u/zlordofsigimigi

This is a repost, because I realized my previous meal could be recognized, and I don't want to be recognized, lol

Pictured: some kind of pork belly + rice bowl from a couple of weeks ago. I forget exactly what it was.

Feel weird posting one of these. I frequently read stuff in these subs. This will be all over the place, because I don't know what I want out of this. Just gonna get to it.

I'm 33. I've been depressed since I was 11. I was in Lebanon back then, I was bullied, I was unguided, I was angry, and things just weren't easy. I came to the States near the end of high school.

I'm going to try to avoid going through my life story, and just say that things were never easy at any point, but I really did try my best. I stayed focused through college. I payed all my loans, and broke out of poverty. I dated once in high school, and then I dated a second time from the ages of 20 through 30- never moved in together, and never married, because I frankly had my reservations about her and wanted her to finish school first. She took many more years than I did. I bought an okay used vehicle at some point, and didn't take out a loan for it. I contribute to a 401k, have built a safety net, have tried to save for a house, but the market has always felt bad. Great.

Socially, I've buried my father, along with many friends and family over the years. I've averaged 3-5 funerals a year since 2015 tbh. I've put in a lot of work to build a network of friends I can reach out to. I've traveled a bit, both domestically and internationally, either with friends, or to see friends. I've tried journaling, and I continue to journal on-and-off. I got super into Overwatch for a while, hit Masters, then stopped because it was causing problems in my friend gaming group (long story). I've tried many different hobbies along the way- drawing, bouldering, board game nights at a semi-local brewery. I presently read, listen to audiobooks, still game a little, and work on developing video games/3D modeling in my spare time.

After the breakup at 30, I tried therapy. I still see my therapist. Her feedback is, and has always been, "you seem to understand that the relationship failing wasn't your fault, and you don't seem tied down by it. I don't understand why you won't date. The right partner makes everything so much easier, and you could use some support in your life". I honestly avoid even talking about my ex, or talking about dating, to my therapist. Therapy has been unhelpful for all the reasons I thought it'd be. I *know* what a therapist will say. I just can't do it. I don't know if feeling better is fulfillment. I don't know if feeling better is what I want.

I wouldn't have difficulty dating, if I'd just try the apps. I'm 6"1, I'm fit, and tbh, I'm easy to look at. I'm hygienic, I do well for myself, I'm socially adept, I'm caring, generous, and kind. I'm self-aware, and I constantly work on my issues. I just... can't. For a million reasons, I can't wrap my head around it. I don't trust that I'll be fair to myself. I dated a girl who made me feel alone for 10 years because she kept begging me to stay whenever I tried to end things. It didn't end until she decided she'd had enough, and the ball was in her court. To be honest, I've had a couple of women openly try to pursue something with me, and I've had to put the prospects down. I had reasons. "She cares too much about things I don't think are important", "cultural, religious, & dietary incompatabilities", or just plain old not my type. But what if the issues I saw weren't there? I don't know that I'd let somebody new in. I can't stomach the prospect of building something new from scratch. I can't imagine letting anyone new in on my weaknesses, my insecurities, my dreams. I don't even know if partnership is what I want in life.

So, I coast. I'm out of bed by 3:30AM. I'm in the gym by 4. Showered by 6, at work by 7:30 at the latest, home anytime between 4 and 7. I cook, I eat, I go to bed. 5 days a week. I dread the weekends because they're disorganized and give me time to think about how empty my life is. I'm a cancer therapeutics research scientist. My work is meaningful to me, but it's not fulfilling to me. I can put beautiful words to it. It's not my purpose. Work will just never be my purpose.

TL;DR: nothing is fulfilling, I've tried a lot, I'm tired boss. I need to change something. Idk what.

I've been guesstimating this at 650-800 (note the small pile of black beans, the scoop of avocado. The shredded stuff is jicama, onions, carrots. The powder is some kinda cheese). Wouldn't mind a second opinion.