r/SalsaSnobs

Apparently this is considered a shitpost. Well, consider this my horse in the race. May the best shitpost win.

I want to clarify that this entire post was completely hand written. Check it for AI if you don't believe me.

Now, before you grab your torches and pitchforks to hunt me down for salsa blaspheming, let me make my case.

I believe it is time to abolish the idea that salsa, or "pico de gallo," should be eaten as a dip and instead should be sipped as a companion drink SPECIFICALLY from a coffee mug with chips. I support this opinion with the following facts:

1. Dipping chips in salsa leaves a non-zero chance of spilling the salsa that is balanced on said chip on your table, floor, clothing, beard, chair/couch, basically anywhere but your mouth. This not only stains what the salsa touches because of the pigment in tomatoes, but leaves less salsa on the chip AND you have to clean it up.

Sipping from a cup with a handle gives the consumer more control of the salsa and reduces the chance of spillage. This is true unless dropped or tipped over, but you can also drop the chip with salsa on it or tip over your bowl of salsa in the same manner, so the risk is relatively equal in that regard. However, if you hold the mug with all 4 fingers and don't set it down, you negate this risk to almost 0%.

2. It is almost impossible to control how much salsa stays on your chip. This depends entirely on what shape and size of chip you buy, how thin or chunky your salsa is, and the dimensions of the dish you are eating the salsa from.

Using a mug not only controls how much salsa you consume per chip, but solves the inconvenience of using a wider bowl for bigger chips, and allows the user to consume ANY size or shape of chip they want without consideration of the dimensions of the salsa vessel.

3. When you eat salsa off of a chip, especially thinner salsa, you do not aerate the salsa and thus miss out on complex flavor notes of the individual ingredients of the salsa.

However, when you sip from a mug, you can CHOOSE to slurp and aerate it as you consume it, giving you the chance to enjoy the flavor notes of the salsa and appreciate the craftsmanship of the salsa maker more thoroughly.

4. Whether you use a bowl or a mug, you still only have to clean ONE dish after finishing your salsa and chips. No loss or gain of effort here.

5. When you have a bowl of salsa, you have to bend forward or find the salsa bowl/keep track of your plate (at a party or barbeque for example) in order to dip the chip. With a mug in your hand, you can sit back and relax as you enjoy your chips and salsa.

6. When you are sharing communal salsa, you have NO IDEA if anyone has double/triple/quadruple(or even worse, more) dipped or accidentally dipped their dirty phone/mouth/doorknob/toilet/butt/nose/ear/foot/sweat/face/hair/beard touching fingers into the salsa unless you have surveilled it the entire time.

With your own mug, you KNOW that no one but you has (or wants to) put their DNA anywhere near your salsa because your DNA is all over it.

7. When you are presented with salsa that you did not prepare, there is a non-zero chance that it is poisoned. This increases if you are a person of influence or have made political/religious/territorial/gang affiliated enemies.

Preparing your own personal mug of salsa that was sealed and opened by you that you carry with you at all times negates this risk to next to zero.

8. If you love the salsa so much that you want to drink it without the chips, not only is this cumbersome to do with a bowl, especially without spilling it, but ANYONE that sees you doing this would most likely think you are a slob for this, even if nobody is sharing the salsa with you.

With a mug, you can drink as much salsa as you want while leaving judgement to a minimum.

9. Bowls are usually monotone or patterned and have a limited expression or character unless they are handmade.

Mugs are completely customizable and leave the user to express themselves more freely with unlimited sayings, bold color choices, picture printings, and a plethora of shapes and sizes.

10. When salsa is placed in a wide bowl, it warms up quicker because more surface area is exposed to air. Not only that, but most bowls are not designed to insulate the temperature of the food they hold. Who the heck likes room temperature salsa???

A coffee mug is generally designed with thick enamel, porcelain, glass, or insulated metal, sometimes even with a lid, and thus keeps your salsa cooler for longer.

11. Fending off pests like fruit flies or nats from a bowl of salsa is almost impossible.

Fending off pests from your personal mug of salsa is quite easy.

12. If you are enjoying your chips and salsa one day/night and suddenly find yourself in a situation where you need to defend yourself against an attacker/intruder, using a bowl of salsa as a weapon is generally ineffective because you aren't already holding it, it is not designed to grip or throw, and the best you can do is try to blind your attacker with salsa

A mug does not only allow you to blind your attacker with salsa with more accuracy and force, but it is a natural extension of your body because of the handle, allowing you follow up your blinding by weilding it like a brass knuckle and hammer combined, AND is incredibly easy to throw with speed and accuracy.

13. Eating chips and salsa as a dip in your car is not only almost impossible, but incredibly dangerous because it distracts you from the road while trying not only to locate the salsa, but dip the chip adequately, and then reach your mouth without spilling any.

Sipping salsa from a handless mug, putting your mug in the cup holder, and eating a chip while driving can be done without looking at the mug, salsa, or chip bag, thus negating the risk of injury or financial loss from a collision while enjoying your chips and salsa.

14. Eating chips and salsa outside of the confines of a restaurant that serves them, a party that has a communal salsa, or the privacy of your own home is almost impossible and definitely weird to other people around you with a bowl.

A mug, preferably insulated with a watertight lid, allows you to bring your salsa and chips ANYWHERE without anyone knowing, unless you spill it or accidentally breathe while swallowing and cough uncontrollably, of course.

However, this is not the end all be all. Here are the CONS to using mugs as vessels for salsa:

1. The mug method is not long-mustache friendly, but neither is any messy food or drink without a straw.

2. It's hard to preserve salsa that you do not finish because you have contaminated it with bacteria on your face, mustache (if you have one), and in your mouth. Portion your salsa wisely when using a mug.

3. Using a mug requires the full use of one hand for salsa and the other hand for chips while consuming in most instances, instead of one hand for both chip and salsa. I believe the benefits of a mug outweigh the sacrifice of the function of one hand while consuming.

4. If you choose this lifestyle, you might have to throw away that goofy salsa tray your mom likes that she bought at goodwill that one time because it was "festive."

5. The mug method does not work with guacamole unless you thin it out, which I'm pretty sure is punishable by death in at least 3 countries. Don't mess with people's guacamole. It's sacred and shall not be altered to fit your new salsa mug lifestyle.

6. If you like making homemade salsa that's so thick it could be used in place of mortar to build a brick wall, this method won't work. Be reasonable when you make salsa. Or don't. I can't stop you from filling your life with remorse.