Getting SA dad may have messed up my brain
Hey everyone,
I’m pretty new to this forum and felt the need to get this off my chest. I spoke to my long-term boyfriend about my abuse before and he highly suggested I cut off my parents because of how they’ve treated me for years and years, especially as a teenager…
Disclaimer: I’m not saying my mother is the worst parent in the world and I’m not trying to defend her, but I feel like she was also an enabler a few times. She was also molested when she was a child and it has haunted her for years. She also ended up getting SA as a teen and adult as well from older men, which I feel like the same thing has happened to me almost like a curse..
I don’t want to get too much into it but basically I feel like I remind my dad too much of my mom. We have the same features and body type, but because my mother has aged, he had slowly became less attracted to her. I remember him always yelling insults about her aging face or how she got chubby, which really angered me because I although she was beautiful, but he would also punch and throw stuff at her. I could recall as a teenager him coming into my room to watch me sleep and I’m like 100% he has touched me. I ended up having sleepless nights and night terrors because he would stop by my bedroom so often. One time, he was so intoxicated he ejaculated on the toilet seat in my bathroom across from my bedroom. He use to do weird things like grab certain areas of my body (chest or butt) and was trying to make jokes about it.
None of that was a fuckin joke and none of that was okay…I’m now (28F) still going through therapy for what has happened to me but this shit terrifies me. I remember my mom recording me running on the treadmill once just to “show my dad”’and I immediately stopped running. I had told her to go away and we got into a heated argument, and so I left the house to sleep at one of my female friend’s apartment. She was telling me I needed to report everything to the cops but I was too chicken shit at the time. I always had this overwhelming fear that the worst of the worst could happen because my father genuinely terrified me. I also remembered going to the doctor’s office when I was 19 and the man has kept touching my thighs and breasts and of course she did absolutely nothing. All she said was “I can’t afford any other doctor with this insurance, just deal with it.” I’ve recently brought this event up to her and she would get angry and say “That never happened, stop making up stories for attention.” Yes it fuckin did….
Fast forward and I end up joining the army to get away from my home life. I ended up hooking up/dating older dudes or single dads and they carried alot of that anger or alcoholism with them. I had to leave those relationships as well but I stayed with these type of men way too long. It has genuinely messed up my brain because I thought it was normal to be mistreated by an older dudes. I was just completely damaged neurologically thanks to the abuse.
The good news is I’m dating a guy around my age (28M) and I feel like this is the most healthiest relationship I’ve been in, however there is still a bit of that trauma left behind. I want to heal completely but I know there isn’t a full 100% cure to this shit. I wish I can just have a lobotomy to forget but I still get nightmares. I’ll continue with the therapy and all but I’m hoping I can overcome these memories and feel comfortable again.