u/xenechun

I cannot stop obsessing over the fact that I will die one day. Every single second I spend is one I will never get back. And that no matter what I do, it’ll all be rendered meaningless the second I die, because nobody cares what some rando at the cemetery did. You don’t even get a lot of time. Idk why they started the timer or what the purpose of my run is supposed to be?! It would’ve been much easier if I never existed in the first place to be aware of this scary fate. “It’s natural and part of life” well, I don’t fking want it? Having no limbs is natural for some as well. It also makes me confused why people are SO anti-suicide because genuinely what does it matter when it happens? Nobody’s gonna care in 100 years.

I think about the lyric: “I’m not scared of dying, I just don’t want to.” All the time.

Last night I dreamed that Bear followed the tail of a rogue bus that’s speeding. The police kept trying to tell him to stop, because he’s not helping and he’s actively sabotaging the police efforts. Bear, with tears in his eyes, felt free having let go of his cowardice for once. For that reason, he didn’t hear sirens or even Nikki calling the car screen thing. He just went pedal to the metal, and with focus and determination followed the bus. I woke up before the conclusion.

Edit (added more than just the title):

It’s such an annoying sentence ESPECIALLY when they deliberately use it to mean the unattractive person which is so much worse than just being rude. Like: “how did he pull her?” And the girl is obviously not attractive.

Cw: vomiting and diarrhoea and just generally gross.

It’s day one of my period, and it’s normal for me to get diarrhoea but not like this and not every other symptom that subsequently followed. Idk why, but I decided to leave to get Monster and figured nothing would happen besides a lot of cramps, but then I got the urge to have signs of diarrhoea as soon as I accidentally started my period in public and I thought to myself: “OH, it’s one of THOSE days” and found a toilet. Nothing but a fart came out, so I ignored it. I had begun sweating but assumed it’s because the toilet was extremely hot (it was, and I was in a pizza place with hot pizzas). So I just put on my tampon, begrudged my undies, and kept it pushing. Also, for context, I never managed to get my Monster.

But I quickly got instantly worse. I was beginning to really sweat, I stopped being able to breathe, and I just semi-collapsed onto a residential sidewalk. I just sat there biting through the pain and considering asking someone for ibuprofen but decided against it. It was weird, because my lack of airflow wasn’t exactly caused by the pain, but was more like an additional symptom.

I was close to home so at some point I mustered some level of strength. I decided to do a shortcut through this building and it’s like a building with lots of activities, like art and entrepreneurship and courses etc. and just as I was about to walk out, I saw the toilet stalls and decided to get this thing over with. I thought I was just going to have diarrhoea, but wow this is so hard to describe,

my ability to breathe got smaller and smaller and it’s like I got worse the more I got out of me.

I had once had something like this happen to me in a public park and I called emergency lines and got ignored so I wasn’t thinking about calling 911 yet, until I tried to pass time with my phone and noticed that my hands were literally paralysed.

I was trying to type my symptoms on my phone but noticed that I quite literally couldn’t move my thumbs. And barely my arms. I was beginning to get DRENCHED in more sweat than ever before, my hair was literally dripping in sweat, so were my legs etc. so I just full on collapsed to the floor, naked from the waist down, for any type of relief despite knowing I might shit everywhere.

I called the 911 operator and it was honestly a struggle to do even that. I couldn’t type a single sentence and had to get SIRI to do it for me.

Anyways, I was on the floor with severe slurred speech, I kept yelling “I feel like I’m dying” etc. and the guy seemed concerned so he put the health emergency line on, and I realised my whole body was paralysed. I know my legs get similarly weaker on my period and I semi halt around until I get to my ibuprofen, but NOT like this. I literally couldn’t breathe, that’s not my normal symptoms. I had also gotten tinnitus, my head was everywhere besides this bathroom.

Anyways, I was yelling over the phone using up every breath I was awarded, but then she heard the trigger-word “menstruation” which basically meant I was fine. So that was futile.

I was freaking out, panicked feeling like I was really gonna die, and that I had experienced prolonged 10/10 pain and everywhere hurt, and I decided to try to get back to the toilet so I don’t shit on the floor. I managed to do that, and when I did, I just vomited everywhere, on myself, on my shoes, on the floor, on the toilet itself. I did my best to aim closer to myself so less would get on the floor but it didn’t really work.

It’s weird because I wasn’t nauseous at all, I just couldn’t breathe and there was a knot in my heart. It kinda presented itself like an unfriendly burp. My stomach also didn’t hurt, everything drowned my cramps out basically. I actually couldn’t feel my body beyond my butt. I could feel the pain and effects of not breathing, but my arms and legs felt like they didn’t exist.

It was diarrhoea and chest pain with some headache. My hands began to move a bit more and I began feeling better. I could also tell my diarrhoea was about to stop as well. I cleaned myself up the best I could, and put on my pants and just sat in the corner trying to recover enough strength to clean the area.

A part of me didn’t want to do it, because I didn’t want people to use this toilet. But I did wind up doing it. Dried off everything with a dry napkin, which I shouldn’t have done. And I should’ve told someone but I was so embarrassed and in pain I just left the crime scene.

And actually walking the 500 feet to my house was torture. I kept losing the ability to breathe and my ribcage was killing me. I collapsed onto a bench and sat there for a while and just grit my teeth through the stairs.

I’m now doing good after having slept for a while. But I’m mortified.

I’m so terrified of someone having sat on the toilet oh my god I am going to cry, I don’t know what to do, I am so disgusting I really should’ve told someone. The establishment is closed now. I was not in my right mind, I could barely think and now that I feel better, I want to cry from how mortified I am and how guilty I feel.

I’m terrified that someone has sat on the toilet. It was a really busy event when I went there. I hope everyone noticed the smell and left, I really would be inconsolable if I learned anyone used it without knowing. Idek why this happened.

I think maybe it’s my plate, because it was moldy and dirty since January, so maybe I didn’t clean it well enough before using it?? And I got mold poisoning? But I cleaned it really well. Maybe the granola was old? I don’t think it was the milk. I don’t feel like thinking. I’ve been playing the same pain relief subliminal for literal hours now. I feel like I just temporarily entered a new dimension and saw Jesus.

My memory is super bad and I don’t remember if she’s always in the store or if she comes and goes or if she’ll leave for a considerable amount of time. I’m trying to save up for another pony but I’m so tempted to indulge. 🫢