u/wandering_soul1134

Although I wasn’t your first love- you were mine. And since we have both surrendered and gone our separate ways, I’m finally able to breathe. I’m finally able to consider a life outside of our bubble. Just the mere thought of that would’ve caused me a panic attack a few months ago.

I want to be angry with you for so many things. I want to hate you for hurting me. I want to be angry for holding on tightly and for too long. I’m upset over the distance and the silence. But, in this moment, I can’t.

For now, I’m choosing to be grateful. Thank you for the good times. Thank you for allowing me to pour myself into us following a very difficult time in my life. Thank you for all of the laughs, memories, the long nights of passion and everything in between.

Because of you- I didn’t give up on the idea of love. Because of you, I fought to climb out of my comfort zone. Because of you, I faced my fears. Because of you, I kept hope when I was ready to give up.

And while I choose to be grateful for the good times, there is someone new in my life. They are grateful to you for being a catalyst and for letting me go.

Today, it’s all gratitude. Thank you.

Although I wasn’t your first love- you were mine. And since we have both surrendered and gone our separate ways, I’m finally able to breathe. I’m finally able to consider a life outside of our bubble. Just the mere thought of that would’ve caused me a panic attack a few months ago.

I want to be angry with you for so many things. I want to hate you for hurting me. I want to be angry for holding on tightly and for too long. I’m upset over the distance and the silence. But, in this moment, I can’t.

For now, I’m choosing to be grateful. Thank you for the good times. Thank you for allowing me to pour myself into us following a very difficult time in my life. Thank you for all of the laughs, memories, the long nights of passion and everything in between.

Because of you- I didn’t give up on the idea of love. Because of you, I fought to climb out of my comfort zone. Because of you, I faced my fears. Because of you, I kept hope when I was ready to give up.

And while I choose to be grateful for the good times, there is someone new in my life. They are grateful to you for being a catalyst and for letting me go.

Today, it’s all gratitude. Thank you.

20yrs, 10yrs. Since we fumbled each other. A total of TWICE before we ever made it to our first date. We have remained in the same orbit since. You even moved into the same town as me…. AGAIN. Was it for this moment in time? I am so excited for this weekend. I hope we never look back with a question mark again. I hope we never look back single.

Processing our Memories.

You’re not blocked. I miss you. Every single day. I look for songs sent from you- still we remain silent. I know you’ve moved on. So I’m not pushing for you to show up. I was with J, W, and Just today. Wishing I was ending tonight cuddled into us. Home doesn’t feel the same in hindsight. I don’t always find you in my dreams. I feel so far away. I’m not chasing you through these posts. You have my number and messenger if you’re single and want to talk. 💗

I’ve come to enjoy these subreddits so much. But I don’t ever want to restrict your emotion channeling. I don’t even know for sure your usernames, but you know we are tethered and i feel im restricting you. I’m gonna head back to my other writing platform. I want you to be comfortable and expressive. I’ll still write on here from time to time- but I have to stop looking for you in everything and everywhere. Infinite love. Deeply

The last three years….
I loved you in the most raw form possible. I was unhealed from a major traumatic experience in my life, and I gave you fair warning about my resulting ptsd. Your life was upside down also and we found companionship and excitement within each other. Within 2 months, you moved in with me.

After 3 years of volatility, passion, memory-making, personal destruction, running, and chasing- we lost sight of each other. I lost my ability to invest into senseless arguments staged to give you reason to seclude and communicate with others.

I stopped feeling important, loved, seen, valued, or even NOTICED. I began to absorb your angry projections and cruel insults, and my confidence plummeted.

So no. I didn’t fight for you to stay. I didn’t even push for reconsideration. Because since you arrived back here in March, you had a rescue mission being planned. You had one foot in and one foot out while expecting me to believe you were committed.

Think about how you would’ve felt if another woman was arranging housing, transportation, a new job for you and a way to get there hundreds of miles away. All while I didn’t know we were done.

I know you had to come here out of necessity from out west. But I wish you would’ve been real with me. How disrespectful that I was the last to know about you talking to girls from your job, and that you were in fact leaving.

It did not surprise me. But it made me feel so disrespected and unvalued that it altered me as a person. Somehow you still project anger and bitterness towards me and I’m letting it roll off of my back.

I loved you more than I loved myself. I forgave you so much that it became disrespectful to myself. I gave you all of me. While you only took from me. And you never sincerely apologized for ANYTHING you did or said to me, including telling me that you never loved me, you never chose me- I was convenient. You were never attracted to me, it was just sex. That you hated me…….

While your crew rescued you again from my big bad horrible grip- you dropped me. You refused to wish me a happy Mother’s Day (even though we coparented for 2 years) because you said I didn’t deserve that .

I understand you are healing, and so am I. I’m never going to chase another interaction with you. Too much has been said without accountability and apologies.

I hope you heal. I hope you NEVER make anyone feel like you have me. I hope you reflect one day and do the inner work. I still love you. You are the most beautiful person on earth in my eyes. But I deserve better. I demand more. And I hope you find someone worth it.

Gone are the days of allowing our trauma bond/codependency to force me into isolation and relentless begging for you to return. I no longer fear being alone. I enjoy it and I make new connections to prevent loneliness. I was always a very confident person before our relationship. And it’s amazing how openly people compliment me and they rearrange their schedules to spend time with me. I’m not saying this to make you jealous or angry. But next time you choose to see yourself as a victim following a breakup (because you always do and all of your exes are “narcissists “)- show proof. Provide receipts to others participating in the destruction of her life, her name, her stability. Be intentional and unbiased as you portray your next discard as a lying, cheating, abusive manipulator ….

You met your match with me. And I think that’s why you detest me and still feel the need to slander me. Although we shared similar abandonment wounds from childhood, I have protected myself my entire life from very close friends and family members who lacked compassion or empathy and lacked consideration for my safety and security. I learned to depend on no one as a child. I learned to mirror energy by 4th grade and physically defended myself by age 4. You won’t have fond recollections of our time together because I met you with your same energy in every altercation. I fought back physically when I had to. And I restricted my emotional response to your baiting. I also kept meticulous records in case my character doesn’t recover from this. I’ve saved them for a time when it’s required for me to show cause for the battles ahead to reclaim my life.

I hope you can grow, improve, and love someone. And I hope that someone never questions her value and worth. A healed version of yourself will always be my dream girl. You’re worthy of a better, more stable life. I hope you find it.

Why. After every single reason to never look back, do I continue to reminisce? Why do I still miss her? It’s getting so much easier but my soul still looks for that piece she took with her.

After our talk last night, and the reading i had- I realized…. Maybe all along it was you. We’ve never shared an intimate moment. We’ve been strictly platonic. But it’s weird that we seem to feel the same possibility. What if it was you all along? What if you are my twin flame? I’ve always been so protective of you and we’ve held a deep friendship bond unlike any other. You’ve never tried to belittle me or harm me. You’ve loved me unconditionally, fiercely, healthily. I’m shaken. I’m intrigued. I’m excited to discover everything about the possibilities. And no matter the outcome, you are always gonna be my very best friend on earth.

I manifested this moment.
A raw encounter with mother nature.
Thunder-interrupt my indecision.
Wind to force my progression.
Lightening to illuminate my darkness.
Rain to wash away my attachments.

The storm did not relent.
Steadfast, barefoot and drenched.
Grounded solid in intent.
The moon returned with stillness.

Release.
It is relief.
It is optimism.
I am free.

It is so.

If the world was ending, you’d come over, right?

T-
I feel us slipping into the memories of our past. It terrifies me because you were a huge part of my life. I fight myself when the urge to reach out hits me. I struggle to listen to sleep hypnosis videos to prevent myself from dreaming of you. I’ve never done this with you before. I never had boundaries in the fierce love and desire I embodied.

We won’t survive this and hope for a future friendship will die without brutal honesty, now. I want to understand everything. I want to hear you out. I do not want to be inundated with excuses or projections. Just authentic honesty. I will not judge. I will not intentionally hurt you. The story being created by the sparse information I have, will be too painful for me to accept or consider any further communication.

I’d rather hear it from you than having to accept that we were nothing. That I was a target, a job, a quest of destruction. I’m no longer asking for decency or respect. If it’s important to you, if I mean anything to you- you’ll give effort.

If not- just wanted you to know I’m relocating soon. Don’t have the desire to ever look back to this property or time of disappointment and pain here. I’m not certain where I’ll go. Maybe travel some and allow my child to choose where we land in life. Im ready to run away yet I’m desperately seeking clarity from you. Message me on here if you’d like to talk

T-
I feel us slipping into the memories of our past. It terrifies me because you were a huge part of my life. I fight myself when the urge to reach out hits me. I struggle to listen to sleep hypnosis videos to prevent myself from dreaming of you. I’ve never done this with you before. I never had boundaries in the fierce love and desire I embodied.

We won’t survive this and hope for a future friendship will die without brutal honesty, now. I want to understand everything. I want to hear you out. I do not want to be inundated with excuses or projections. Just authentic honesty. I will not judge. I will not intentionally hurt you. The story being created by the sparse information I have, will be too painful for me to accept or consider any further communication.

I’d rather hear it from you than having to accept that we were nothing. That I was a target, a job, a quest of destruction. I’m no longer asking for decency or respect. If it’s important to you, if I mean anything to you- you’ll give effort.

If not- just wanted you to know I’m relocating soon. Don’t have the desire to ever look back to this property or time of disappointment and pain here. I’m not certain where I’ll go. Maybe travel some and allow my child to choose where we land in life. Im ready to run away yet I’m desperately seeking clarity from you. Message me on here.