u/yikkoe

I’ve been in therapy for 15 years on and off mostly on, and nothing really helps ME. It helps how I’m seen in society and frankly I don’t care. IFS therapy sounded perfect for what I am trying to achieve.

I shared this in a fb group and someone said they don’t think it’s a good idea. They suggested either in patient care or not doing it at all because I have a child who “shouldn’t have to see me like that” while I process the sessions. But I have no support or help.

Should I really not try at all?

In remission with bpd blah blah blah but I cannot, CANNOT move on emotionally from my mommy issues. Yes all the coping mechanisms are there great great but they don’t function long term. Sure I am not gonna kill myself again but I am still emotionally plagued by the same shit every fucking day every fucking morning every fucking night. I wish I had a loving mother I wish I had a loving mother. I wish I was hugged as a child. I wish my mother cared about me. I wish she didn’t abuse me. I wish I was a child born from love. I wish my parents liked me. I wish I was adopted by loving parents. I wish I didn’t fucking cling to every single teacher I’ve ever had to the point of behaving like a weirdo like I can’t believe I never got in trouble for this shit. I wish my brain didn’t construct elaborate ass daydreams I have zero control over where I am adopted by whoever my celebrity/famous person of the month is (shoutout r/maladaptivedreaming). I wish it wasn’t 9 in the fucking morning and I am already at work crying. I AM THIRTY YEARS OLD!!!!! WTF!!! I feel genuine rage about this. I WAS ENTITLED TO LOVE AND SAFETY AS A BABY. And I’ll just never fucking get it. Ever. Ever ever. Because giving me abusive parents wasn’t enough. No. Every single one of my relationships must fail because no one loves me but I have absolutely no backbone so people who want to use me, do it. No shame because I have no backbone! Lonely people flock to me then drop me like a piece of shit when they don’t need me! That’s my value as a human being! I’m to be used!

ALL OF THIS because I didn’t experience maternal love. I don’t even cry about the lack of paternal love. I don’t cry about the lack of friends (as often). I don’t cry about the lack of romantic relationships. Nah. Because my emotionally stunted fucking brain is stuck at age 2. I am a 2 year old in the body of a 30 year old. I want a mommy. I am crying at my big girl job because I’m actually not a big girl and I want a mommy. I will never be a child with a mommy. I am 30 fucking years old. Pathetic.

Anyways I’m looking into IFS therapy next wish me luck :)))))

I’m lonely. I have no friends, am not close with family and of course not in a relationship. And of course not seeking romantic relationships. I’m a yapper complainer so you will see me in relevant subreddits going boohoo woe is me about it.

What’s frustrating though is that those spaces are full of people for whom the definition is loneliness is being single. And many of those people have been single for less than a year. I’m sitting here having to simulate conversations with myself, recording myself talking to listen back as if I had someone talking to me. Talking to myself out loud. Writing notes in my phones as I’m texting myself. You know, real loser shit. Meanwhile, 99% of people in subreddits for lonely people have friends, loving parents, close siblings …. but oh nooo they’re single. Oh nooo their last relationship which ended like in January, will never be replicated and therefore they’re doomed for life. Meanwhile their phone is ringing every few minutes because their friends want to hang out, weekend plans with mom, siblings group chat.

I’m at a point where my empathy is just slowly chipping away because it fucking hurts. I don’t show it to the few people I’ve tried talking to (I made a post a few days ago and got chat requests I am slowly going through) but it’s the same story every time. Someone I met on here that I tried to befriend was also so lonely. But has best friends they see every few days. Has a group chat for the girls in her family and they talk daily. Last relationship was recent and guess what. She’s already in a new one. Lonely? For the couple months you were single you’re throwing around the word lonely?

It hurts of course because I’m lonely but it also hurts because it’s proof that people do not value any other relationships but romantic ones. They don’t value the love and time they have with family and friends. I know it’s not like a choice somewhat because I mean romantic and sexual attraction is natural and wanting it is normal etc but gosh. Lonely? You have a dozen people who love you and cherish you and that you see daily but you’re lonely? I also understand the whole, being in a room full of people and feeling lonely but I don’t think that’s that for many of them. They have fulfilling relationships. They just wish they also had romance, and without romance apparently nothing matters. They’re “lonely”.

I’m sorry. I’m just really fucking hurt. I have never, and seems like I will never have a fulfilling friendship/relationship with a peer because it’s not gonna be romantic or sexual (I’m saying “with a peer” because I know some people like to suggest pets or think having children is the same, it’s not).

Most of my paras are made up, but they are related somehow to real life people. People I find inspiring, comforting, attractive for reasons I can’t point out (not the usual “I find them hot” way), anybody that just triggers my daydreams. Most of the time though, my paras are someone’s child. Because of my childhood trauma I guess.

It gets to a point though that real life occurrences of these people bring great distress in me and I don’t really know what to do about it. Completely cleansing this people’s existence from my life seems a bit much (and in some cases it would be really really hard). And it’s not just the person. It’s music associated with them, it’s colours, its occupations and hobbies. It’s topics of conversations.

Can anyone relate? How do you deal with that?

The way I’ve phrased this sentence isn’t quite what I’m trying to convey so I beg, no toxic positivity please I am begging.

I’ve literally always been depressed and suicidal since I was a toddler. On top of depression, I have BPD which means overwhelming emotions and impulsivity. Like most people with BPD, it was triggered by childhood trauma which was physical abuse yes but I think I am still pained by the emotional abuse and neglect. My parents did not love me, or at least they made sure to never show it. We never interacted positively and they only took their role as providers seriously. Can it be paid or bought? Great, they’ll do that well, no problem. Anything that requires interacting with their only child? Ew never.

Anyways I’ve been moaning about this my whole life also, I am 30. It pains me. I can’t describe how much it pains me to have never been loved by my own parents. I think it’s aggravated by the fact that I have never been loved by just about anyone. I never really had friends and still don’t, I don’t know my extended family or we’re not in contact, and I’ve only ever had two serious relationships and I was not loved but used in both. I don’t really care about the latter. I care about missing out on family and friends love. It haunts me. I’ve tried for so many years to make friends but it never works out. Surface level people are kind to me but once they get to know me, they dip. I’ve been told I’m just too intense with my emotions (good and bad), and I also know I’m boring. After years of trying, I decided to not longer tone down my emotions and I want to accept the consequences of that. But it’s hard.

Today, someone triggered the shit out of me and I think it’s a good thing. They said something like, healing isn’t to undo what your inner child went through. Healing is building your identity despite whatever your inner child was missing (paraphrasing). And my brain gained a new fold, my throat started hurting, and mid work day I started crying. Because I get it now, I do.

But then, how do you build yourself without external love? Inner love is great but how can I accept that it’s all I’ll EVER have? How can I justify my own existence if no one wants it, including my own self? I don’t want life. Not “my” life, but existence itself. I don’t care for it. I don’t care to exist to work and then die anyway. I wish I could just fast forward to the final day if anyway I’ll have no time, energy and money to life a fulfilling existence. But I can’t kill myself anymore.

How? Just how do I build myself from nothing? From a loveless point? What am I compared to a piece of trash if what I think is one of the fundamental

elements of humanhood is love and community, and I don’t get to have that?

Anyways. This is long. Thank you to anyone who read it all.

I’ve been on here negatively talking about remission and how it’s not what people try to make it seem, nothing changes at all except that you’re more functional in a capitalistic/modern society way. And to me, that is absolutely invaluable because I truly don’t give a fuck that I don’t impulsively leave jobs anymore.

But the reason why I didn’t see remission as that positive of a thing is because, now I’m realizing, my BPD has not changed much. There was never a “before” for me. I didn’t lose friends or relationships because of BPD. I’m not a violent person, I never harmed anyone besides myself. “Before” BPD, was lifelong depression, existential anguish, perpetual wish to not be alive, crushing solitude, all of which have been following me since toddlerhood. It’s my default setting. I’ve never not been like that. So there’s nothing that’s specific to when I started developing BPD traits, that made me lose things, opportunities, people or lose myself. I just gained impulsivity.

Then after remission, I’m still dealing with that same anguish, same wish to not be alive, same solitude. The only thing that’s changed is I no longer impulsively walk to the nearest pharmacy and guzzle down a few dozen painkillers. Sure, that’s a change. But to whose benefit exactly? It’s not like I want to be alive. I’ve just failed too often (and lost that impulsivity to do it) to try again. I’m in pain, I’m scarred from previous attempts. Nothing about staying alive was truly worth it. I should have died a long time ago.

Anyways. So yeah remission is great if you’ve lost things or people, or that deep inside you want to be alive. Doesn’t really do shit otherwise.