u/viksect

Sorry as I'm sure this has been asked before. This is going to be very personal so I appreciate anyone taking the time to listen and give me advice. I was taken advantage of about two weeks ago. While I'm doing better than I was, I don't know if I'm going about this the right way as this is the first time something like this has happened to me. I'm able to move around and wear less concealing clothes and shower regularly now, but I still have trouble looking at and being comfortable in my body when nude, and feeling like it's my body because of that.

I have been able to feel horny since the incident, but the actual thought of intimacy (making out, cuddling, being touched, sex) grosses me out. I don't know if it's because because this recent experience is still fresh in my mind or if it's because it's the only thing I have to reference as far as intimacy goes. But I do actively want that closeness and I don't want what I went through to ruin it as a whole for me. I guess my question is: do these feelings fade away on their own? Is there something I should actively be doing? Should I bite the bullet and just try being intimate with someone so I can have some sort of positive association or positive experience to look back on? I know that won't "replace" my negative memory but I'm sure the fact that my only real frame of reference is something negative doesn't help. I'm not really sure how to go about this or what I'm meant to do and would really appreciate any advice from someone who knows more than I do. Thank you.

Might seem pathetic but I'm 22 and just only recently, a couple days ago, lost my virginity. I regret it so much now. I wish I didn't rush into it I wish he wasn't my first time and I wish I was never emotionally vulnerable with him and I wish I never went to his house. I've never really "put myself out there" so to speak. I've convinced myself for a long time there is no hope for me as a trans person for sex or relationships to the point where I've seriously considered detransitioning over it. I know sex and romantic relationships aren't everything- realistically I could go my whole life without it and be fine. I know I can go my whole life without a romantic relationship. But I've never really felt desirable, and I'm a deeply lonely and desperate person, I feel like I have no worth if I'm not anyone's favorite because I have nothing else going for me. I downloaded grindr to at least try for something, (ideally a relationship but was open to friends with benefits. As long as it wasn't a one time thing- I wanted it to be with someone somewhat significant in my life). and to my surprise, I got quite a few messages. One was this guy who seemed really sweet. He sent me proof of everything- his STD results, his previous "day after" messages with other trans guys he's been with, pictures of himself, etc. all without me asking. I ended up going to his house and he helped guide me through it, was complimenting and reassuring me all the while. It's been a couple days and he's texted me things that made me feel really bad about myself. Mostly about my body hair. He recommended I manscape before I went to his house and I did. He said I didn't have to be completely bald, so I didn't bother shaving everything. He's sent me a few messages since then kind of teasing me about my body hair. He told me my body was perfect but the hair on it gave him error messages, and that bottoms shouldn't be hairy. He said he wanted to give me a mini makeover with my body hair to "maximize my overall attractiveness" and that really stung. I find body hair on guys attractive, so mine makes me feel attractive. And I'm already fighting an uphill battle as a petite trans guy without top surgery. While I pass, I'm definitely already seen as a "lesser man" due to my size and my mannerisms. And while body hair obviously won't change that, it at least gives me some sense of masculinity. He was also giving me mixed messages- "I love when trans people don't care about how they're perceived or look- if I were trans the last thing I would want is to look like the bearded lady from The Greatest Showman." when talking about doing a makeover with my body hair he added "bearded ladies aren't hot lol". I am already a bearded lady in most people's eyes and it hurts to know that's how he sees me too. I'm already so deeply insecure and desperate and lonely to where I've convinced myself no one will find me attractive unless I change myself. It hurts to have someone else confirm that. I've been full on sobbing the last few days knowing that my first time was with someone who wasn't really attracted to me and didn't like me as me. I feel like I've been hoodwinked and I had such a false sense of hope. It hurts to have what I already felt confirmed, that I truly cannot be loved if I do not change myself in some way or another. I really don't know how to cope with this or what to do. Everything hurts so much right now.

TLDR: lost my virginity to a seemingly sweet guy, after a couple of days he made me feel really bad about my body hair. make me feel even more hopeless about ever being seen as attractive or being loved for who i truly am.