u/vanillapudd

Very sad. I have PTSD already but my now ex bf became emotionally abusive so I left in the middle of the night two weeks ago after he screamed at me in public. Felt fine until last night I had to pick up some of clothes and I just got so angry seeing the pictures of us on the wall and being back there I called him a “fucking liar”. I feel terrible. So guilty I cried all night and then we argued all night on the phone.

I want to block him but we have to stay in contact until the bond refund is finalised for our apartment.

It’s not fair. Why does he get to walk away while I feel like I’m dying? He keeps saying he didn’t cause all my health problems that have arisen from the stress but it was him. I was so stressed I bled on my birth control. I failed last semester because he made me too sick to go to my exam. I was meant to graduate at the end of the year. I’m only 23.

feeling like a complete failure, which i am and lowkey i wish people would stop treating me like im not. let’s talk about the elephant in the room: I FAILED 🌈

i went to law school but developed PTSD and did really badly. i got 3 scholarships to uni and i completely blew my time there. i have one semester to go and no jobs in sight. gonna try my best to get good grades but honestly just completing it to get my parents off my back tbh. been applying for some graduate roles but haven’t really heard back, i know why. i made an absolute dogs breakfast of my time at uni. i’m smart and switched on but no employer is interested in giving me the time of day when they look at my transcript or my experience.

moved to a new country with my (ex) bf and cant even get a part time job, not even at mcdonald’s. id work anywhere but i just don’t have the experience, i never stuck around long enough. he ended up being abusive so i left him (literally while he was at work) and i failed at that too. i don’t even miss/love him but i still feel like i failed.

even last month when i was trying to leave my abusive relationship i flunked out on my exams (i was so upset i nearly went to hospital) and now i have to try and resit the exam but if not it’ll add another 6 months and everyone will know i failed because im meant to finish in december.

i’ve never been so ashamed of myself. i’m living in my aunts spare room and i hate every second of it. my family (love them) are so loud and intrusive and i just want my own space. i might have a room in a new flat but no point in taking it unless i can find a job.

there’s only so much medication and therapy can do when you just genuinely don’t enjoy your life or have very little purpose. i really am trying my best and it’s genuinely not good enough.

aldi cookie. dry asf but kinda good.

so nearly one week since i left my bf. i am staying at my friends house which is nice but honestly i enjoyed couple/single living so i think one of my goals over the year or so is to have my own apartment 👍🏽 if i get a graduate role (which ive been applying for) im lowkey okay with having to pay extra to live alone. but for now im looking for roommates because its more affordable and i think the socialisation will be good for me.

i dont feel super sad about the break up. we met on friday because he was super insistent on us having a face to face conversation. he says he wasn’t doing coke and i told him at this point he doesn’t have to lie and he insisted. i mean we’ll never know the truth so whooooo cares !

i’m also someone who can easily understand that the man i loved all those years ago doesn’t exist anymore so there is nothing really to miss. and honestly a big portion of the relationship was ‘bad’ so i feel like that has tainted a lot of good memories we had together.

i also told him a lot of things that made me unhappy in the relationship and said no matter whether or not we were falling out of love which each other, i don’t deserve emotional abuse. he basically admitted to being a coward but said he didn’t intend to mistreat me or to the point that i would leave. ?? right right

i actually do not feel that troubled by it, like at the end of the day i left and everybody in my life is congratulating me. i’m graduating, im in a new city and newly single? how could this NOT be good

ugh TMI but kinda chewing at the bit a tad tho cause we were not having sex very often (i think last time was like 6 weeks ago?) and i’m a woman with needs but i don’t know everyone’s kinda unappealing. i don’t even want to sleep with my ex at all but idk maybe it’s getting older but ppl are not as attractive as when i was 18 LOL definitely not interested in dating tho, maybe i’ll just have sex once and then stay away from it all for a bit. i’m also bisexual so this is nice i can be with a girl again !

i’ve wrote down 5 achievable goals to focus on now i have all this free time i was putting into the relationship. yeyuhhh.

hello girl dinner diaries ! remember me? last week i said i was leaving my abusive boyfriend and guess what… i did it !

i was going to leave ASAP anyways but on friday we went out with his friends (my bf was not happy to have me there, i think they ‘forced’ him to invite me). i had lots of fun with his friends and we were drinking. one of the girls came up to me and said his best friend was flirting with her even tho he’s in a relationship and i just told her “okay”. she decided to confront him outside the club and i didn’t say anything. the best friend was actually pretty apologetic and said he didn’t mean it like that but my boyfriend was so angry about it. all i said to my bf was “i know he’s your friend but you don’t know what he said or she’s been through”. he absolutely lost it at me in a kebab shop and screamed at me. for once, i didn’t take it lying down because i knew i didn’t do anything wrong.

i told him to get out and i went outside to his friends. his best friend was absolutely shocked by his behaviour. i was meant to stay with my bf (we were visiting our home town) but his friend took me to his place and let me sleep in his bed and he slept on the couch. i told his best friend about how he had been treating me (possibly a big mistake, i know but we were both drunk) and his friend was so horrified he cried. he told me to leave him and get away as fast as i can.

my bf texted me the next day and apologised (terribly) and said we need to talk. i said let’s talk on monday (today) after he finishes work. JOKES- I PACKED UP ALL MY SHIT AND LEFT WHILE HE WAS AT WORK 💯

i don’t feel sad really, just relieved. i think when you have already been through something traumatic like i have (i have PTSD), in a way you become stronger because i never want to go through something like that again. i think he thought because of my trauma that i’d take things lying down but i am more empowered to defend myself than ever.

when he got home and found me gone he sent me a big long paragraph about how he’s been unhappy and wanted to leave but didn’t want to leave me now because he didn’t want to hurt me 🤨 did psychologically abusing me not hurt me ? he knew damn well how sick he was making me , i told him i don’t believe a word he says

im staying at my friends place, had a gummy and watched a movie.

i’m going back to my home country. i don’t really want to stay here anymore and i want to save money because i lost basically everything i put into our apartment (furniture etc.) ((unless we can come to an agreement where he pays me out but i don’t know if that will happen. he said he’s not angry but i dunno). but im only 23, i definitely don’t feel like my life is over or that i wasted the last 4 years. it taught me a lot and we did have a lot of good times together. such is life!

i made some maple bars at my friends lol. unfortunately i’ve developed stomach problems because of the abuse so i think i will need to do some dietary therapy :// anyways this was yummy !!

I feel bad because she paid for me to get a hair treatment and didn’t tell me what it was, she just told me what time to go to the salon. I asked both her and the hairdresser if it would straighten my hair and they both said no it would just get rid of the frizz. So the lady does the treatment and then blows out and straightens it but the iron was really hot but I just thought she was styling at the end. I searched it up (keratin treatment) and at the very best, my curls will loosen and at worse it is (semi) permanently straight.

I have spent nearly 2 years growing out my curly hair after a bob and now it might be all ruined. My dream hair is to have big long curly hair, kinda like Tracee Ellis Ross. I was only like 6 months - 1yr from that.

And I told both her and the hairdresser SEVERAL TIMES I did not want my hair to be permed/straightened. I think there might have been a bit of a language barrier between me and the hairdresser as well because I’m not sure she understood what I was asking.

My mom told me I was childish and ungrateful for getting upset but I would never have done the treatment if I knew this could happen. I just thought it was some hydrating/conditioning treatment. The hairdresser said nothing about changing my hair texture.

I’m going to another hairdresser tomorrow to get advice on what to do. I really hope my curls aren’t fully gone. I’m already under so much stress in my personal life.

Breakfast for dinner

TW: Abuse, drug use

LOL found out that my boyfriend of 4 years is >!actually psychologically abusing me and his jokes about killing/hurting me are probably not jokes and!< now I have to leave! (>!If you’re wondering how I didn’t know, I’ve experienced abuse before and he never yelled or hit me/anything so tbf I just thought he was a bad boyfriend and I was too sensitive).!< Luckily I have somewhere to stay but currently in contact with a women’s refuge who are gonna help me end the lease via a family violence order because I have a feeling he will use this to drain me of money. I have PTSD from a previous relationship/SA- I ain’t doing this shit again ! HELL NAW !! 👎

It’s our 4 year anniversary tomorrow and the counsellor advised I go along with plans so he doesn’t catch wind that I’m leaving (I’m gonna leave while he’s at work). Ugh, had to buy him a stupid fuckin gift tho. Got him a Playstation voucher. Smfh.

We went out for dinner with my parents tonight and I played it super cool. He’s clueless. I told a friend where we are staying for our anniversary and told him a secret code to call my parents and the police if needed.

Did I mention >!he’s been doing coke in the bathroom!!<

I also might have an amazing job opportunity back in our old city. I can’t wait to be free. I’m nearly there. I think I can leave next weekend and maybe get a govt payment to help me leave (thanks women’s refuge).

Homemade cinnamon rolls with pumpkin seeds.

Young hos… 🎶 run free… 🎵

Promise this pasta and cabbage was better than it looks.

Literally burst into tears in the dentist chair because I thought I had cancer. Bro was like “it’s a benign bone growth” (tarus mandabilaris). This has given me the motivation to fully quit social smoking because those 24 hours were the scariest of my life.

I’ve been clenching my teeth because I’m trying to leave an abusive relationship. By trying I mean I’m finding other accommodation, getting out of our lease and saving up. I think I can leave in the next fortnight. So if you’re reading this- abuse does have an effect on your body!! (I also have PTSD so I’m constantly stressed).

Share your health overreaction stories if you so desire. It’d make me feel better.

Currently trying to escape an abusive relationship and the stress is killing me. I already have PTSD from a previous relationship. I’m so anxious my period/bleeding comes even though I’m on birth control. I’m starting to have health problems because of it. I feel like I’m dying. Sometimes I think my heart will just stop. I don’t know how the human body could withstand this. I’m only 23 I can’t believe this is my life. All of this alongside trying to finish law school. I feel so sick I didn’t even eat this.

A fried donut thing my mom made.

It’s me again! PTSD diagnosed 3 years ago. Final year at law school and have an exam tomorrow and haven’t studied because my boyfriend (first serious relationship- four years and moved countries together!!) has recently (?) become addicted to cocaine and I am sick with the stress. He also gets in moods and can be very mean to me :-( He yelled at me because I wanted a Christmas card earlier this year and said “aren’t you 23? grow up!”. He knows how much I love handwritten notes :-( It hurt so bad

Honestly, I’m planning on leaving in the next month. My best friend has offered her spare bedroom for free and I think I just have to leave. Part of me just wants to leave and take all my stuff while he’s at work. Maybe that sounds cruel, but he has been very cruel to me at times. Maybe I just want to be on the other side for once.

Also unemployed after 8 months and stone cold broke. Wondering if I should move back in with my parents but my mum was pretty emotionally abusive growing up and I just can’t bring myself to go back. I found myself crying for my Mom but I don’t even love her… I just want A Mom :-(

Our four year anniversary is in a week or two and selfishly, I just want to have one nice (last) anniversary so I have kept all my revelations quiet. I love(d) him very much but he is not the man I thought he was. It’s very sad. Very very sad. We get along in all other ways and have similar wants and dreams for life but he has just hurt me too much.

I miss the man I thought he was, I would’ve married him. I would’ve had a family with him. I really would have.

Final law exam tomorrow and haven’t done much, uni knows I have an illness but doesn’t stop the guilt. I feel so ashamed of myself. Went to my (new) doctor, she just stared at me and told me if I ever want to KMS I should go to hospital 😐 Nice, thanks- will do.

Airplane food. I hardly ate anything and threw up in the bathroom afterwards. I don’t even remember the last time I had a full meal.

TW: Drugs

UPDATE: Going to my best friend’s house tonight to discuss how to approach the talk tomorrow. Thanks everyone for all the love 🩷 My first time posting here. Will be back again with better news hopefully.

Don’t even know why he’s hiding it because we smoke weed every night and have done drugs in a party sense including coke so I’m definitely not anti drugs. When I came back from the supermarket on Saturday he had powder in his nose and moustache. On Sunday I saw the baggie through the print of his jeans and heard him take two big sniffs in the bathroom. Last night he stayed in the bathroom for 30 mins and I heard two big sniffs again. He works high end hospitality so that’s where I think he’s getting it from because I’m the one who buys the weed.

It’s so stupid to hide it especially if something went wrong- what would I tell the ambulance if he collapsed?

Honestly girls, everything is going to shit. Been unemployed (against my will) the last 8 months and now this. I have to bring it up with him because we live together and he only has a few friends in our (new) city. I’m thinking I should talk to one of his friends but I don’t know.

IDK 100% if it’s coke but I’m pretty sure it’s not MDMA or ket (I’ve seen how both work) and he seems relatively put together after he’s done it.

We’ve been together 4 years and moved to a new country together.

Fuck my life. Ayam goreng.

Posted a bunch of times before. Blah blah PTSD. Blah blah depression. Blah blah blah unemployed for 8 months. You know the drill.

This year I actually have no hope for the rest of my life. The only thing that got me through my abuse as a child was the hope that I’d become a strong, beautiful, successful woman and it would all be worth it. That didn’t happen. My therapist used to ask me “What would little you say?” and honestly? I think she would’ve ended it at 14 like she wanted to.

I don’t believe in god at all but sometimes I find myself asking the universe what I did wrong. I say I’m sorry every single day and I feel like life just punishes me.

I think about my funeral every single day. I have the songs I want and know which parts to play them. I collected all the photos to show at my funeral. I wrote all the letters. Don’t really have a plan tho.

What’s funny is all the people who would cry and tell everyone they missed me so much and wished I didn’t do it are exactly the people why I’m in this position. They’ll forget about me in a few years anyways. Maybe they’ll light a candle on my birthday for the first years and then they’ll forget my birthday. My friends will move on. My boyfriend will find someone new. Soon they’ll forget the anniversary of my death. Then they’ll forget my name. Then they’ll forget me all together.

A few weeks ago I stood at the bridge over the train tracks with my hands on the bars and told myself I’d walk away if somebody smiled at me. Nobody even looked at me. I burst into tears, smoked several cigarettes and walked home. I didn’t tell anyone.

I refuse to tell any MH professional because I’m not stupid and at this level + already on medication + little home support = 90% chance of hospitalisation. I won’t have that. I’ll get worse I know it, I have to be safe at home. And the humiliation will kill me.

Went to IKEA tho. It’s a maze in there. Wish I wasn’t broke so I could’ve bought something.

IKEA meat balls + schnitzel.

I genuinely, for all intents and purposes of the word, am a loser. I moved to a new country 8 months ago to try and celebrate life after 3 years of PTSD and guess what- life got WORSE! It’s been 8 months and I can’t get a job in anything, not even working at McDonald’s. I am somehow overqualified for menial jobs yet underqualified for the industry I finished my degree in. I’m in my last year at law school, and at this point, it just feels like a big waste of time. There is honestly very little point in finishing law school other than to get it done and get my family off my back— obviously, I will not be getting a law job anytime soon. I’ve been thinking I might have to do some form of sex work because I can’t continue like this but my BF would not be happy and also… I’m chopped </3

I’m so broke. I have to dig into my rent money every week and then try to patch it up the next week. I sit at home alone all day. I can tell it is annoying my BF, would you like a 23-year-old GF who sits at home jobless all day? I try to occupy myself with studies, but I still feel completely unfulfilled. Literally, if I died tomorrow, who would notice I was gone?

I have never been so embarrassed by myself. I am 23, and my life, as it is, is over before it even started. I’ve been avoiding hanging out with friends and calling my family back home because I am so humiliated.

I had such big dreams for myself when I was 18. I was ready for my life to change after a childhood of abuse. But no- NOPE! I actually ended up getting abused AGAIN! and developed PTSD, and now I give myself a pat on the back if I have a shower and eat two meals every day. What has my life become?

Piece of ayam goreng (fried chicken) I made.

Here’s the situation from my previous post:

So we moved from NZ 6 months ago and landed a place in a very ritzy suburb in Melbourne for cheap. However, we now see why. We have a serious mouse problem.

They crawl in my BFs computer, run across the bench and one even crawled up my pyjama top while I was lying on the couch (so yuck). They leave their turds everywhere and it’s very unhygienic.

We’ve done everything including traps, bait and even got pest control in but they’re still here. We keep food away and clean up but they’re still here.

We’ve been in contact with PM and they did help us with the pest control but pest control also advised the mice may be in the complex walls and therefore there is little we can do until that is fixed. I emailed PM again after we found a dead, hairless newborn mouse in the bottom of our bin which is disturbing because that means they’re 100% breeding. I don’t even know how it got in there! It’s getting colder and I think it will only get worse into winter.

Update:

The PM asked us to ask the neighbours if they had mice so I left a note on the front door of the block because nobody really speaks to each other. I got confirmation that at least 2 apartments on the same floor also have mice and told PM. They said they would contact OC. Today at like 8pm I receive this under my door. Am I crazy or are they denying there’s a problem? Even pest control told us and PM that it’s likely a problem in the whole building if all the bait and traps didn’t stop them.

23 and ruined my life, at least as it is now. Picked up smoking 3 years ago to deal with PTSD diagnosed in 2023. Final year of law school and barely staying afloat. I had an assignment due in an hour with two extensions but I’ve been crying and throwing up all morning. I did therapy, medication. I’m alive but my soul is dead. I had dreams of a career and a family but I don’t think it will happen anymore. I’m told I owe $2K on my student loan even though I’m still studying. I can’t even get a job, how could I pay for it?

Called a suicide hotline and she just repeated what I said back to me.

All of this because a boy off tinder did something to me when I was 18.

Parmesan truffle gnocchi with roasted broccolini and crispy chicken skin.