u/vanillapudd

Posted a bunch of times before. Blah blah PTSD. Blah blah depression. Blah blah blah unemployed for 8 months. You know the drill.

This year I actually have no hope for the rest of my life. The only thing that got me through my abuse as a child was the hope that I’d become a strong, beautiful, successful woman and it would all be worth it. That didn’t happen. My therapist used to ask me “What would little you say?” and honestly? I think she would’ve ended it at 14 like she wanted to.

I don’t believe in god at all but sometimes I find myself asking the universe what I did wrong. I say I’m sorry every single day and I feel like life just punishes me.

I think about my funeral every single day. I have the songs I want and know which parts to play them. I collected all the photos to show at my funeral. I wrote all the letters. Don’t really have a plan tho.

What’s funny is all the people who would cry and tell everyone they missed me so much and wished I didn’t do it are exactly the people why I’m in this position. They’ll forget about me in a few years anyways. Maybe they’ll light a candle on my birthday for the first years and then they’ll forget my birthday. My friends will move on. My boyfriend will find someone new. Soon they’ll forget the anniversary of my death. Then they’ll forget my name. Then they’ll forget me all together.

A few weeks ago I stood at the bridge over the train tracks with my hands on the bars and told myself I’d walk away if somebody smiled at me. Nobody even looked at me. I burst into tears, smoked several cigarettes and walked home. I didn’t tell anyone.

I refuse to tell any MH professional because I’m not stupid and at this level + already on medication + little home support = 90% chance of hospitalisation. I won’t have that. I’ll get worse I know it, I have to be safe at home. And the humiliation will kill me.

Went to IKEA tho. It’s a maze in there. Wish I wasn’t broke so I could’ve bought something.

IKEA meat balls + schnitzel.

I genuinely, for all intents and purposes of the word, am a loser. I moved to a new country 8 months ago to try and celebrate life after 3 years of PTSD and guess what- life got WORSE! It’s been 8 months and I can’t get a job in anything, not even working at McDonald’s. I am somehow overqualified for menial jobs yet underqualified for the industry I finished my degree in. I’m in my last year at law school, and at this point, it just feels like a big waste of time. There is honestly very little point in finishing law school other than to get it done and get my family off my back— obviously, I will not be getting a law job anytime soon. I’ve been thinking I might have to do some form of sex work because I can’t continue like this but my BF would not be happy and also… I’m chopped </3

I’m so broke. I have to dig into my rent money every week and then try to patch it up the next week. I sit at home alone all day. I can tell it is annoying my BF, would you like a 23-year-old GF who sits at home jobless all day? I try to occupy myself with studies, but I still feel completely unfulfilled. Literally, if I died tomorrow, who would notice I was gone?

I have never been so embarrassed by myself. I am 23, and my life, as it is, is over before it even started. I’ve been avoiding hanging out with friends and calling my family back home because I am so humiliated.

I had such big dreams for myself when I was 18. I was ready for my life to change after a childhood of abuse. But no- NOPE! I actually ended up getting abused AGAIN! and developed PTSD, and now I give myself a pat on the back if I have a shower and eat two meals every day. What has my life become?

Piece of ayam goreng (fried chicken) I made.

Here’s the situation from my previous post:

So we moved from NZ 6 months ago and landed a place in a very ritzy suburb in Melbourne for cheap. However, we now see why. We have a serious mouse problem.

They crawl in my BFs computer, run across the bench and one even crawled up my pyjama top while I was lying on the couch (so yuck). They leave their turds everywhere and it’s very unhygienic.

We’ve done everything including traps, bait and even got pest control in but they’re still here. We keep food away and clean up but they’re still here.

We’ve been in contact with PM and they did help us with the pest control but pest control also advised the mice may be in the complex walls and therefore there is little we can do until that is fixed. I emailed PM again after we found a dead, hairless newborn mouse in the bottom of our bin which is disturbing because that means they’re 100% breeding. I don’t even know how it got in there! It’s getting colder and I think it will only get worse into winter.

Update:

The PM asked us to ask the neighbours if they had mice so I left a note on the front door of the block because nobody really speaks to each other. I got confirmation that at least 2 apartments on the same floor also have mice and told PM. They said they would contact OC. Today at like 8pm I receive this under my door. Am I crazy or are they denying there’s a problem? Even pest control told us and PM that it’s likely a problem in the whole building if all the bait and traps didn’t stop them.

23 and ruined my life, at least as it is now. Picked up smoking 3 years ago to deal with PTSD diagnosed in 2023. Final year of law school and barely staying afloat. I had an assignment due in an hour with two extensions but I’ve been crying and throwing up all morning. I did therapy, medication. I’m alive but my soul is dead. I had dreams of a career and a family but I don’t think it will happen anymore. I’m told I owe $2K on my student loan even though I’m still studying. I can’t even get a job, how could I pay for it?

Called a suicide hotline and she just repeated what I said back to me.

All of this because a boy off tinder did something to me when I was 18.

Parmesan truffle gnocchi with roasted broccolini and crispy chicken skin.

Spent all afternoon crying. Didn’t submit an assignment on time because I was so depressed, now I have to email and explain and get a medical certificate. I’m also broke and unemployed which is super lonely, I actually miss coworkers.

Also I think I have ADHD and it’s starting to really impact my life. I am so bored with everything it makes me cry. I never do what I’m supposed to do like shower, chores or uni work until the last minute. I cannot concentrate at all. But it costs $1,000-$1,500 to get diagnosed and I don’t even have $100 right now.

But hung out with my BFs mom which was nice cause my mom is my opp.

Chicken laksa I made the other night before I got sick.

I’ve been wearing make up for over 10 years now which is crazy! All the way from the IG baddies thick dark brows to the bright colours of 2018-2021. But I wanna try something new! I used to have a septum piercing and dyed hair but took it out and I feel like I look real Plain Jane (which is okay but I wanna express myself!)

I wear lashes when I go out so maybe a few times a month but usually just mascara day to day. I have a lot of palettes including pastels and bright colour palettes so I got a lot to work with!!

TIA xxxx

Usually a sativa girl but the plug only had indica carts which was a nice change!

Marinated lamb shanks. Blitzed some softened dates with spices and olive oil and let marinate for a few hours before chucking in the oven at 180 c for 3 hours.

‘Cheats’ biryani style rice made in the rice cooker. Washed basmati rice + drippings from lamb + caramelised onions.

Green chutney w/ garlic, yoghurt, parsley, coriander and a bit of avocado.

Mediterranean salad w/ pickled onions, cherry tomatoes, herbs, cucumber & feta. Homemade dressing.

Topped with toasted slivered almonds and pomegranate seeds.