u/w1ll0w_ow

I’m not able to cope.
My screen time is averaging close to eleven whole hours every single day.
This is alarming to me.
It’s been going on for months and I am worried about myself.
I am worried that I am not able to get myself out of whatever this phase is.
There isn’t any anchor.
There isn’t any anchor. I just float, and I float away. There isn’t any direction. There isn’t any anchor.

Previously, I have made my love interests my anchors in life. Love has acted like a powerful catalyst for me. Being in love allowed me to move. And showing up for the person I loved allowed me to show up for myself, indirectly.

My understanding is that when I love someone, I try to become them. I hold them as a great ideal and I strive to be more like them, partially, of course. Just the parts I like or am attracted to.

For over a year now, I do not have that kind of dependency on anyone. It’s just me. And “me” is basically nothing. I’m a void. I’m hollow. There is nothing to me.

And I have been living with the hollow every day. I am unable to pull myself out. I try and try. God knows just how hard I try, and all the different ways I have tried. It just doesn’t seem to work and I am just at a loss.

What do I need to do?
What do I need?

Diagnosed (c)ptsd, bpd, pmdd, and other co-morbidities.

I fail to resonate when people talk about how their trauma made them hypersexual, especially as a person dx’ed bpd. I have been sex-averse for as long as I can remember. The ‘sex’ I am averse to includes both sexual acts and the opposite sex.

I am extremely avoidant and I don’t even let the thought of sex stay in my head.

Lately, I have been experiencing intense sexual dreams, often homoerotic or incestuous in nature. I take it as a sign that my body needs a release, because my waking self has not had sexual or any other intimate contact with a person for over a year now.

There have been times in the past few months when, as a result of having these dreams, I have engaged in self-stimulation half-willingly. And the aftermath is always disgust or pretending I didn’t just do that. I am at a point where I don’t ejaculate anymore. Even self-stimulation is painful. Because my body is not even lubricating itself anymore.

This comes months after I had a period of feeling everything as I should. As a person living with cptsd, my emotional baseline is feeling detached and numb. But a few months ago, something shifted in my system and I was able to feel – with all its intensity. My sexual functions also improved, to say the least, and for a limited time, I was able to feel the way I was supposed to feel upon self-stimulating.

Comparing that to now, I just feel broken and wrong. Am I even human anymore? There have been times in my life when I have questioned if I am asexual. I am demi-sexual for sure and I am aware that it falls in the ace-spectrum. But I can’t shake the feeling of something being extremely wrong with me. And feeling of shame and loneliness. And just being alone in what I go through.

I do not know what the point of this post is. I am sorry about the graphic description. I guess I am just trying to put what I live and struggle with out there.

I was just letting myself walk under the Blue Moon tonight and I had the magical experience of seeing an owl perch up on a lamp post across the street, move its head here and there, and then look at me, before spreading its majestic wings and flying away!

Owls symbolise wisdom and intuition in many cultures. Seeing one today, especially under the full moon seemed extra special.

If anyone has any symbolic interpretations for this encounter that they would like to share, it would make me so happy!

It is as if, when I was little, I left pieces of my self in the cartoons I used to watch, and the music and jingles I used to listen.

I remember last year, when I had a sort of an “awakening”, my system came out of chronic numbness for a period of time. I started remembering cartoons I must have watched when I would be two or three or four years old. One of them was Heidi.

I knew I had to rewatch it, and I found the series online easily. I didn’t really remember anything about the storyline of the cartoon. Just the character.

And as I watched the series, episode after episode, it was as if I started remembering. I had a yellow frock, and I had very short hair. And when I used to watch that series, mother and my sibling used to say “look, she looks like you. She has short hair, and you have short hair. She has yellow dress, and you wear yellow dress”. And that made me ecstatic. I believe I didn’t have an idea of how I looked like back then. But watching Heidi, and being compared to her, I must have started seeing myself in her.

That’s where the idea of mountains being home must have also struck with me.

I was Heidi, and my grandfather was an angry man. And I was going to live on the green mountains someday, happily.

There are a few more cartoons I started remembering, and as I watched some of them, I started remembering more of my life as a child. There was one cartoon in which a character resembled the man who was abusing me. I remembered and my body remembered when I saw him on-screen.

The same with music. I started remembering melodies. They would come to me in whispers, bits and pieces, and each would carry a memory, good or bad.

What was it that I experienced?
Has anyone else gone through something like this?