often and I still forget.

She almost broke up with me over this. I told her ill do and learn anything to become a better listener and improve my memory. I reminded her of my TBI and my capabilities but told her im not saying that as an excuse or that it cant improve or that I dont want to improve. She told me she worried this was all I was capable of and it broke my heart.

We eventually made up, but my heart feels very broken. Besides this, we have a very loving relationship, we have fun together, we learn together and grow together. But I am so afraid these two aspects of me will force her to turn away and I wouldn't blame her at all. I dont exactly love myself. I really really REALLY try to deeply love myself. But it hurts so bad when aspects of my TBI harm my relationships. If im being honest it makes me suicidal. It makes me feel like I will be alone forever.

Where do I go from here? How do I improve? What should I learn/listen too? Im looking/researching things on my own, but am struggling to find things that are relevant to someone with brain damage and post concussion syndrome. My Neurologist is no help btw, he shrugs his shoulders stopped going to him bc he makes me feel hopeless. My insurance wont pay for Cognitive therapy which was actually really helping me. Its unfortunately out of my budget right now. I cant find one that's affordable.

Yall I got a yeast infection from something in June. It never fully went away. I kept getting retriggered over and over by 4 things. CAPB chemical in my shampoo and possibly a cleaner i used, a chemical in my conditioner (can't figure out what), a severe chemical burn from monistat 1 day (NEVER AGAIN),

BUT ESPECIALLY costco toilet paper. Switched to seventh generation and it was like sandpaper and my whole pussy stayed bright red and got these irritation bumps. Went back to costco brand, bumps went away bc it was softer but became itchy everywhere including vulva and anus and all my skin in between and around. Ive been MISERABLE. Been on a 3 day every 3 days course of Fluoconazole like 2x-3x a month. It clears then gets bad ALL OVA again. Tested for candida. Started a better probiotic things improve but then get worse all over.

Today I switched from costco tp, to water wipes. Within HOURS my entire vulva went back to normal color. It has been cherry red for 2 WHOLE MONTHS and itchy as hell and on fire. I get yeast infections but they dont look or respond like this and at most last a week.

Googled this and reddit searched and yall have also been suffering even men have, wtaf are we doing. Why is there toxic toilet paper?!?!?!? This shouldnt exist?!

Like this got to the point I couldnt have any kind of bush bc my own hair was like sandpaper. Wtf. I have great hygiene. Never reacted to these chemicals in my life so why am I all of a sudden having such severe reactions??

I researched CAPB chemical and its so common to have allergic reactions to it so why does it even exist??? If we have chemicals that cause such great damage to humans WHY ARE WE DOING THIS. SOMEONE EXPLAIN. Like I suffered for 2 months and today ONLY have I felt like 35% better. Wtaf. Here's to hoping I keep improving bc this has been the hottest summer of my life and I havent been able to swim.

Heyyall im really struggling. I was triggered by a conversation i had with my girlfriend. I am also female. She told me that when i comfort her I come off as robotic and emotionless. That I say "too good" things and I come off as im trying to be perfect instead of being there for her. I fully understand she feels this way and am very confused but do validate her feelings.

This entire convo triggered me bc of the cptsd with my dad. I was his therapist starting from age 7ish. I was giving advice to a man on things I wasnt qualified for and was doing extensive research into the things hed talk to me about in order to be there for him in the "right" way. If I was there for him in the "wrong" way, the fall out was very bad, insults, yelling for hours, calling me selfish etc.

I feel like this did make me relatively robotic when I am trying to be there for someone. I also think im very comforting and loving and say the things I would like to hear if I was in the same circumstance and say the things my gf would like to hear that would reassure her but I was wrong.

Her getting frustrated with me and telling me I was comforting her the wrong way, caused me to instantly dissociate. She told me what she wants/needs from me instead and that was very helpful I can do those things.

But a huge huge trigger came up; I dont know who I was or how I was before I became my dad's therapist so young. I dont remember. I only remember forcing myself into a persona that helped him. I feel the gear shift/change in myself. I do become detached from my emotions in order to completely empathize and be there for someone else and that is very disturbing to my girlfriend.

Its disturbing to me bc i didnt even realize I was doing it. Its disturbing to me bc who am I. Who am I without this.

I am completely not at th3 wheel of my body. I feel like im.bejng controlled by a benevolent beeing who is feeding me and taking care of me. Its hard for me to even write this i feel like im fighting to come through. I like cant FEEL anything for the last 14 hours except the intensity of a panic attack below the surface.

I don't know what to do. I dont know how to cope. I dont know how to think. I will take any advice. My heart and soul feel empty and I hate this. I usually feel so much and now I feel completely vacant. I can barely talk to people and socialize and im at my girlfriends show tonight and I cannot get it togeyher. I keep reliving what I went throigh with my dad. Over and ov3r. YEARS of memories. I need it to stop.

Really struggling today. Had a very dehumanizing experience at urgent care where I went bc my cramps were extremely bad, I asked for toradol and while sobbing in pain had to advocate for myself within an inch of my life. Then I was told "you need better pain management", I explained through sobs this is the only pain mgmt I have been allow3d. Every dr says ONLY Tylenol ibuprofen or torradol. The dr replied "still, you need better pain mgmt" not realizing SHE is the pain management.

She told me toradol puts me at a risk for heart attack. I said doesnt untreated pain this severe also put me at a risk for heart attack? She agreed and thats when she finally agreed to give me toradol.

I left that office feeling more alone than ever before. I love my girlfriend so much but she is like not really responding to how severe this situation feels for me. She says she is sorry which I truly do believe but I feel like there is a wall between endo patients and non endo patients and its so frustrating.

I just have my cat which I love with all my life. But sometimes I just deeply want someone, a dr, a friend, who really gets it and comforts me. Tells me its not fair. Is there for me in the ways I need. I feel so small and alone and my pain is back at a 9 again. I do everything right. I take the supplements. I eliminated stress. I have a good diet. But its so out of my control, all these flares dont follow any logic or reason, they dont care what supplements you take or how good you eat.

I feel defeated and depressed. I just want like a 1 hour long hug.

Hey yall. I have been under a semi amount of stress that fluctuates after having a horrible friend break up 2 years ago.

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Our friendship ended because I have health issues and missed their wedding because of the health issue which was an emergency situation I had done EVERYTHING in my power to avoid. I did not attend the service but caused no disruption to the wedding itself at all. I was able to make it to the reception even tho I couldnt stand up and had to sit. I have severe endometriosis along with several other severe health issues that collided on this day despite spending about a year in preparation for nothing bad to happen on this day. Bad happened anyways bc bodies suck and dont care what you plan. Basically; I had an ovarian cyst burst, a severe migraine, and an endometriosis flare within a 24 hour period, day of the wedding cyst burst 1 HOUR BEFORE CEREMONY (worst one ive had actually) and the pain ended up lasting 4 SOLID days.

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This friend and I were brothers basically for 20 years. It was the best thing ever. We made a pact as kids to stay brothers forever. His wife said I ruined the wedding and is "uncomfortable" around me, wont see me but wont say why exactly, said she is still upset I ruined her wedding??? and told my friend he also cannot see me because that would make her "uncomfortable".The friend still interacts with me on social media which is very confusing and almost makes it worse.

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I am literally plagued by this and part of what I cannot break out of is the voices. Everything in my life exists with this unsaid idea that an audience is watching. The audience cheers, boos, gives me things to say, criticizes me, tells me when im making bad decisions tells me when im making good decisions, tells me how to survive traumatic situations etc. They can be really wonderful and sometimes it feels like an advantage when I talk to other ppl about their brain. Sometimes it feels like I have elite version of brain bc I have like 10 ppl with different specialties helping me.

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The audience is VERY MEAN to me about the dissolution of this brotherhood, he and I made a pact as kids and I am reminded constantly by the audience about this. And its all different people reminding me, rewinding the footage and replaying the scene or freezing the frame. I can literally hear them talking about it when im trying to do other shit. Sometimes I have to yell STOP and everyone outside of my head looks at me like im nuts.

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Now I also have very kind characters in my brain who take care of me when I cannot, they basically take over. They dont have names, and I look at it as like I get to be a doll, and the character taking care of me is like taking care of her doll. That character is amazing and life saving. Also characters who fully I s2g turn me evil and sabotage my entire life and I am afraid of them and the other characters in the audience work very hard to keep them at bay. Theres A LOT of arguing going on, shaming, and punishment happening seemingly every damn day the last 2 years and then counter acted by characters who have kindness and self parenting skills almost. Theres a character who is a man and I am often very confused when I look in the mirror and see a woman and not the man I feel like ive been all day. I love being a woman actually, but I also really like this version of myself like who I am when this character is in control, its close to the best and most healthiest version of me. The woman version of this character i hardly EVER get to experience her its so unfair.

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Now ive been evaluated for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder MANY TIMES. Nearly 5 times. And its never that! Im told I have cptsd, anxiety, depression. Thats fine whatever. However LATELY the characters of my audience are getting to be too much like I feel like im going crazy. I cant keep anyone quiet, I cant think, I have immense things being said to me that make me feel guilty and bad. I cant sleep. I am having a hard time getting anything done.

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I have a therapist. She has 1x said maybe this is a system or DID but she wasnt sure as ive experienced so much intense trauma. No one in my head has a name really. Just a general vibe and sometimes a face/way of being/sometimes an age.

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Basically; I dont know wtf is happening to me and this week I feel VERY OVERWHELMED. My brain wont shut the fuck up ever, I am walking around feeling guilty over something I didnt do and isnt my fault but is being meanly told to me its my fault and their voice is the loudest. I already apologized multiple times to my brother/friend for having health problems and the audience didnt like that either AT ALL. All the kind characters were disappointed and that felt AWFUL also. All the mean characters were smug about it and that also felt awful 😭

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Idk wtf THEY want or what I WANT except for some peace and QUIET. And to not feel like im being ripped into tiny little pieces until I no longer exist.

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Is there any kind of coping skills? Any kind of relaxation thing? Anyone have ANY IDEA wtf is happening to me and how to get everyone in my brain to chill tf out and accept the reality of this situation (friend won't be my fri3nd and I cant fix it, that reality). Its getting to the point where I understand why people resort to hard drugs bc this is misery. I am scared a lot of the time because I cant fully explain this to anyone without ppl looking at me like im a liar, or evaluating me YET AGAIN for schizophrenia and then telling me im fine. I would be fine with ANY diagnosis if it helped end this and give me peace or make everyone in my brain chill out.

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Some of my characters are amazing, theyve helped me so much creatively, they feed me when I cant, they are kind to me when no one else is, when im in severe pain they comfort me. Those characters keep me alive. Lately those characters arent super present. Idk how to make them be. Idk WHAT IS HAPPENING TO BE HONEST except the entire ecosystem is oit of whack and I cant find any resources to "balance" it.

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Thank you so much if you made it this far. I really appreciate you.

Someone was v blatantly homophobic to my girlfriend tonight and I wasnt there when it happened found out after. How do yall deal with this level of anger when something like this happens? This person was a "christian" and it was the least christian thing someone could do. I love my girlfriend and I would do anything for her including fight a grown man, however like this is the world we live in. And it makes me SO angry. And I have nowhere to put this anger. But I feel like it has to go somewhere. The worst thing is realizing I cannot always protect her from evil shitty people who want to hurt her. It makes me frankly really mad at God. Why does God create these factions of people who are so hurtful and cruel? If God knows everything, why arent these people shown some kind of light onto their cruelty?