r/PolyFidelity

Happy Throuple Thursday! 🎉

Yeah I know it’s not a thing… but it totally should be!

I just wrote a new article for all those long-term lovebirds out there. If you’re like me and have spent years, perhaps decades, in a relationship and the only thing getting hot & heavy is the pile of unfolded laundry… then this one’s for you!  

How to microdose NRE when you’ve got that Old Relationship Energy

https://velourialamour.substack.com/p/how-to-rekindle-nre-when-you-got-old-relationship-energy

It’s got a galaxy of realistic, low-effort, high-reward ways to keep the spark alive. None of this “just book a surprise trip to Tulum” nonsense, and no buying jewelry that requires its own insurance policy. Instead, just dabble in the ✨ microdose surprises! ✨

Some of the pinky-dips include:

* Post-it notes on the mirror that are sweet, sexy, or certifiably wackadoodle
* 6-second kisses that actually trigger oxytocin
* “Stranger in my house” conversations
* Living room dance parties with or without clothing
* Taking something off your partner’s plate without keeping score
* The “no phones, just us” time
* And even starting a shared project (just… maybe don’t adopt a horse… speaking from personal experience here that my partners do NOT think is funny)

I wrote this for people who are already doing the hard work of throuple life and just need some fresh kindling in their relationship without adding burnout.

Do you have any easy + high-ROI ways to fuel your relationship? Let everyone here know! The more magically mundane, the better 🤩

I’m an 18 year old male about to go off to college. I have only had 1 sexual partner in a hookup. I have gotten conflicting advice on how many sexual partners you should have before marriage. Some say you should have sex with as many people as you can before marriage because if you don’t you will crave experiences later when you’re married and have kids and can’t explore that. Others have said you should only have sex with someone you are trying to marry and build a future with.

So men if you have been promiscuous before marriage do you regret it? Men who weren’t promiscuous do you wish you were before you got married? Ladies what is ideally your preference for previous sexual partners in your partners. Also I ideally don’t want my future wife to have a higher body count than me(I know that makes me immature but that’s how I feel). What should I do?

Hey, it's me.

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It's been a long time since I've been in a triad, but it's something I want again. I haven't dated in almost 15 years, and I'm not sure how to pursue this. Any advice?

Hey y’all!

I am in a quad relationship with my wife, boyfriend, and girlfriend. I wasn’t well versed in polyamory before I got into this relationship a few months ago but I’m slowly learning as I go.

We started out as two couples that merged into the quad we have now. We have good communication and jealousy is discussed and worked through.

I was just wondering if you guys had any advice for new people in polyamorous relationships?

I'm realizing people order their designated acronyms a little differently, while mine is kinda slapped together and I never put much thought into it. Does yours designate a hierarchy? Sexual interest? The timing in which the relationship came together? Or, something else.

Just wondering why they show up in different orders.

Do you guys live together? Do you all contribute to bills etc? Do you all sleep in the same bed? Is it just you 3 or is it an open relationship? Is jealousy a massive factor?

I (32f) and my husband (36m) have been in a few closed triad relationships over the years, and we are finding the same trend; either we arent explaining the expectations correctly, or the ladies we are dating are not being truthful about their expectations/understanding of our expectations.

When we begin chatting with someone, we make known what we are looking to achieve with the person; a relationship where she dates me, he dates her, and then our relationship.

So far we've had one individual attempt to break up our marriage and "steal him" which obviously didnt work. One girl clearly thought it was just fun hookups, another came for the first meet up/sleep over, everything seemed great until i had to leave for a family obligation, and spent hours trying to get Into verbal alterations with my husband. And many many others who are in other open enm relationships who want to unicorn for us or want to couple swap with us.

Do we need to be more blunt and up front about our expectations?

Are we not looking inthe right places?

Advice on a poly family from your groups point of view?

Looking for advice from those who have actually transitioned into poly with an established family

My wife and I have been married for many years and have several children ranging in age from 4 to 17. We have a wonderful marriage, great kids, and are blessed in just about every area of life, including financially. This isn’t coming from dissatisfaction with what we have. We genuinely love our life together.

The idea of poly has been on my mind for almost 20 years.

No matter how many years have passed, it has never completely left my mind. In fact, over the past few years it has weighed on me more heavily than ever.

What I’m struggling with most is that I’m genuinely happy and content with my life as it is. I love my wife. I love our children. I don’t feel like anything is missing. Yet at the same time, I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve been suppressing something that’s deeply rooted in who I am.

The more I’ve studied, the more I feel drawn towards poly. Sometimes it feels like, in order to keep living the easier and more socially accepted life I already have, I’m denying something that has been on my heart for decades. Whether that’s truly a calling or simply something I need to continue wrestling with is part of why I’m here asking for advice.

What continues to draw me is the desire to build a larger family, raise more children, and provide for and care for another spouse. This isn’t about replacing my wife or fixing a broken marriage. Our marriage is strong. If anything, this is something we are trying to discern together because we don’t want to ignore something we believe we may need to explore.

My wife and I have been having open and honest conversations about it. Recently, I’ve gotten to know a woman a little who was raised in a poly family.

We’re not in a relationship with her, nor are we rushing into anything. If we ever moved forward, it would only be with everyone’s full knowledge, consent, and a great deal of discussion.

One of the biggest questions we’re wrestling with is the age difference. She is a legal adult, but she’s roughly half my age. While she grew up in a plural family and understands the lifestyle far better than we do, my wife and I also remember what we were like at 20. Looking back, we thought we had life figured out, but we’ve both grown and matured tremendously over the last 15–20 years. Age is also a major benefit, we could raise another group of kids with her.

So how do you know when someone that age is truly ready for a lifelong commitment like this?

What conversations did you have?

What signs of emotional maturity gave you confidence?

Were there any red flags that, in hindsight, you wish you had paid more attention to?

I’m also curious about the practical side of things.

How did you know it was the right time to move forward?

How did you introduce a potential person to your children, especially when you had children ranging from young kids to teenagers?

At what point did you involve her family?

How did you explain everything to your broader community?

What challenges caught you off guard?

How do I bring it up to my wife’s parents? They live close and are a big part of our lives and I think it would devastate them…

Looking back, what would you tell someone in our position before taking the next step?

We’re active in our community, and we know a decision like this would affect far more than just the adults involved. it would likely push us out of our family or at least any degree of “good standing”.

Our highest priorities are protecting our marriage, loving our children well, and making sure that if we ever move forward, it is done with wisdom, integrity, and genuine care for everyone involved.

I’d especially appreciate hearing from those who have actually lived this lifestyle—not just opinions for or against it, but real experiences, lessons learned, mistakes you made, and things that helped your family succeed. We have far more questions than answers at this point, and we’re genuinely seeking wisdom.

\\\*\\\*\\\*please share any thoughts…. I’m looking to glean ideas from you and direction\\\*\\\*\\\*

Happy Polyfiday! Yeah I know it’s not a thing… but maybe it should be 🤩

Anyway! I just published an article that talks about the differences between polyamory, polyfidelity, and polygamy. 

The TL;DR:
Polyamory = big potluck where everyone brings a dish (with consent, ofc)
Polyfidelity = cozy private dinner party
Polygamy = family banquet, usually tied to culture, religion, and/or legal marriage stuff

I dabble in the sweet bits, the shitshow potential, and why labels are just fancy wrappers on much more complicated candy… but the wrapper doesn’t dictate how the candy actually tastes.

Full post up on Substack if you want the whole thing:

https://velourialamour.substack.com/p/labels-lies-and-love-an-easy-guide-to-polyamory-polyfidelity-polygamy

I’m aiming for 1 new article a week because the DMs I’ve been getting are STAGGERING but honestly super motivating and flattering 😍 Not to mention, y’all are giving me endless content ideas!! Case in point: someone DM’d me who was sorta spiraling over whether they were polyfi, polyam, polygamous, or something else entirely. They were sooo stuck on the “label” that they were missing the beauty of the actual lived experience. That DM became the spark for this piece, so thank YOU for that!

And thank you all for all the messages, encouragements, the love, and even the occasional lil hate, lol! All of it helps and keeps me writing -- and keeps the algorithms well fed too 😋

Have a great weekend! ❤️💙🩷

First post here, never thought I'd be here. How is the right place, please let me know if it isn't.

For some background, currently in a monogamous relationship for a while and have been living together for over a year now. Things started ok as far as intimacy goes, but after a while we started having less and less. This was because of the pain my partner was in that's been steadily getting worse. It was originally diagnosed as fibromyalgia, but now we're not sure and working with specialists to find out more.

The pain has gotten to a point that we haven't been very intimate in the last 9 months. I've been as supportive as I can as I absolutely know she can't control it and hates it too that we can't have sex. Despite that, it has been wearing on me more as time goes on.

During a long drive home from a doctor's appointment, we got on the subject of sex and the lack of it. It wasn't an argument or anything, just a discussion. She brought up bringing in another woman to the relationship. Not a random one, one we both like. It wouldn't be a fully open relationship and not a throuple either.

It would also be circumstantial. This depends on if something can be done that would allow us to be intimate again. She said that if the worst comes to pass, and she can't, she wants me to still be able to be fulfilled, but to be involved in a way that doesn't make it a secret or infidelity. She also wants it to be someone we both like, as in friendly terms.

I never considered the possibility as I've not done this before. I don't even know where we'd start trying to find someone who'd be interested in this kind of "relationship". I'm not even sure if I'm fully on board for this kind of situation yet. Does anyone have any advice?

Are there any stories of polygamy involving more than four wives? Or instances where a wife is the one who seeks out another wife?